


the ocean between people

by potentiallythiswillbegay



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Everybody Lives, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Peter x Jason Week, canon-typical language but no f slur, canon-typical underage drinking and drug use, dare i say: friendship groups as found family, everyone is entitled their matt opinions ofc but matt is an antagonistic role in this, it's a simon vs au, it's bare but the events are both bare and simon vs, rated t purely for language and references to sex/drugs, so can i just happily say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiallythiswillbegay/pseuds/potentiallythiswillbegay
Summary: Peter Simmonds is in senior year at St. Cecilia’s, and he knows who he is: A closeted gay kid trying to keep his friends happy, who’s also playing Mercutio in the school play.He knows who Pan is: A somewhat confident and dorky boy who emails the oh-so-charming Blue, who he's fallen for.Peter and Pan are separate for a few reasons:1) To not get disowned by his mother2) To keep all of his friends3) To stay safe at school4) To keep Blue talking to himBut when one of his emails falls into the wrong hands, everything grows just a little more complicated.What’s high school even for, without happiness, heartbreak and holding the hand of the boy you love?(A Simon vs/Love, Simon AU for bare: a pop opera)
Relationships: Ivy Robinson & Peter Simmonds, Jason McConnell/Peter Simmonds, Lucas Carter/Tanya Garrett, Nadia McConnell & Peter Simmonds, The Whole Wonderland Squad
Comments: 18
Kudos: 48





	1. a weirdly subtle conversation

**Author's Note:**

> so it’s been a short while. this is a rewrite of an old fic i had posted titled ‘coming out thing’, so if it looks familiar, chances are, you might have read that one.  
> work title is from a bonus email/blue’s tumblr post from simon vs the homo sapiens agenda, and all chapter titles are quotes from either simon vs or the gorgeous sequel, leah on the offbeat.  
> i’m a lesbian trying to accurately represent queer experiences, but please tell me if anything is extremely wrong or unrealistic. i tried to use american grammar where i remembered, but excuse any australian that slipped in there too.  
> unbeta’d as always!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finds out exactly what Matt knows about him now, amongst the usual antics of his friends. Pan and Blue like each other... just a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter one of svthsa  
> if anyone needs content warnings for this or any future chapters, please let me know in the comments or via my [tumblr](https://vaguelyshakespeareangay.tumblr.com/)

When it comes down to it, Peter doesn’t know if he is angrier at himself or Matthew Lloyd.

“I just thought you’d want to help me out here.” Matt was saying, facing Peter, in the moments before Sister Chantelle began rehearsal for the school play, Romeo and Juliet.

Matt, who Peter had thought of as his genuine friend. Matt, who had instead come across Peter’s private emails, and instead of ignoring them, took screenshots. 

Matt, who now was asking Peter to help him get together with Ivy.

“Why would I want to help you get together with Ivy?” Peter’s voice (thankfully) remained as steady as possible as he responded, refusing to let Matt see him get the best of him.

“I didn’t think you want anyone else to see these, that’s all.” Matt shrugs, and everything clicks at once.

And all Peter can think is ‘Fuck.’

“Let me know, Peter.” Matt leaves without another word, his name being called from elsewhere, leaving Peter standing there with a million insults running through his head but none of them making their way past his lips.

So, really, the problem is entirely Matthew Lloyd related.

Fuck Matthew Lloyd.

Although, Peter kicks himself mentally, the only reason Matt was even able to find these emails was due to Peter’s lack of attention to detail. He had, in a rush to get a Pretty Important Response to a Pretty Important Email from a Pretty Important Boy, logged into the school’s computers to access his emails, and must have forgotten to log out when Matt came to use the computer after him.

Now here he is.

If the email was just any old email, Peter wouldn’t be as concerned, but Matt knowing his darkest secret scared him in a way he wasn’t ever prepared for.

It’s one thing to know that you’re gay in a Catholic family and at a Catholic boarding school, it’s another to know that there’s another mysterious anonymous boy somewhere in your school with the same fears, but it is a whole other issue to have Matthew Lloyd know your secret and now be using it to bend you to his desires.

Peter feels his heart rate pick up as he thinks of what the revelation of his secret could mean for himself within his family and school, but he physically feels his heart drop into his stomach at the thought of what it could to do Blue.

He tries to get a grip on his breathing, so at the very least no one else would pay attention to him, and is graciously saved by the sudden entrance of some of the senior group - namely Lucas, Tanya, Zack and Kyra – barging into the auditorium with a flock of noise, which Peter can identify as Lucas blasting bad music from a small portable speaker.

Sister Chantelle is on them almost immediately, scolding and chastising them for their lateness and the importance of being punctual to their commitments, and Peter bites back a laugh as Lucas drops the speaker in a fumble to turn the music off as the singer begins swearing loudly, and Sister Chantelle’s eyes almost turn red with anger.

While Sister Chantelle is distracted, Peter notices none other than Nadia McConnell sneaking in late behind the group. She scans the room until her eyes catch Peter standing to the side of the room, heading over to him while still avoiding Sister Chantelle’s gaze.

“Hey.” Peter waves at her, to which she responds with a small smile, as Peter’s eyes catch someone else entering the auditorium late, this time catching more people’s attention.

“Jason!” Zack, one of the other senior boys, calls out as Jason enters the auditorium.

“You’re a superstar, man.” Lucas joins in the yells, apparently saved from Sister Chantelle's glare now.

“And the golden boy enters.” Nadia rolls her eyes somewhat affectionately at her twin, not noticing Peter’s lack of attention. “What’d I miss, Peter?”

“What? Oh, nothing. Rory and Ivy are trying to teach Diane and Alan the Pilgrim’s Hand dance.” Nadia and Peter both turn their attention to the stage, where Ivy has her head planted on Rory’s shoulder as Diane and Alan… attempt something that could maybe be the correct choreography. “It’s not going great.”

“Right. Is Sister Chantelle about to start?”

“I assume so. C’mon, let’s see what we have to do today, Nurse.”

That brings a slight grin to Nadia’s face, rolling her eyes at and ignoring Peter’s offered hand. “Not today, Mercutio.” He shrugs with a smile and walks beside her to join the rest of the cast below the stage, standing beside Jason as Sister Chantelle speaks.

“Hey, Peter!” Jason’s grin is almost as blinding as the stage lights, and Peter easily smiles at him.

“Hey Jason.”

“Ready for another rehearsal?” Peter squints at Jason in confusion upon hearing the enthusiasm in his voice, only to be met by a sarcastic forced grin, which soon splits into a real grin as Peter laughs.

“Oh, yeah, definitely, I just adore rehearsal.’

Sister Chantelle begins giving directions out to different groups of students, but Peter’s distracted by the feeling of someone watching him. He turns his head slightly to see Matt watching Ivy, then watching him.

Peter’s never wanted to punch any of his friends more.

“Peter. We're starting, c'mon.” Nadia's nudge to Peter’s shoulder snaps him back into the moment, and he notices everyone moving into their positions for the big group ball scene.

“Sorry.” He mumbles, turning to move into his position next to Lucas and Jason before Nadia catches his arm.

“You... good?” Her voice is quieter, noting the people surrounding them, as her eyes scan his.

He nods. “Just tired.”

That seems to convince her to at least drop his arm, and then rehearsal properly begins, and Peter puts all of his focus on the next line, point, lyric and move.

Around him, Peter can see the whole cast spinning, stepping and tripping (which provokes an exhausted “Diane, focus.” from Sister Chantelle) around the stage at differing levels of competency, muffled giggles underneath tired instructions, and whispered murmurs of lines as music plays and repeats.

As the scene is blocked out, and as Peter tries to remember his Queen Mab monologue while trying not to trip over, he can’t ignore the nauseating feeling of someone else knowing about Blue, let alone using Blue against him.

He shakes his head stubbornly, sighing as he recovers from another almost trip.

The rehearsal couldn’t go quick enough.

* * *

After the gruelling trial of a two-hour rehearsal - followed by the four flights of stairs back to his dorm - it’s unsurprising that the minute Peter reaches his room he collapses on his squeaky bed with a low groan.

Even without the extra drama Matt had now brought upon him, Peter’s pretty sure school and the play were enough to make him want to sleep for 20 hours straight.

However, once his mind catches onto it, he can’t stop thinking about Matt’s threat.

Is it worth it, to try and push one of his best friends towards Matt so he isn’t outed? Would Matt actually out him, or is he making empty threats? He had thought Matt was one of his closest friends but was this what he was really like?

Peter thinks of the angry glare in his memory of his father’s face, the sighs of his mother, the quiet look of disappointment Sister Chantelle so often wears, and the silence from Blue he would get… and he knows his mind is made up. 

He can’t risk his own safety, let alone Blue, not yet. 

Peter sits up slowly a few moments later, eyes flicking to where his laptop sits on his desk.

‘Blue.’ His mind repeats, and he can’t bite back the soft smile spreading across his lips even if he tried, despite the cloud of mystery that really encompasses Blue. 

It’s not like Peter has absolutely no idea who Blue is. He knows that Blue is either a junior or a senior at St. Cecilia’s. He knows that Blue’s family is strict, traditional and very Catholic.

But that alone covers 90% of the upper two years of St. Cecilia’s.

His smile widens slightly when he remembers that despite this, he knows - really knows - Blue better than many other people probably do.

He knows certain things about him. He knows that he doesn’t want to reveal his favourite sport, but he hates golf. Blue’s favourite colour actually _is_ blue, and his dream is to one day have a dog. A big dog, not an “oversized rat”, as he words it. 

But he does know something else that makes him unique.

Blue’s gay. Just like Peter. Making them two closeted individuals against... their entire community, seemingly.

They initially had come to know about each other through ceciliaconfessions, the shitty and sketchy gossip Tumblr blog started up by the students years ago. Feeling trapped by everything around telling him that his most hidden secret was dooming him, Peter had written an oddly poetic piece, amongst the sex and drugs shitposts, about the struggles and weight of trying to be the perfect Catholic son while dealing with the knowledge that he's gay. 

Blame it on the years of silence and loneliness in his identity, it having been 3 am, or the fact that he was fairly high at the time, but Peter had posted it before he could regret it with no name or identification, save for his secret email.

And amongst the comments on and offline hurling homophobic slurs and conspiracy, an email appeared in Peter’s inbox by the next day from one person who had connected with and understood what he had written, from a boy identifying simply as ‘Blue’, with a similarly secretive email address: bluegold129@gmail.com. Thanking whatever higher being had listened to his prayers, Peter had responded, masking his own identity under the pseudonym ‘Pan’.

That was months ago, the emails between the two boys growing in number as each day passed, leading Peter to now feel a longing to put a face and longer name to the person he felt lived inside of his laptop, stirring a growing want to meet Blue somewhere away from their fears and other lives.

But after checking his (empty) inbox for the umpteenth time that night, Peter resigns himself to sitting on his bed, surrounded by paper and textbooks as he makes some attempt on his homework, reminding himself that he should put in some effort to keep his mother proud while he secretly betrays her wishes for him with an anonymous boy he cares about a terrifying amount.

All of his nonsensical mutters and groans of complaint and frustration simply echo back off the walls of the empty room, making him feel a strange type of alone.

It used to be louder last year when he shared with Lucas - ever the party boy - but senior year brought the privilege of single-person rooms on the upper floor of the dorms.

Stuck in his thoughts and the essay he’s editing, Peter almost leaps out of his skin when his phone abruptly buzzes next to his knee, his heart deflating slightly when the notification wasn’t for an email.

CHAT: _tanya is a mariokart goddess_

Ivy: Hey everyone we're meeting at Tanya’s room next Friday night at 8:30 wear something nice and/or slutty!

Nadia: i'll wear a garbage bag

Ivy: Queen of Fashion

Nadia: i’ll still look better than you

Peter: Play nice you two or no god awful champagne

Tanya: don’t mind if i do!!!!!

Peter: :’D I’m proud

Tanya: ily pete

Peter: Don’t call me Pete.

Lucas: stop making my gf like u more pete :(

Peter: …

Ivy: ANYWAY stop bullying Peter and discuss tomorrow night!!! Get hyped!!

Peter: Thanks Ivy

Tanya: yes!!!! Jason: How are we getting to the place again?

Ivy: ...Maaaaaaatttttt

Matt: Yeah?

Tanya: the church’s van!!!!!!!!!

Lucas: u have the keys

Matt: So I should steal it?

Tanya: *borrow

Ivy: pleeeaaase

Jason: Why not?

Matt: Where do I begin?

Lucas: dude cmon we’re counting on u or we’re walking like 20 miles

Matt: I’d like to see you try and walk home without getting lost

Tanya: UR A BAD FRIEND MATTHEW LLOYD

Matt: :)

Lucas: can we rely on u or no

Tanya: it’ll be fun ;))

Matt: Maybe.

Ivy: ...maybe??

Matt: You guys suck. Fine.

Jason: Nice

Tanya: thank fuck

Lucas: anyways I’ve got the good stuff ready ;)

Jason: drugs or porn?

Lucas: ;;;)))

Jason: That’s not an answer, Lucas

Lucas: you pick ;;;;;;;;;)))))))))))

Tanya: ALSO important news i found some glowsticks in my bra drawer so we can really have fun

Jason: Um?

Ivy: huh?

Tanya: ;;;)))

Peter: I'm not gonna ask

Lucas: (((;;;

Ivy: why am I more afraid when its lucas that responds with that

Nadia: we’re all terrified

Tanya: I mean if you guys wanna know…

Jason: Nope

Nadia: we don't need to know, tan

* * *

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 16th at 9:57 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Take Me To Church

I have to say, Pan, I didn't realise that the freshmen were doing that. Then again, I haven’t been paying too much attention in church lately. Something about a distracting boy being stuck in my mind. I don’t think I’ll be confessing that particular thought to Father anytime soon though.

Okay, I've been thinking about this for a while as well. There’s a lot of things I wish I could ask you about, like your subjects or friends or activities in the school. But I know I wouldn’t give you the answer if you asked me the same, so I’ve had to stop myself. But I’m insanely curious about you.

Sometimes I think it's unfair that you affect me so much, Pan. I hate myself for asking, but do you think about me as much as I think about you?

\- Blue

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 16th at 11:42 PM

SUBJECT: Distractions

Blue,

I’m distracting? I feel like you have that the wrong way around, because I can’t function when I’m thinking about you. Which is a lot. I'm a pretty non-functioning person.

So yes, I think about you a lot. You have a way of sticking in my mind.

I’m glad you get what I meant about the questions. It’s not that I don’t know you at all, because I do (I know you enough to never take you to play golf, ever, else you kill someone), but not knowing some things makes it easier to not worry about this becoming too real, too quickly.

It’s like… Things are safe when it's anonymous. It's scary enough that you know things about me that no one else knows. It’s exhilarating that someone not only doesn’t hate me just for being gay, but can really get it. And it just feels safe in these words with you, because I know I trust you.

Not that I don’t imagine going past just these words. Am I allowed to say that?

Yours,

Pan

* * *

The next morning, he’s slow on his feet from staying up late writing to Blue.

“Peter!” Tanya yells from across the corridor, making Peter jump and almost drop his heavy books onto his feet. Beside him, Nadia muffles her laughter into her sweater sleeve.

“Thanks, Nadia.” She shrugs at the clear sarcasm in his voice, before getting distracted by her phone as it buzzes. She glares at her screen, which Peter takes to mean either a text from Ivy or something from her parents, depending on how she would react next.

She groans loudly, rolling her eyes. ...That could be either. “I have to go see what the princess wants.” Ivy, then.

Peter can’t help the frown that takes over his face at the girls' exhausting rivalry and feud as she walks off. “Be nice.”

“Why?!” Her volume turns a few heads, but she weaves through them regardless, following the hallway to the garden, until Peter loses her in the crowds of students struggling to get to lunch. Peter huffs to himself, remembering Tanya’s call and heading to where she’s leaning on her locker a few metres from his, tripping over his own feet as he reaches her.

“What’s up?”

Tanya waits until Peter has almost fallen into her before she grins and speaks again. “Did Matt tell you about his plan?”

Well, that's one way to send the closeted boy who is also being blackmailed by the aforementioned ‘friend’ into cardiac arrest.

“Uh, what plan?”

She laughs, which doesn’t do anything to calm Peter’s increasing nerves.

“For Ivy's birthday? Next week?”

Sudden, overwhelming relief fills him. “Oh, of course. Uh, no, he didn't tell me anything. Why?”

She beams, and Peter can’t even find it in himself to be frustrated about how vague she’s being. “Great. I’ll explain later, see you at rehearsal!” She spins around as if to leave, before quickly turning around to face him once more. “And don’t forget about tonight! My room!” And then she disappears again before he can remind her that they have lunch together now.

Shaking his head fondly, he walks out into the courtyard, finding exactly where Nadia had disappeared to, as he makes out their usual spot towards the corner, heading towards there.

To no one’s surprise, Ivy and Nadia are bickering over something or other when he arrives, and Lucas and Tanya are nowhere to be found, which is something Peter doesn’t want to think too hard about, so he quietly slips into the spot beside Jason and tries to block out the two girls fighting. 

Instead, he finds himself asking Jason, “How long have they been going at each other today?”  
Jason responds with an eye-roll. “Since Ivy texted Nadia that they should rehearse more to make sure that they know their lines. Nadia took personal offence, which was probably intended, and now they’re… arguing about who’s better at remembering lines and acting in general, I think.”

Peter groans, letting his head fall down until it hits the wooden table, startling a laugh out of Jason.

“Trying to give yourself a concussion to escape them?”

“It didn’t work.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend trying again. Concussions aren’t fun.”

At that, Peter sits up again. “You’ve had one?”

“Try three.”

“See, that’s why I don’t play sport.”

Jason smiles again. “No, just theatre, except for that one year you managed to get Nadia into debating with you.”

“Oh my god, I forgot about that. Does she still hate me for it?”

Sparing a sideways look to where Nadia and Ivy were still feuding, Jason shakes his head. “I think she’s pretty full on hating others.” 

Peter sighs quickly once, then hits the table with his textbook once, the echoing sound loud enough to startle both Ivy and Nadia. “Ivy, Nadia, you’re both great. Now please stop, everyone is staring and they’re all annoyed.” Something in Peter’s voice or expression must be pained enough that they actually stop, instead sending each other a final glare as they grow quiet.

Jason sends an appreciative smile to Peter for a moment, which Peter savours silently. “So, Lucas and Tanya aren’t here for me to ask them, and Matt’s not here to complain, but what’s the actual plan for tonight? The chat got a bit sidetracked last week.” Jason asks, looking mostly at Ivy for answers.

Ivy smiles, clapping her hands together. “Well, Lucas has a friend whose cousin’s girlfriend is hosting a rave kind of thing at her place, and Lucas got the seven of us invited!”

“A rave?” Nadia looks uneasy, which quickly masks as annoyance when Ivy turns to her. Peter sees Ivy’s mouth open about to speak, and decides to quickly interrupt whatever insult she has prepared. 

“Everyone’ll be too drunk to be in the mood to judge anyone, please come?” Peter pleads, and Nadia’s gaze flickers between his and Jason’s, as the twins seem to have a silent conversation in a manner of seconds.

“Fine. But I’m not drinking, and I’m not playing responsible sober friend.” Nadia groans, rolling her eyes at Peter’s grin at her.

“Nah, you won’t have to, that’s what we have Matt for,” Jason says, nodding his chin to where Matt is approaching the table.

“What am I for?” He asks, sliding in beside Ivy with a smile that Peter wants to punch.

“Being our one responsible friend!” Ivy laughs, nudging him with her elbow. “I’m joking, you’re more than just our designated driver.”

“Thanks, Ivy.” But Matt’s eyes aren’t on Ivy as she turns to start up a new conversation with Jason, but instead where her hand sits on his arm before his eyes jump up to meet Peter’s. Matt raises an eyebrow and tilts his head in Ivy’s direction. A silent question.

_So, are you helping me with her?_

And a threat.

_Or am I exposing you to everyone?_

Peter shrugs non-committedly and turns back to try and pay attention to Ivy’s words, a shiver running down his spine as Matt continues to burn holes in the side of his face.

_Shit._


	2. the magnitude of this change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter tries to ignore pesky feelings, as the Wonderland group plan a party, go out for a night, and enjoy being friends. Blue opens up just a bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter thirty-two of loto  
> (i couldn't wait to share more)

Sometimes, Peter finds rehearsal to be a blessing; an escape from the ‘normal’ routine of school, and somewhere to spend time doing something he loves with the people he likes.

Somedays, Peter wishes the earth beneath him would open up and swallow him whole.

And this day is one of the latter. Between Ivy and Nadia being more at each other’s throats than usual, Matt’s general existence with the whole blackmailing problem, Blue constantly being on his mind, and now his English teacher berating their class for a lower than anticipated average score on their latest assessment: Peter wants to sleep. 

“That woman makes me want to jump off a bridge.” Peter jumps as Jason seemingly materializes beside him, the two of them falling into step as they head towards the auditorium.

“She does like talking. A lot.” Peter shrugs. 

Jason let out a laugh. “You don't say?” Peter watches out of the corner of his eye how Jason’s arms move as he shifts his bag on his shoulder, before Peter catches himself and curses silently, paying attention to Jason’s words instead “Then again, I think she loves me anyway.”

“Fucking top of the class.” Peter huffs, his mock glare breaking into a smile as Jason laughs, whatever words he was going to say next cut off by the sound of Sister Chantelle’s yelling, clear even from where they stand a few meters away from the auditorium doors.

“Ivy, Nadia, run Act 2 Scene 5.” Walking in, Peter sees Nadia's face fall into a scowl the second the words pass Sister Chantelle’s lips, and he bites back a laugh at the long sigh she lets out as she makes her way to the stage extension where Ivy stands with an annoyed frown.

Seeing them standing in the doorway, Sister Chantelle spins around and points at Peter and Jason. “You two, and Lucas... go from the beginning of Act 1 Scene 4. Everyone else...” Sister Chantelle pauses for a second, sighs, then makes her way over to where the rest of the students clearly couldn’t care less.

Jason and Peter make their way to the stage where Lucas is waiting for them, confusedly flicking through a script until he lifts his head to grin at the two. 

“You know how Sister Chantelle asked us to memorize this scene by last Wednesday?” Lucas says, and Peter can guess where this conversation is going.

“...Yeah?”

“I did!” Peter raises an eyebrow until Lucas continues speaking, “Not. I did not. But Tanya said she’ll help me, so I’ll know them eventually.”

Jason laughs, moving around Lucas to stand in his position for the scene. “No one’s surprised, Lucas. Just try and learn them before opening night, okay?”

“Sure thing, buddy.” Lucas’ grin didn’t falter, as he slid his bag off his shoulder and across the stage, before taking his place leaning against Jason. Pausing, he twisted his head over his shoulder as one hand grabbed Jason’s arm. “Man, your arms are huge.”

Jason rolls his eyes and shoves Lucas off him, both of them laughing as Jason turns towards Peter.

And Peter had to just stop for a second to admire the view.

_ Damn. _

“Peter? You good?” Jason’s smile dims slightly as he tilts his head to the side, and Peter is quick to move and eradicate the image of Jason laughing from his mind. 

_ Not now. _

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Great. Which scene again?”

He  _ really _ needs to stop getting distracted by his friend - who is also his best friend’s twin brother - before he gets caught.

Doesn’t he know better than to fall for a straight boy?

* * *

“Okay, rehearsal can end five minutes early today, I’ve had enough of y’all.” Sister Chantelle calls to the room, and as soon the words pass her lips, half of the chorus is running out the doors. She sighs and makes her way out after them without another word.

Ivy perks up, jumping down from where she was talking with Kyra and Tanya to follow after her. “Wait, Sister Chantelle! I made some sketches…” Her voice is lost as she runs around the corner.

Lucas watches her leave before he’s gesturing for the rest of their group to come together. Tanya appears behind him almost instantly, and Peter’s not convinced she didn’t teleport.

“C’mon, seniors! Before Ivy comes back!” Nadia, Kyra, Rory, and Zack all walk up to join them, and Tanya grins again as they all stand in a circle. “Plan time!”

“So, Ivy’s birthday’s in a week.” And suddenly, Matt’s here as well.

Great.

“And we’re gonna throw a party, right?” Lucas is supporting most of Tanya’s weight, both of them with matching mischievous expressions.

Truly a perfect couple.

“Depends on who’s cleaning up, and if someone’s gonna lock her bedroom door after her.” Nadia scoffs from beside Peter. He turns to frown disappointedly at her, and she simply pokes her tongue out in response.

“We have to throw her a party! She’s eighteen, she’s legally an adult, and I sorely miss getting wasted.” Kyra says.

“Kyra, we went out together last week.” Tanya pokes her arm playfully, and Kyra grins.

“Oh, I know. But I miss it.”

“I think a party sounds great. Something classy, something small.” Tanya, Kyra, and Lucas all exchange glances that say otherwise, but Peter gets distracted by Matt suddenly staring right at him with threatening confidence. “What do you think, Peter?”

Fucker.

“Sure, let’s throw a party for Ivy,” Peter says, and any following response is drowned out by Zack’s cheer, and Tanya and Kyra hi-fiving as Lucas grins wickedly.

“I can sort drinks with this dumbass,” Kyra says, pointing to Zack behind her, and Lucas nods.

“Got it. Okay, Jason, you do music. Nadia and Peter, you two are on decorations. I know what you all want, and Rory, make some brownies.

Tanya leans forward more at the mention of Rory’s brownies. “Yes, please! And I’ll keep our girl busy so it can be a surprise. Everyone else… just bring what food or drinks you can!”

Jason nudges Peter from beside him. “I might need your help with music, I don’t know what Ivy likes.”

Peter smiles. “Can do, if you help us hang streamers, giant.” He grins easily, laughing when Jason scoffs at the insult to his height. He notices Matt trying to persuade Tanya to keep it quiet and laughs to himself at the fruitless effort.

“What’s going on?” Ivy’s voice comes from the doorway, startling the group. Nadia gestures for Rory, Zack, and Kyra to leave quickly, and Rory waves and Kyra winks as they walk out the doors.

“We’re talking about tonight!” Lucas covers smoothly, spinning around with Tanya completely on his back. “You ready?”

Ivy’s responding smile is blinding. “As if that’s a real question, of course I am. In fact,” she checks the time on her phone, “We should go get ready now. Tanya, let’s go!” 

Tanya smiles as she slides off Lucas, giving him a quick kiss. “Coming, Ivy. Nadia, let’s go.” She grabs Nadia’s hand and leads her out.

“I- What?” Nadia seems too surprised to protest, instead letting herself be dragged out by Tanya’s strong grip as she skips out of the auditorium, Nadia sending a final pleading look to Peter, who simply waves back with a smile.

“Have fun!” Jason calls out after them, laughing when Nadia’s middle finger reappears around the doorframe.

“Well, we’ll see if they survive when we meet up in a few hours or so.” Lucas laughs at the girls, looking amused but not necessarily surprised, as he turns back to Peter, Jason and Matt.

“I guess?” Matt says, causing all pairs of eyes in the room to flick towards them.

“You guess? Dude, you’re our ride, don’t bail on us now!” Jason reminds him.

Lucas nods seriously, staring until Matt relents. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Hell yeah! Don’t forget the keys for the van, man.” Lucas laughs at the rhyme, leading the boys towards the dorms as they pass students in the hallway sending them weird looks. Peter thinks he heard Lucas mumble something about Wonderland and swirling lights, but he knows better than to comment on it.

It’s just all a part of the Lucas Carter package.

* * *

Peter is walking through the hallways towards Tanya’s room at eight-thirty on the dot, seeing Jason and Matt standing outside and talking, forcing himself to swallow the anxiety building in his throat.

Just because Matt is talking to someone, someone they’re  _ both friends with _ , doesn’t mean he’s outing him.

_ Yet. _

“Pete!” Peter jumps at Lucas’ voice from behind him, turning around to see him with a shit-eating grin and terrible glowstick glasses on his face.

“You look straight out of a bad 2000s movie, Lucas,” Jason says.

“Thank you very much.”

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

Lucas’ grin doesn’t falter. “Hey, this way you can’t lose me when we get there. You know who to go to when you want some  _ fun _ .”

Matt shifts uncomfortably, speaking in a hushed voice. “Just because you’re using different words doesn’t make me feel any better about enabling this.”

Peter catches Jason’s eye-roll and muffles his laughter as Lucas claps Matt’s shoulder and speaks. “Matthew, my man, you have to get over it. We’ve been friends for three years, you have to either get on board with this or disapprove of it silently.” Lucas’ face is serious for a moment until Tanya opens her door and his face splits into a lovesick grin.

“Hi boys, we’re ready!” Tanya waves, eyes on Lucas as she walks over to kiss him, and Ivy and Nadia come out the door behind her.

“Yeah, we’re here too,” Nadia grumbles, pulling at the skirt she’s wearing. Noticing Peter’s eyes on her, she stops fidgeting and wraps her arms around her waist. “What?”

Peter smiles softly, linking his arm through hers and leaning his head on her shoulder, thankful not for the first time that they’re practically the same height. “You look nice.”

“Shut up.” Nadia’s cheeks flush, and Peter smiles wider but doesn’t comment.

“Woah.” Peter and Nadia both turn to see Matt staring obviously at Ivy, as she smiles slyly and adjusts her singlet where it cuts off at her stomach. “You look great, Ivy.”

“Thanks, Matt.” Ivy’s voice is polite, but her smile changes as she turns towards Jason. “You excited for tonight?”

Jason either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. “Yeah, should be fun to hang out with everyone again. Away from school, that is.”

“Ladies and fellas,” Lucas and Tanya have apparently finished making out, Tanya reapplying her lipstick as Lucas speaks, “Time to go. Matt, you good?”

Matt pauses then sighs, pulling the keys out of his pocket. “As I’ll ever be.”

“Try and look enthusiastic, my friend.” Lucas leans in closer as he leads Matt down the hallway, moving past Peter and Nadia, “If you’re lucky you might get to dance with a certain girl tonight.”

Nadia gags, letting Peter pull her after them. “Please never let those two happen.”

Peter can’t help but silently agree with her, trying to subdue the guilt building in the pit of his stomach.

Once they manage to get out of the dorms without raising any alarms, Ivy frowns at the church van. “Was it always this small?”

Tanya tilts her head, “I think so?”, before turning to Ivy. “Maybe you’re already drunk, babes.”

Ivy laughs, a high pitched giggle that Peter recognizes as her drunk laugh, and he and Nadia sigh in sync, before turning to each other with raised eyebrows.

“Wow,” Jason says beside them. “Are you sure you two aren’t twins?”

Nadia scoffs, using the arm that isn’t looped through Peter’s to take a half-assed swing at Jason, which he easily dodges. “Please, you wish you weren’t related to me.”

Jason laughs, but something in his voice changes. “Nah, I need at least one family member I can tolerate.” He says without meeting anyone’s eyes, pausing before taking a swig of a small bottle of something alcoholic from his jacket pocket.

Nadia laughs, stretching her arm out to him for the bottle. “Cheers to that, Romeo.” She also takes a mouthful, offering it to Peter just as Matt manages to get the van unlocked.

Tanya is the first to climb in, dancing in the aisle before Lucas pulls her onto his lap on the back row. Ivy goes to join them, but Peter watches as Matt catches her arm.

“Ivy, come keep me company up the front?” Peter stops himself from actually facepalming at that. He sees the conflict of emotions on Ivy’s face before she changes into a sweet smile and grabs his hand. 

“Yeah, okay. But you have to dance with me at least once when we’re there, okay?”

Matt beams. “Sure.” Ivy walks around to get in her seat, and Matt notices Peter watching them as he smiles at him, the gesture completely normal and familiar within their friendship.

Peter feels his stomach crawl when his brain catches up, and he takes the bottle that Nadia is still holding out to him and takes two mouthfuls, wincing at the burn.

“Jesus, Peter. Drinking to forget?” Jason laughs with a shock, taking the bottle and hiding it back inside his jacket.

“Something like that. Come on, we’ve got a rave to get to!” Peter grins, and ignores Nadia’s questioning glance at him, the uneasy feeling in his gut at Matt, and climbs on the bus after Jason.

* * *

Before they get off the van, Tanya starts throwing glowsticks over seats to everyone, telling them to put them on.

“We can find each other easier that way, because God knows telling you to not leave alone doesn’t always work,  _ Ivy Robinson _ .” She semi-seriously glares at Ivy, who is laughing in the passenger seat.

Jason looks like he’s about to make a comment, but is stunned into silence as Lucas places another pair of glow stick glasses on top of the ones he already had on. 

Lucas notices the eyes on him and grins shamelessly. “Like what you see?”

“Nope, I really don’t. How much do I need to take to ignore… that?” Jason says deadpan, to which Lucas cackles.

“Not as much as I can provide without facing actual consequences, man.”

Peter knows that they’ve arrived at the party as Ivy cheers from the front of the van, arms waving wildly, almost hitting Nadia in the face.

“Fuck off, Ivy,” Nadia grumbles, shoving her arms away.

“Everyone, no going off alone, don’t be stupid, and only take what I give you,” Lucas says, looking around as the group nods.

“Yes, Dad.” Peter grins at the look Lucas gives him and immediately regrets it when Tanya’s eyes flash.

“More like Daddy!’

Everyone voices their disapproval at her, Nadia flipping her off and Ivy going so far to throw her phone at Tanya’s head, which the latter girl catches easily with a maniacal grin.

Lucas’ smile matches his girlfriend’s, his demeanor sliding easily out of responsibility. “Let’s get high off our asses and ignore our responsibilities, yeah!?” 

A cheer fills the air of the van, the joy staying in the air as the group clambers off the van, circling around Lucas with a small zip bag.

“Remember what I said, don’t take anything else tonight, this’ll be enough. That means no more drinks, Ivy. I ain’t babysitting anyone, or calling an ambulance; Y’all are all smart enough to listen. But, don’t let me delay your fun any longer… who wants some?” Everyone, save for Matt, steps forward at the same time, and Lucas’ grin doesn’t fade.

Peter watches Tanya and Ivy take theirs at the same time, Lucas carefully tipping some onto Jason’s hand, Nadia beside him watching with carefully concealed anxiety, and Matt’s eyes on Ivy.

“Peter?” Lucas says in front of him, one eyebrow raised.

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Peter lifts his hand for Lucas and watches as the white powder forms a neat line.

“Two-second burn, bud. Enjoy.” Lucas grins and pours some for himself, and in a few seconds, all members of their group have taken some, save for Matt the designated driver, at which Peter rolls his eyes and slings an arm around Nadia’s shoulders as they head to the party.

“You took some?” Peter asks.

Nadia hums noncommittally, then lowers her voice when she speaks. “Some. Not all of what Lucas handed out. You?”

Peter grins. “Yeah. Why not, live a little, right?”

Nadia chuckles lowly, her eye-roll filled with some level of fondness. “Easy to say when you have nothing to lose or fear revealing.”

Peter frowns, having not heard her words. “Huh?”

“Nothing. You gonna try and meet a girl at this party?”

Peter nearly trips over his own feet. “What now?”

“A girl, Peter.” Nadia shrugs, “I figured that’s all the boys in our grade have their mind on, what makes you any different.”

Peter bites his lip, the drugs in his system dulling the anxiety that would be crawling up his throat by now. “Well, I’d hope I’d be somewhat different. Is Jason just like the rest?”

Something flashes over Nadia’s face, too quickly for Peter to pick up on, especially when already getting high. “Most of the girls in this school fawn over him.” She says in lieu of an answer, turning her head to him, “I like you not being a normal douchebag guy.”

“Awh, I like it too, Nadia.”

“Peter!” Ivy’s voice captures his attention, and he drags Nadia to join Ivy’s side. “You… need to dance with me. Everyone does, but you do too.” Peter grins at her dopily, opening his mouth to respond just as they round the corner to the party.

“Now this is a real party,” Tanya says, flashing her eyes back to Matt and leaning over to whisper loudly to Peter. “Don’t tell Matt, or he’ll send us to church for Ivy’s birthday.”

A hand on his wrist startles him, and he turns to see Ivy grabbing hold of him to drag him through the groups of people towards where the music is playing, Nadia following hesitantly with Peter’s arm still looped over her shoulders.

“Stop thinking!” Ivy yells to him over the music, sending him a mock glare before starting to dance, the rest of their group joining her in a manner of moments.

* * *

“Mind if I join you?” Hearing a voice from behind him, Peter spins around to see none other than Jason.

“Yes! Please, Nadia left me ages ago and I didn’t want to third wheel them.” Peter and Jason both turn to watch Matt dancing with Ivy, his arms around her waist almost protectively as she dances against him.

“You think they’ll get together?” Jason asks.

Peter shakes his head, ignoring his heart rate picking up as Matt’s threat sits heavy in his mind. “I don’t even want to think about anything tonight.” 

Jason laughs at that and joins Peter dancing, neither of them noticing Nadia sliding up beside them until she speaks. “Hey.”

Peter grins. “Nadia!”

“What’s up, sis?” Jason asks, to which Nadia pulls a face.

She glares. “You never call me sis. Don’t start now. I just needed to get further away from the disaster over there.” She gestures to Ivy and Matt, and Peter almost laughs at her disgusted expression. “She’s so far gone.”

Jason shrugs, grabbing Nadia’s hand, ignoring her glare. “Dance with us, Nadia, stop sitting to the side looking angry as if you didn’t want to be here!”

She pulls her hand out of his grip quickly. “I didn’t. I only came because this was a slightly better option than sitting in my room practicing the cello again.”

Before Jason can respond, Ivy barrels into them and drapes herself across Jason with a small laugh. “Less talking, you three, more dancing with me!”

Peter lets himself be dragged by her, giving in and dancing with her as he ignores Matt following her to join them.

Peter doesn’t know how much time passes with the group dancing together, but he realizes it’s been a while when he notices Ivy and Matt missing from their small circle, the only hint to her location being the top of Matt’s head at the edge of the crowd. Peter thinks he hears Matt calling for Lucas, but his mind is lost when Jason grabs his arm.

“Even when at a party and high, you’re still stuck in your head.” Jason’s voice is amused as he speaks right next to Peter’s ear, “Do you ever relax?”

Peter feels a chill running down his spine at that, and forces himself to push down any feelings, a grin finding its way onto his face. “Only if you stop talking and just dance with me.”

Peter knows he wouldn’t be speaking like this if he was in his right mind, but for now, he lets the adrenaline and drugs in his system push him forward and ignores any more thoughts that try to make their way through his mind.

* * *

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 23rd at 1:37 AM

SUBJECT: parties

Dear Pan,

As it gets closer to Halloween, I can’t help but be reminded of you and I. I guess it comes with the masking of identities, and how in a way we wear ‘costumes’ of these identities in these emails but we actually exist as completely separate individuals.

I could know you in real life, and I wouldn’t even realize it. One of us could be older than the other and we’d both be none the wiser. We could share classes or extracurriculars, and we wouldn’t know. We could even have spoken today, and we would have no idea.

So I more than get what you mean about things being safer when they’re anonymous. I’m truly grateful to have someone like you that really does, as you said, ‘Get me’, and I trust you more than almost anyone else.

Which is why I can say that I’ve thought about it too. Meeting beyond emails, that is. But only when I’m in states like this, where I’m not exactly sober or level-headed, because I’m not sure our meeting is a good idea. I don’t know if you meant now or in general, but I think this is terrifying enough to know you as a faceless fake name within the same school that understands me and is like me.

Aside from every single fear I have, I don’t know what I’d do, or what I’d be able to stop myself from doing, if I was to actually meet you.

Take that how you will.

\- Blue


	3. this is not a fucking teen movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise Hallo-birthday party is held for Ivy, and Peter realizes something about his friends. Pan and Blue talk and make each other happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter thirty-three of loto

When Peter wakes up the next morning, the first thing he notices is that his phone is insistently buzzing on his bedside table. He attempts to grab it without opening his eyes, and manages to knock it onto the floor. Groaning, he peels one eye open to find it, answering the call once it’s in his hand.

“Wha?”

“Good morning to you too, Peter.” Nadia’s voice comes through the phone, and Peter blindly puts it on speaker, placing it back on the bedside table.

“What’s up? Why are you calling me?” Peter’s voice is slightly slurred from sleep and his growing headache, not going unnoticed as Nadia lets out a small laugh.

“Cause it’s almost 10, and I’m coming over to your room.”

“I’m in the boys dorms, Nadia, you’re not allowed in.”

“Oh yeah? I’m outside your door.” A knock on his door makes him sit up, a frown on his face. He slowly moves to open the door, being greeted with a smirking Nadia holding her phone, hanging up with one finger. “Hi. You’re a mess.”

Peter rolls his eyes, moving to let her in and collapsing face down on the bed. “I know.”

“Come on, we have confession, and you know it’s more suspicious if you don’t go. Remember Kyra last month?”

“I know, I know. Why’d you have to come here to remind me that?”

Nadia shrugs, collapsing in his desk chair. “Cause I was over at Jason’s room, then I figured I should check if you were up.”

“Yeah, fair. You went to Jason’s?”

“Letters from our parents.” Hearing the change in Nadia’s voice, Peter turns around to face her. As soon as she notices his sympathetic look, she rolls her eyes. “Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, it’s fine. Dad wanted to clarify Christmas plans.”

“Whatever you say. Now, turn around, if you don’t want me to kick you out while I get changed.” Nadia spins around in the chair, facing the wall and flicking through one of Peter’s notebooks as he dresses.

Once he’s finished, the two make their way towards the church, ignoring Zack’s look (and wiggling eyebrows) at them as they walk through the boys dorm hallway together.

“I can’t wait to graduate and never have to deal with Zack again.” Peter grumbles, holding the door open for Nadia.

“You’re telling me. Although, rehearsal tomorrow should be interesting. Apparently Zack and Kyra ‘finally’ slept together, so he’s gonna be obnoxious as all hell.” Nadia explains quietly, using her fingers to air quote.

“Will he confess that to Father?” Peter says, making Nadia laugh.

“Yeah, just like Tanya’ll confess she passed out after last night, and Alan doesn’t recycle.” Her words make Peter laugh as well, and the two don’t manage to calm themselves down by the time they’re outside the church doors. 

Jason approaches the two, an eyebrow raised at their laughter. “You two good?”

Nadia smiles. “Perfect. You? Feeling any more on the ground today?”

Jason rolls his eyes, and Peter is reminded how similar the twins truly are. “Getting there.”

“You look pretty put together for someone who’s getting there.” Peter points out, gesturing to his clean shirt, tie and pristine hair, making Jason smile.

“I’ve had enough practice. How many years have we known Lucas for, again?”

“Too many, my friends.” Lucas, right on time, appears between Jason and Peter, throwing an arm over their shoulders.

“Come on, dumbasses.” Nadia looks vaguely amused, even as she turns and leaves the three boys to follow into the church.

“Reminder, tell the others, but everyone should have a costume for Ivy’s Hallo-birthday party, got it?” Lucas says quietly to Jason and Peter, who nod, before he bounds off to someone else.

“Great, we have a week to organize costumes.” Peter complains, before noting Jason’s amused look. “What?”

“That’s plenty of time, just put a sheet on and call yourself a ghost.”

Peter’s jaw drops, pointing a finger at Jason. “Okay, you don’t get to call me out for wanting a good costume when you’re perfect everywhere else, Straight A’s.” Peter can’t help the smile that grows on his face, especially as Jason laughs.

Jason puts his hands up in surrender. “Fine, fine, I look forward to seeing what you’ve created.” He’s still smiling as he walks to sit beside Nadia, leaving Peter standing gobsmacked.

_ Was I just flirting with Jason Fucking McConnell? _

“Peter, you coming?” Ivy asks, catching his attention.

_ I am  _ not _ catching feelings for my friend. Not for Nadia’s brother. _

“Yeah, coming.”

_ Fuck. _

* * *

  
  
Upon returning to his room, the first thing Peter does is check his email. Having fallen asleep so quickly after last night, and Nadia being there as soon as he had woken up today, he had no chance to see if Blue had responded to him yet.

The sight of an email in his inbox makes him grin into his fist, and the grin doesn’t go away as he reads every word.

_ ‘I’ve thought about it too, meeting beyond emails’ ‘what I’d be able to stop myself from doing, if I was to actually meet you’ _

Peter wants to scream.

_ This boy. _

Also, Blue was drunk? Or high?

As much as Peter tried not to, he couldn’t help but think back on last night’s party. There were so many people there, not to mention all the other parties St. Cecilia’s students went to on a Friday night… could he have crossed paths with Blue and not even realized it?

_ Stop. Trying to figure out who Blue is will only make me more tired. _

Peter felt his heart pick up as he reread the last line, over and over.

_ ‘I don’t know what I’d do, or what I’d be able to stop myself from doing, if I was to actually meet you.’ _

Seriously, was he supposed to be able to breathe after reading that? What was Blue trying to do to him?

Was he supposed to still function when all he can think about is kissing this mysterious boy from his emails?

* * *

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 23rd at 8:06 PM

SUBJECT: I like nerds

Wow Blue, getting drunk on a Friday night? How risky of you. Unless you were doing more than getting drunk…

I won’t really ask you to expose yourself here, don’t worry.

Whatever influence you were under, I liked how weirdly rambly you were. But don’t worry, I’m still plenty impressed how eloquent You. Always. Are. 

Nerd.

(I love you being a nerd) 

I guess it is something that we really have no idea about each other’s ‘real’ lives, as honest as we are here. Maybe we were both not-sober together last night. Who knows. But I feel honored that you trust me so much.

I don’t think you quite understand how much your words get to me, Blue. “What I’d be able to stop myself from doing”?? Usually, I’d keep my freaking out over your words to myself, but this was too much.

But same here. 

And I’d only ever want to meet in the future, eventually, when we both can without as much fear. Maybe that means we have to wait until we both graduate, if you’re even a senior like me.

\- Pan

  
  


FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 24th at 7:21 AM

SUBJECT: I’m glad you like nerds

Pan,

Well, I can’t tell if you entirely meant to reveal what grade you’re in. If it helps, I’m a senior too, so there’s one more thing you know about ‘real-life’ me.

Thank you for understanding what I meant, both about meeting and what may or may not happen if we meet. 

I am intrigued by the fact that you freak out over my words to you… I’ve definitely had some similar moments where your words get to me. Maybe it’s bad for me to be not wanting to meet you but now imagining you reading what I write to you and how it’d make you react. Maybe it’s better, because if I thought of you as real I don’t know if I’d be saying anything I’ve said to you.

And I’ve been wanting to ask for a while, but what exactly made you realize you were gay?

\- Blue

  
  


FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 25th at 7:12 PM

SUBJECT: I’m glad you’re glad I like nerds

Well, Blue, I can’t say I’m surprised at my lack of attention to detail. So no, I didn’t mean to tell you what grade I’m in, but that’s okay because we’re in the same grade and that means it’s less time until we’re both graduated if that is when you want to meet. If you want to meet. The world is our oyster, Blue.

Knowing that I’m gay… that’s hard. I think in a way I’ve always had some idea, and I’ve always been a bit more effeminate than other boys our age, but I had no idea what that meant. I guess I really figured it out around age 8 when my parents got divorced because my dad didn’t think I was much of a son. I told myself I wasn’t gay, that I could be ‘normal’ and make him happy and not be condemned to hell, but by about age 12 I knew it was true. It helps that there’s more around that makes my little gay heart feel less foreign and destined-for-hell.

So that’s not the happiest story. What about you, Blue?

I have another question as well, actually. I want to get to know you from the inside out, since who knows when we’ll meet, but I need to know this to really understand you.

What’s your favorite sweet food?

\- Pan

  
  


FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 26th at 8:45 PM

SUBJECT: Re: I’m glad you’re glad I like nerds

Well now all I want to do is go back in time and give baby Pan a hug. Maybe senior year Pan too, I heard he’s a cute nerd. 

That’s shit of your father… do you still talk to him much? Sorry if you don’t feel comfortable answering that. I can’t say I have the best father-son relationship either, if that makes up for it in any way.

When I knew I liked boys… I always suspected there was something off with me, when at the same age everyone became very interested in the opposite gender and I only cared about sport. I played along with them, trying to fit in, which I still try and keep up now. I never wanted to think about it, because I didn’t want to disappoint my family more, but I properly realized when I was fourteen and kind of had feelings for one of my friends. For a while I told myself I couldn’t accept it as a part of myself, because I’d be letting down my family and God. I’m not sure how much I’ve progressed past that, if I’m being perfectly honest, but as the days go by I think more and more that it’s just how we’re meant to be.

Easy enough to say, a whole other issue to accept it I guess. It’s only something that’s changed recently.

Guess I don’t really have a wonderful happy story either.

Favorite sweet food… you’re really making me think here. Honest answer? Reese’s. There’s something about them… on the rare chance I do eat candy, I’ll go for Reese’s. Unless you want to talk about desserts, in which I love any homemade pie. What about you, Pan? What treat has earned your title of favorite?

\- Blue

  
  


FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 28th at 4:19 AM

SUBJECT: I’m the cute nerd?

First of all, I believe both senior year Pan and baby Pan would love a hug from Blue. Especially senior year Pan. And sorry about your shitty dad, too. 

And about you accepting yourself only recently… did something trigger that, or was it just time?

I’m very happy that you answered with Reese’s, because they are truly on the god-tier of candy. M&Ms come close, and Oreos are a whole new level of blessed. I’m very familiar with candy, so when I say something’s good, I’m usually right. Homemade pie, though, that’s something I hadn’t considered for desserts. Guess I should trust your opinion alongside mine for these sorts of issues.

Here’s a new question for you as well, Blue: We’ve spoken about dogs a lot, and I know your dream is to one day have a big dog not an oversized rat, but what’s your favorite dog breed?

\- Pan

  
  


FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 29th at 3:01 PM

SUBJECT: Homemade Pies are better than sex

Pan, why were you emailing me at 4 in the morning? Are you okay? Did you get any sleep last night? Should I be worried?

One thing that might have triggered my acceptance… maybe when I took a wild shot emailing a poetic boy from a single Tumblr post, and began feeling less alone thanks to the anonymous boy emailing me back. He’s helped me like he could never understand.

Thank you for trusting my judgment on desserts and candy. Oreos are definitely up there, but I can only tolerate M&Ms as long as they aren’t the peanut ones. Call me crazy, but I love Reese’s and hate peanut M&Ms. Please tell me that my opinion’s still valuable to you.

Favorite dog breeds… I love that you remembered that I want a dog. I think I like any of the bigger breeds, but especially Labradors, Golden Retrievers, or any other kind of Retriever. German Shepherds are also beautiful… Now I just really want a dog to cuddle. I used to have a Labrador when I was a kid but he was old and never wanted to go play, so would rather sleep beside your feet. I miss him.

I think my dream’s updated a little since then… is it too cliche to want the perfect picture of a dog, house and husband?

\- Blue

  
  


FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 29th at 9:11 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Homemade Pies are better than sex

First of all: Homemade pies are better than sex? Really? I can’t say that I’d know, but maybe you just need to have some different experiences, Blue. I mean, I have to hope that non-hetero sex is better than homemade pies. Sorry? I can’t believe I’m typing that and sending it to you.

Also, I was awake because of fun little thoughts keeping me up, plus schoolwork… please don’t worry about me though! I was just a walking zombie all of today.

On a similar train of thought, I couldn’t stop grinning at my laptop when I read your words about accepting yourself and your updated dream. I’m proud of you, Blue. And, just saying, whoever this anonymous boy is… I’m certain he feels the same, and has the same gratitude towards you.

You’re not crazy at all, Blue. Of course I still trust your opinion… as long as you don’t turn around and tell me Reese’s beat Oreos, okay? I draw the line at your pies being on par with my Oreos.

Holy shit I love big dogs like those too, plus the fluffy ones like Samoyeds and Akitas… ones that I would have wanted to ride like a horse when I was four years old, basically. Your dog as a kid sounds absolutely adorable… I was never allowed one but my neighbors had a little pug-like thing… it was mean and didn’t like me very much. Hopefully, my future dog isn’t the same.

I really hope that you get that dream one day, Blue.

\- Your Zombie Pan

  
  


FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 30th at 8:40 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Homemade Pies are better than sex

Zombie Pan,

To be fair, I can’t say for sure about homemade pies being better than sex, but maybe that’s only referring to heterosexual. Maybe I do need some different experiences. I hope that I prove myself wrong. I’d imagine it's better than homemade pies, no matter how warm the pies may be.

Now I’m actually blushing. The things you do to me, Pan. Months ago, I could never imagine even thinking that, let alone sending it to someone.

I really hope you had more sleep last night, so you’re not forever going to be Zombie Pan, as adorable as I may find you tired. Hopefully, your ‘fun little thoughts’ disappear so you can focus on how tomorrow is Halloween and we get to have Reese’s, M&Ms, and hopefully, for you, Oreos. (I won’t say that Reese’s beat Oreos… I’ll let you win this one)

I will never understand how something - even a dog - couldn’t like you, Pan. But also, is it bad I can’t stop imagining baby Pan trying to ride a giant Samoyed? I just find everything about you adorable.

I have to ask - what’s your ideal dream too? Is it anything like mine?

\- Blue

  
  


FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Oct. 31th at 12:01 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Homemade Pies are better than sex

First of all, yes it’s Halloween! I love Halloween and dressing up and masked identities and the mystery of it all (and Reese’s and M&Ms and Oreos too, because obviously they win). Did you ever dress up as a kid for Halloween? I remember wanting to wear a dress and be like a 1920s flapper girl when I was nine, which my mother shut down, so I went as a superhero instead. I had written myself a whole secret identity backstory, because I was kind of obsessed with the idea of being someone else in real life that everyone had no idea about.

Maybe that never ended, because here I am talking to you under a different name, in the closet to everyone but you.

I can’t believe that I made you blush by talking about the hypothetical value of your favorite dessert compared to sex. I love that about you, how eloquent you are but you blush over that.

I made you blush. I’m not letting go of that. (Even if I reacted the same. More so when you said I’m adorable. Stop that.)

My ideal dream, though… I have to say, husband and a dog sound perfect. In the most cliche of white picket fenced houses, with complete acceptance from family and friends… now I’m getting too far fetched. I’d just be happy to be in love.

\- Pan

* * *

  
  


A week passes fairly quickly, and soon enough Peter is standing in Ivy’s room in a Halloween costume, hanging streamers off the walls as the rest of their friends filter in.

“We’re here!” Nadia’s voice from the doorway makes Peter turn, and he can’t help but laugh as Zack and Kyra carry a dick pinata through the door, followed by everyone else.

Peter goes to say something but is interrupted by Matt, who looks horrified. “What the hell is that?”

“Think he would’ve approved of the party if he knew what everyone was planning?” Lucas says, suddenly beside Peter.

Peter laughs. “No way.” 

The sound of everyone arriving and trying to set up their own decorations in the one room drowns out Peter’s thoughts, so he goes over to where Nadia is frowning at her bag.

“What’s up?”

“I had some more streamers for you to put up… here!” Grinning, she pulls out a boa of condoms, looking up at Peter like the Cheshire Cat. “You like?”

“You’re mean to her.”

“She’s a bitch.”

“Be nice!!”

“Yeah, I’ll be nice when she stops sleeping with the entire senior class.”

Peter rolls his eyes, saved by Jason coming up beside him. “Nadia’s being mean to Ivy again?”

“Wow, Jason, your presence was wanted at this exact moment, thanks.” Nadia glares, turning and talking to Kyra, handing her the boa.

“Everyone’s here?” Peter asks, busying himself with fixing the table of food and drinks being haphazardly dumped.

“Yeah, except for Tanya, who’s with Ivy. You need help?” Jason asks, leaning against the table beside Peter.

“I’m good.” Peter tilts his head to take in Jason’s costume in it’s bright blue ‘glory’. “Nice onesie.”

Jason’s grin is blinding. “Thanks. Nadia won’t ever tell anyone, but she has a matching one.”

“Really!?”

“Yeah! I’ve got the Cookie Monster one, and she has an Elmo one hidden in her closet.” Jason seems excited about exposing his sister.

“I’ll be sure to bring that up with her… when you’re not around for her to yell at you.”

“Much appreciated. You sure you don’t need a hand? I did say I’d help you, in return for you doing the music”

“It’s all good, Jason. So, how’s Matt reacting to all this?” Peter internally sighs in relief when Jason begins explaining Matt’s frustrations, happy to not have to think for a few moments.

“...and he doesn’t even know that Rory’s bringing pot brownies yet.” Jason laughs with a shake of his head. 

“Well, that’ll make tonight interesting.”

Peter feels Jason staring at him as he continues to fiddle with the table, staring specifically at the bowl of Reese’s. 

_ Damn Blue, always on my mind. _

“Peter?”

“Yeah?”

“You okay? You seem… off.”

“Uh, yeah, just tired. Haven’t been sleeping well, not everyone can slide through all their classes while still appearing perfect, dude.” Peter attempts to joke, but he can see from Jason’s face that it doesn’t land right, so he turns to the rest of the room. “Anyone need any help?”

“Got cups?”

“A plate?”

“I wrote a song for us to sing!”

Peter rolls his eyes as the rest of the boys busy themselves with Lucas and Alan’s yells, instead walking over to Nadia. “You wrote a song?”

“Wanna hear it?” Peter doesn’t like the mischievous look in her eyes, but before he can say anything, she has Rory and Kyra singing with her, some tune about Ivy being the ‘Birthday Bitch’.

Despite everything - his lack of sleep, increasing feelings for Blue, the constant awareness of Matt knowing he’s gay - he laughs at Nadia’s song, leaning against her shoulder. “That’s really pretty, Nadia.”

“She’ll love that!” Zack calls, right before emptying his stomach onto the floor.

“Towels, stat!”

Lucas, with a laugh, leans on the wall beside Peter and Nadia, looking at the mess they had already made of Ivy’s room, compared to what Matt had prepared to be an intimate get-together. “She’s gonna die.”

Nadia narrows her eyes. “If we should be so lucky.”

“Hey, be nice,” Peter repeats for what feels like the hundredth time, elbowing Nadia’s arm.

“Why?!” Nadia echoes her response to the same question from weeks ago.

“So, Peter, what are you supposed to be?” Lucas gestures to Peter’s costume.

“Oh!” Peter jumps off Nadia, brushing off his shirt and pulling a crushed flower out of his pocket. “Orpheus, from Hadestown?”

Peter thought about dressing like Peter Pan, but the fear that Blue would somehow see him and know who he was when he wasn’t ready was plenty to make him think otherwise.

Lucas laughs. “Of course you did a musical. Nadia, what’s yours?”

Nadia’s face is deadpan. “Kim Kardashian.”

Lucas’ grin doesn’t fade. “Beautiful.”

That makes Nadia smile slightly. “Veronica, from Heathers.” True to her word, she has the blue blazer, checkered skirt, and even a croquet mallet leaning against the wall.

“Gotta love being friends with the theatre kids.” Lucas jokes.

“Says you, Lucas.” Peter gestures to Lucas’ Sweeny Todd costume, earning him an amused shrug as he walks away.

“Wait, where’d you get the croquet mallet?” Peter asks Nadia.

Nadia grins wickedly. “Stole it from my parents before we left, since I knew what I was planning.”

“...We hadn’t made any Halloween plans yet?”

“Just in case.”

“Oh, of course.”

The two lean against the wall beside each other and begin trying to decipher all of their friends’ costumes: Deciding Lucas’ Sweeny Todd is presumably accompanied by Tanya as Mrs. Lovett, or at least as close as they could get without spending more than $10. Diane seems to be a mouse, with Rory beside her as a cat, and Alan hovering around them both with a Sims plumbob on his head. Kyra seems to be a slutty Alice, with Zack looking vaguely like a White Rabbit, which makes Nadia laugh beside Peter. 

Nadia pauses, squinting at Matt. “Is Matt…?”

“Yep. He put in vampire fangs and a bit of red paint on his face.” Peter nods.

“Great effort.”

Matt seems to sense that the two are speaking about him, as he makes his way over. “Peter? Can I have a word?”

Peter tries to send a look to Nadia to make her stay, but she slides away and joins the rest of the group across the room.

“What is it, Matt?”

“I just don’t think you’re helping me out here as much as you could. Are you not on board with this?”

Peter wants to hit him. “No, I’m not ‘on board’ with you blackmailing me!” He hisses, eyes scanning for anyone paying attention to the two of them.

Matt almost looks shocked. “This isn’t blackmailing, Peter. This is just me, your friend, asking for help with the girl I like.”

Yeah, right. “Look, Matt, I’m going to help you, okay?”

Matt looks disbelieving.

“I  _ am _ . But you have to let me handle it. For now, just keep doing what you’re currently doing, you seem to be close with her.” Peter watches Matt’s face carefully, some of the tension in his shoulders escaping when Matt sighs and smiles.

“Okay, got it. Thanks.” Matt claps Peter’s shoulder as he walks past, and Peter has to actually grab his own wrist to stop him from doing something he regrets.

Diane squeaks from her position in the doorway, spinning quickly. “They’re here! Everyone hide!”

That sends a burst of energy through the room, Nadia handing everyone a lyric sheet, everyone scurrying to turn off lights, disguise presents and food, and hide around the room. Peter finds himself hiding beside a giggling Rory and a buzzed Lucas below the edge of the bed, waiting in the dark for Tanya and Ivy to open the door.

The creak of the door is enough of a warning, and everyone jumps up and begins singing Nadia’s song, startling Ivy practically into Tanya’s arms. Peter’s eyes widen as he reads the words everyone is singing offkey together, but keeps going as he sees Ivy laughing and clapping along. They all finish, and Ivy practically collapses into Matt’s arms with laughter as he goes up to wish her a happy birthday.

“Who did this?”

Jason grins. “It was Matt’s idea -”

“--Some of it!”

“- and Nadia wrote the song, but everyone pitched in. Happy birthday, Ivy.” 

“Thank you, Jason!” She throws herself into his arms, and Peter almost laughs as his eyes go wide and he gently passes her off to Kyra. 

“She’s loaded… what happened?” Matt asks Tanya, who very clearly holds back an eye-roll. 

“You told me to keep her busy. I did.” She shrugs, moving past him swiftly, sending a grin and a wink at Peter.

* * *

Hours later, everyone is starting to fall off the party high, some leaving early, some falling asleep straight on Ivy’s bed or even the floor, as Peter tiredly watches Ivy untangle her hair from her Wednesday Addams braids.

Peter really just wants her to pass out to save him from having to witness this.

“You any good with a stick?” Ivy’s trying to convince Jason to swing at the piñata with her, and Peter tries not to choke on his drink.

_ I wish I could tell Blue about this. _

Seeing everyone around him grouping up can’t help but make Peter think back on Blue, and the last email he had sent to him that morning, which he was yet to respond to.

“Ivy, come dance with me.” Matt walks up to Ivy, and Peter stands up suddenly, catching Jason’s attention.

“I’m, uh, gonna go. Happy birthday, Ives.”

He doesn’t wait for a response as he leaves, seeing Nadia’s light off from under her door and deciding to just head back to his room. He can feel something buzzing under his skin - anxiety, the pot brownies or alcohol, who knows - and he finds himself standing in the gardens between both dorms, looking up at the sky.

_ Why do I feel so uneasy? _

He thinks of Ivy talking to Jason, and Matt’s glares, and Jason’s easy smiles.

_ Fuck. Jason and Ivy like each other.  _

He remembers Jason’s concern when Peter was standing at the table.

_ He wanted the night to be good for Ivy. _

Jason and Ivy smiling at each other as they danced and stood beneath the piñata.

_ I have to stop my friends from being happy to save myself. _

_ Shit. _


	4. almost. never perfect. always almost.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt’s pressure on Peter grows, leading him to spending more time with Matt and Ivy. Blue disappears momentarily, and Peter’s torn between worrying for him, and the currently oddly quiet McConnell twins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter thirteen of svthsa

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 1st at 6:10 PM

SUBJECT: People are Complicated

I hope you enjoyed your Halloween, Blue, and that you’re not currently recovering from a hangover from enjoying yourself too much.

I know I usually wait for you to respond before sending you an email, but I kind of just needed to think out loud to someone, and I find it so easy to talk to you without worrying what you’ll think of me. 

It’s just been a weird few days. I guess I realized that sometimes people’s happiness comes at the expense of someone else’s, and especially in relationships (in high school, no less), there’s never anyone truly happy because we all have too many feelings and they get hurt too easily.

I wish I could talk about this more. I still kind of wish I knew you and didn’t have to feel this scared, but last night was kind of a non-direct rude awakening again for me as to why anonymity works so well for us. I wish you didn’t have to feel scared at all. I wish the world was a nicer place.

I wish a lot of things, apparently.

I really hope you’re doing okay, and that you respond soon. It’s only been two days, but I miss you.

\- Pan

* * *

Peter can tell that something is off the minute he joins his group Monday lunch, choosing to forgo his usual spot to slide beside Ivy on the edge, ignoring the guilt gnawing at his insides as he’s reminded of her party.

“What’s happened now?” He asks quietly, scanning Matt’s glaring at his notebook, Jason and Nadia’s absence, Tanya and Lucas oddly quiet, and Ivy’s own tense shoulders.

“Dunno,” Ivy responds curtly. Peter manages to hold her eyes for five seconds before her shoulders drop and she throws her head back with a groan. “Stop looking at me like that!”

“I didn’t say anything,” Peter responds simply, stealing a chip from in front of her while she isn’t looking.

“You didn’t have to, and I saw that.” Well, so much for being sneaky. Peter steals another chip. “We’re supposed to be off-book for the play soon, and I’m stressing over it! I was meant to learn a monologue last night, but-” She cuts herself off with a sudden blush, and dread grows in Peter’s stomach as she looks down.

“Did something happen?” He asks when it becomes clear she isn’t going to finish her sentence.

“Just got distracted talking to someone.” Peter sees Matt tense from across from them, and the dread multiplies.

Peter takes a breath and turns to face Ivy more. “Well, why don’t you try going through it now? Matt and I can help.” The mention of the other boy’s name catches his attention, and his caught-in-headlights facial expression is almost funny, until he smiles in a way Peter suspects is supposed to look sweet.

“I’d love to help.” 

Ivy smiles, grateful, and begins rambling about the context for the scene, before beginning an impassioned monologue Peter recognizes as a part of a scene with Nadia.

He catches a punchable look Matt sends him, and hopes that this is the extent of meddling Matt will settle for in his twisted demand for Peter’s ‘help’.

* * *

  
  
Of course it wasn’t.

Stood around the corner of the auditorium in the minutes before rehearsal begins, Peter is listening to Matt threaten him. Again.

“Look, Peter, Saturday night didn’t exactly go as planned, and I think there could be more between us than just some rehearsal at lunch.” Matt is saying, and Peter is actively reminding himself to not smack and kill Tybalt before the play even opens.

Is he really giving into his?

“I don’t want to do anything to you Peter, but we both know you’re not trying.”

His mother’s saddened face, his friends leaving him behind, the silence from those he loves, losing Blue, all from the revelation of his one secret.

Fuck.

“Look, Matt, I’m going to help you, okay? But I can’t do it all at once, or Ivy might notice. Let me pace it out, dude.” The dread and guilt won’t stop burning in his stomach, burning up when Matt grins and claps his shoulder.

“Knew you’d help. Got it, Pete.”

“Don’t call me Pete.” Peter knocks Matt’s outstretched hand aside, moving past into the auditorium just as Sister Chantelle stands to begin instructing.

“I want everyone on that stage rehearsing the opening scene. If you aren’t in it, find something else to rehearse, or help. I want to see as little scripts as possible from all of you.” She says with a wave of her arm, before moving aside to talk to Rory holding a clipboard.

“Peter! Be Romeo!” Lucas yells with a grin from his position on the stage, perched on the edge, ready to be toppled at any moment, which lasts only a second longer before Zack tries to knock him off the edge. 

Scanning the stage, Peter frowns at the absence of one person in particular. “Where’s Jason?”

Lucas shrugs from where he and Zack are now trying to throw each other off the stage. “Dunno, man. Wasn’t in class, maybe he’s sick.”

Zack laughs loudly. “Yeah, he is, after Saturday!”

“Let’s do the scene,” Matt speaks from behind Peter, and moves into place without noticing the mocking faces from some of the less dramatically impassioned males.

Almost halfway through the two-hour rehearsal, both McConnell siblings walk into the auditorium, talking to each other with oddly serious expressions, avoiding the wrath of Sister Chantelle as Jason makes his way towards the stage.

“Sorry I’m late.” He says quickly, dropping his bag and looking over Lucas’ shoulder to find his mark in his script.

“You good, bro?” Lucas asks.

Jason grins easily. “Course.”

Peter makes a mental note to talk to Nadia after.

* * *

“Thank you for lunch, Peter, it did actually help,” Ivy says as a few remaining students pack away the auditorium, shifting chairs and the few already constructed set pieces back away and out of harm.

“No problem, glad it was useful,” Peter remembers his conversation with Matt, and can feel the other boy watching them from across the room, and curses silently in his head.

“Actually, Ives, why don’t we make it a thing? You, Matt, and I, that is. I mostly know my lines, so I can help you two learn lines outside of rehearsal?”

Ivy beams at him. “You’d do that? Oh my God, thank you, Peter, seriously, you have no idea how much I’ve been stressing about it!” She turns and smiles at an approaching Matt as well, “I’ll text you both, we can find a scene we all need to know… I might need to learn the dances better, too.” She mutters the last part under her breath, but Peter notices Matt hear and perk up at the words regardless. With another smile, she disappears out the doors, following a loudly chatting Tanya and Diana.

“Thanks, Peter. Looking forward to it.” Matt claps Peter’s shoulder once as he passes, and Peter bites his tongue and simply nods, trying to suppress his guilt growing inside.

He’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t notice Nadia storm out until she’s gone, and he’s the last one left.

* * *

  
  


Peter frowns at the sight of no new emails that night when he goes to sleep again, but stops himself from sending another.

Sometimes it’s better to wait.

Sometimes Peter hates thinking rationally when he just wants to talk to a cute guy.

_ Can someone you’ve never seen still be cute? _

* * *

CHAT:  _ tanya is STILL a mariokart goddess _

Ivy: hey all, I ran into Sister Chantelle earlier this morning and she wants to extend this afternoon’s rehearsal to do the pilgrim’s hand scene!

Lucas: oh????????

Peter: This won’t go well

Matt: How much longer is rehearsal?

Ivy: idk maybe an hour or so?

Tanya: shiiiiiiit

Ivy: you signed up, don’t complain now

Lucas: tan does this every year

Ivy: oh I know

Tanya: will she notice if i’m a lil bit high to get through it

Peter: Zack, last year, tech rehearsal.

Tanya: fuck u right

Ivy: anyway have fun in class see you all at lunch xx

Peter: Ugh

Lucas: naptime

Tanya: ew class

Ivy: shut up and do some work before matt gives us all a disappointed look

Lucas: ohno not the Dad look

Matt: I… don’t do that.

Ivy: yeah you do xx

Tanya: is matt the dad friend lol

Ivy: he so is!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucas: MATT GOT CAUGHT ON HIS PHONE LMAAOOOOO DAD BYE BEFORE IM NEXT

* * *

  
  


Jason and Nadia are already sitting at lunch when Peter arrives, again talking to each other quietly, neither looking particularly happy. Jason goes quiet as Peter approaches, Nadia huffing and nodding to acknowledge his presence. 

“Is everything okay?” 

Jason sighs, shrugging as Nadia drops her head on the table. Hard. “Parents.”

Peter tilts his head to the side. “Didn’t they send a letter only a couple of weeks ago?

“Yeah.” Nadia groans without lifting her head.

“They called us yesterday. Told us they aren’t coming in to see the play.” Jason says quietly, eyeing Nadia.

“Cause they don’t give a shit. Mom’s booked a trip, Dad’s holding meetings on the other side of the country. But Jason’s making them proud-”

“Nadia.”

“What? You’re doing what they want, Jason. Be happy.”

“Stop it, Nadia.” Jason’s voice sounds tired, and Peter tries not to stare at either of them.

Nadia’s quiet for a moment, before she stands up quickly, grabbing her bag to go. “Fine. I’ll stop.”

“Nadia, wait-”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“I don’t care.” Nadia huffs, walking away quickly past an approaching Ivy, Tanya, Lucas, and Matt.

Lucas frowns. “Nadia? You... good?” He trails off as she moves past without a second look, raising an eyebrow. “Guess not.”

Ivy scoffs. “When is she not moody?”

Peter frowns, turning to look at Jason as the other boy smiles at the others sitting down. “Everything’s fine.”

“If you say so.” Ivy shrugs, striking up a conversation about some anecdote from class. Peter looks across the group, trying to catch Jason’s eye, but instead finds him writing in the play script. Peter opens his mouth to say something but closes it as he realizes that he has no idea what to say to the other boy.

_ Blue would know how to word things like this. _

“Matt, did you really get caught using your phone in class?” Ivy smiles at the mentioned boy, leaning on his arm slightly.

Matt’s eyes widen as he stutters over a response to a now laughing Ivy, but a nudge from Tanya beside Peter points out her and Lucas’ matching eye-rolls at the sight.

“Exhausting, right? They need to hook up and stop dragging it out in front of us all.” Tanya whispers, all smiles, as the steadily familiar dread and guilt builds itself back up in Peter’s stomach.

“Wouldn’t that make Ivy the group mom?” Lucas chirps as he leans over to join the conversation, “That’s weird.”

“What’s weird?” Ivy seems to have no idea what was said, so Lucas keeps his grin as he leans back.

“If Matt’s our responsible dad, who’s everyone else?”

“You’re the wacky uncle.” Ivy points at Lucas immediately.

“W-What!?”

“Oh!” Tanya jumps up, “I’m the drunk aunt!”

“That fits.” Jason smiles slightly over his script, and Peter’s heart lightens a little bit at the sight of it.

What, can’t he be happy that one of his friends is looking happier?

“Hm, well, if you ignore relationships...Peter’s the mom.” Matt says suddenly, and the words freeze Peter in his seat. He recognizes Tanya and Ivy laughing, but all he can focus on is the look on Matt’s face as he watches him.

That was a threat. 

Peter holds back a scoff. 

_ He’s really dropping to the level of threatening him in front of others now, huh? _

“Nah, Peter’s the disappointed cousin who’d like to not be related to us.” Lucas laughs, snapping Peter back to the present, a fake grin plastered on his face and agreement on the tip of his tongue.

He doesn’t notice Jason’s eyes flicking up to him in poorly concealed concern.

* * *

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 3rd at 7:45 PM

SUBJECT: People are Complicated and Shitty

Pan,

Sorry for the disappearance. School stuff got a bit overwhelming, college and assignments kind of started kicking my ass. Family pressure, too. Trying to be the perfect son for them feels harder and harder when I’m living a double life and finally getting to be myself for the first time... ever. Shitty family-induced religious guilt is a bitch.

I’m sorry about your realizations, Pan, it seems your past few days might have been about as great as mine (that is to say, not very). I hope you’re able to work it out without too many sleepless nights.

Your ideal dream is really sweet, Pan, and it’s a dream for a reason, you don’t have to hold back. I wish the world was a nicer place for us too. But I’d rather feel safe in the closet than unsure in this world we know. It’s too much.

These emails are my safe spaces, with you. That’s all I need.

\- Blue

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 4th at 12:11 AM

SUBJECT: Re: People are Complicated and Shitty

First of all, yes the subject fits very well. People ARE complicated and shitty.

I’m glad you’re okay, or at least alright enough to respond to me and do responsible stuff (I haven’t started that English essay. It’s due tomorrow morning, I know). Can I say sorry again for your shitty family? Whether or not you meet their expectations for a ‘perfect’ Catholic son, you’re a good person, Blue, better than. I’m grateful for you.

I didn’t mean for what I said to make you feel like you had to come out, I’m sorry. I guess it was just a long weekend, my brain-to-typing filter might have died. You don’t have to come out to anyone, Blue, not until you want to, and know you’ll be safe. I’m sure you’ve heard the horror stories of students and family members in the church who’ve come out. I don’t want you to become a warning story.

It’s lonely, but having you helps. You’re my safe space too.

\- Pan

* * *

“Patience perforce with willful choler meeting makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting.” A few days later, Peter and Ivy are listening to Matt reading his lines, a voice in Peter’s mind reminding him why Matt was considered the ‘perfect Romeo’ until Jason auditioned. “I will withdraw, but this intrusion shall now seeming sweet, convert to bitterest gall.”

Peter is lounging across the floor of the auditorium, Matt hanging his legs across the edge of the stage with his script balanced on his knees, with Ivy sleepily leaning against him, reading along with him as she holds a travel mug of (presumably) coffee. It’s early on a Saturday morning, the sunlight filtering through and lighting up the room as the cold of winter begins to set in, giving an odd softness to the day.

“I don’t believe you needed help with your lines.” Ivy teases Matt, elbowing him gently with her free arm.

“It helps to have you here, it helps me remember them.” Matt stammers, and Peter internally cringes.

“Well, you’re gonna be noticed on stage when no one else knows their shit.” Ivy smiles, before turning to Peter. “Is it okay if we do the pilgrim’s hands scene again, Peter?”

“I can do Romeo’s parts!” Matt says quickly, then seems to notice how un-chill he sounded. “Cause Peter has to learn all of Mercutio’s parts, still, but I know the dance?”

If Ivy is taken aback by Matt’s words, she doesn’t show it. “Okay, Tybalt, let’s do it.” Matt slides off the edge and offers a hand to Ivy with a smile, and Peter pushes himself off the floor to give them room. 

Watching the two of them dance, Peter can almost forget Matt’s blackmail. Matt when he’s being himself is oddly charming and sweet, forgoing the choreography for spinning Ivy around while reciting Romeo’s lines.

“Good pilg-  _ Matt, stop it! _ Good pilgrim, you do wrong- me! Stop it, I’m gonna fall!” Ivy laughs, clutching onto Matt’s shoulders as her hair and skirt flare out with another spin.

“What, is this not the choreography?” Matt grins, making eye contact with Peter and smiling wide at him as well.

It’s easy for Matt to remind Peter why their entire group worked so well, and why the two had been genuine friends for years prior.

Apparently it was just hard for Matt to  _ be _ that friend.

Great.

* * *

Later that day, Peter is following a frowning Nadia down the hallways, weaving around the small number of students not taking advantage of the free day.

“Nadia McConnell, I will chase you down if I have to, stop walking away from me.” 

Nadia stops with a huff outside the library, turning slowly and glaring at Peter as he reaches her. “What.”

Peter pauses, taking a second to take in the frown she’s had on her face all week. “You’re still avoiding me.”

“You can be best friends with Ivy and Matt in your little rehearsals, I’m fine.” Nadia huffs, going to turn around before Peter grabs her arm.

“Nadia, please. Talk to me.” Peter pouts at her, and it only takes five seconds before she sighs and lets Peter drag her to the far corner of the library.

“Okay. What happened that got you so pissed?” Peter mirrors Nadia, leaning against the bookshelves with his arms crossed. Nadia’s face stays closed off for a second until she sighs and looks down at her chipping nail polish, speaking quietly.

“I’m fine. You can enjoy hanging out with Matt and Ivy, don’t worry.”

“I am worrying, Nadia. I wanted you to be there too, but I didn’t want to piss you off more. You’ve been off since your parents…”

“Don’t remind me.”

Peter’s reminded of his words to Blue. “You know that you’re better than them, right?” Nadia looks up, almost surprised, so he continues with a soft smile. “It’s shit, that they don’t seem to care, but I know you know you’re better than whatever they say or think.”

Nadia looks away again, but Peter notices the slightest pink flushing on her cheeks. “Whatever, sure.”

“Love you too.” Peter bumps her shoulder with his, and is rewarded by the similarly soft smile appearing on her face. They stand there in silence for a minute, until Nadia speaks.

“You can ask me about it. I can feel you waiting.”

“What’d they say?”

Nadia sighed, finding her nail polish very interesting again. “Praised Jason for his success, criticized us both for being in the play, said they were too busy to come to ‘a school play of all things’. Ignored me. Not unusual or unexpected, just… tiring. I shouldn’t care.”

“You can care, even though they suck.”

Nadia huffs out a short laugh and hesitantly leans her head on Peter’s shoulder. “Sorry for getting mad.”

“It’s okay, I’m not upset. And just because I’m rehearsing with Ivy doesn’t mean I like her more than you. I like you both a lot.” Peter leans his head on top of hers, relishing in the rare casual affection from her. “You know, if you wanted, you could-”

“I’m not joining your extra rehearsals.”

“Fine, save yourself.”


	5. at least they don't know i'm me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stress of everything starts to build up in Peter, which isn’t helped by new tensions in his friendship group. Blue opens up the slightest bit, and Pan makes an offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter four of loto

“Everyone, time for Act 1 Scene 4.” At the groan of the chorus, Sister Chantelle’s face somehow grows more annoyed. “Did I stutter? Places, now.”

“Hell yeah, Pete’s monologue!” Lucas calls, relishing in the glare Peter sends him, but moving quickly at the look from Sister Chantelle less than a second later.

“How much of this was cut again?” Jason asks, suddenly beside Peter at the edge of the stage.

Peter jumps, frowning at Jason’s amused expression, but offering his own annotated script with one hand. “Here, it’s all noted down.”

Jason pauses. “You don’t need it?”

“Uh, no?” Peter shrugs. “I know my lines.”

Jason scoffs with a smile, and takes the script. “And you say you’re not smart.”

It’s easy to smile in response, “Just don’t ask me to write an essay,” and slightly harder to ignore the way his heartbeat picks up.

_ Stop that. _

Rehearsal is easy for Peter, in theory. Learning lines is easy, in comparison to trying to predict the behaviors of the students on the stage with him. Memorizing the beats of a Shakespearean line -  _ ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum  _ \- is a pattern, but trying to figure out what Matt is thinking as he watches him from across the stage is impossible. Practicing the patterns of steps can be done, but ignoring the response to Jason’s proximity and smiles is growing harder and harder, and only hurts more when he thinks of Ivy and the way she and Jason had been...

That brings back the guilt.

Jason speaking his lines finally brings him out of his head, and Peter slides into the confidence of Mercutio with a smile, walking alongside Lucas and Jason. “Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.“

“If love be rough with you, be rough with love.” Peter speaks to the almost empty auditorium, feeling his feet move with the blocking, even if his brain is overthinking a step behind. “Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.” The lines feel different, coming from his mouth now with the tightness of his chest. “Give me a case to put my visage in! A visor for a visor. What care I what curious eye doth cote deformities?” A mask is pressed into his hand. “Here are the beetle brows shall blush for me.”

Love will hurt. Hurt it back. Hide your face. Put on a mask. Let it lie for you.

_ Hide yourself until you know your truth won’t hurt more than the lies. _

Sometimes the lines made more sense than anything else in Peter’s day.

Rehearsal runs its course, no less dramatic than expected, and the seniors are all leaving in a group as Sister Chantelle tries to corral a group of sophomores.

“Here, Peter.” Jason is beside him again, holding out Peter’s script with a smile, “Even if you know all your lines.”

“Not all of them.” Jason raises an eyebrow. “Not quite.”

“Either way, thanks.” Peter busies himself by sliding the script back into his bag, hearing Ivy sliding up on the other side of Jason.

“Romeo! You coming?” Ivy’s voice is loud and cheerful, and her smile is bright as she leans against Jason.

Peter doesn’t look, but he imagines Jason smiling at her in response. “Of course.” 

“Peter, hurry up!” Ivy calls at him, holding out the arm that isn’t looped in Jason’s to him.

“I’ll…” he pauses, checking his bag, before standing to face her. “I’ll meet you guys later, I just left my jacket backstage.”

Ivy pouts for a second, before beginning a conversation and leading Jason out, the rest of the students following not long after.

Peter finds his jacket sitting under a pile of masks backstage, and he takes the spare second to admire the metallic blue stitches across the top of his mask, smiling at the color and the faceless boy that shared its name.

“Peter? Everything okay?” Peter jumps yet again at a sudden voice behind him, and finds Sister Chantelle with an eyebrow raised and her hands on her hips, but a lack of her usual frustration.

“Yes Sister, just left my jacket back here.” He holds it up awkwardly with one hand, and she lets out a sigh.

“Alright.” She stops, and Peter freezes under her gaze. “Is everything else okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?” 

_ Yeah, cause that doesn’t sound suspicious. _

Sister Chantelle raises her eyebrow again. “You were good today, Peter. You just seem… jumpy, now. You sure all’s good?”

“Yeah. Senior stress, but everything’s fine.” 

“Okay. Let me know if you need help, you got it?”

Peter smiles, but her words fall empty against the fears inside and outside of his head. “Thank you, Sister.”

He feels like he knows better than to trust the first smiling face and outstretched hand.

_ Speaking of, Mom is probably expecting a call soon. _

* * *

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 17th at 7:01 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Thinking of You

Pan,

It’s been a weird week or so for me. Reminders of high school finally coming to an end have my parents asking me questions about my future that I don’t have the answers to. And it was a bit of a tiring day, as well.

It’s not even Christmas break yet, and I’m exhausted.

Thinking of you is much better than thinking of what my family expects of me. Or thinking of who I’d be if I gave into what they expect, rather than everything I am and want. 

To put it simply, my father thinks that because I’m almost graduating and ‘becoming an adult’ (debatable), I need to start looking for a wife. I’m really struggling to play it off like I ‘haven’t found the right one yet’ when the only person on my mind is you. 

I can’t come out to him, ever, but something about having you in my mind reminds me why I need to keep my cool and head down until college comes and it’s a new world of real freedom. Supposedly. I guess I’m saying thanks, for being on my mind, even if you also distract me constantly.

I wanted to ask something else, that’s been on my mind for a while since one of your emails months ago where you mentioned it. Do you believe that God really made us like this, despite everything that people say otherwise?

\- Blue

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 17th at 8:58 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Thinking of You

First of all Blue, sorry for your weird week. I wish I could say something to make you smile. Oh, here’s something: google shampooed cows. Scroll through the images. I hope it makes you smile. You’re welcome.

Re: girlfriend. I can relate, in a way. Thankfully, I’m not being pressured to find a girlfriend (yet), but college seems to be a favorite topic of conversation every time I call home. This is an odd question, but have you ever had a girlfriend? I did, for about a week in 7th grade, before she decided she liked someone more. Funny thing is, I still talk to her, and neither of us ever bring it up, so I’d be convinced I made it up if our initials weren’t carved in one of the old pews from before the church was renovated. 

I’m glad I still distract you, because you should know full well I can never think straight (ha), especially about you.

But that last question… quite a turn of topic, Blue. But to answer it, yes. I have to believe that we were brought into this world as we are purposefully, He created us in His image and likeness, and we didn’t choose to be who we are. I believe the Church is wrong to us, and to others like us. I just wish the world was kinder about it.

\- Pan

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 18th at 5:54 AM

SUBJECT: Moral Questionings

Pan,

Shampooed cows. Where on earth did you hear about those, and where can I get one to live in my room? It did cheer me up, Pan, almost as much as seeing an email from you, so thank you.

It’s really odd for me to think of you with a girlfriend. Maybe because I see you as being more comfortable with being gay? Despite not being out, obviously. I’ve never had a girlfriend, actually, but I’ve gone on a single date or two in freshman year… they never were more than a first date because I thought it ‘just wasn’t the right girl’. Turns out, it wasn’t the right gender. I’ve got a bit of an issue now with girls and the expectation for guys to ‘take’ any girl that gives them attention, which disgusts me a lot. Why are men like this? (what’s that term you’ve used? Heteronormative binary gender stereotypes? That sounds right, and nerdy enough for you.)

Another thing I’ve been weirdly thinking about recently is the roles we fit in the school. I mean, St. Cecilia’s isn’t a massive school, so there isn’t much hiding in the background as much as there is fitting into certain groups and hiding from other groups. It’s almost embarrassing how I have to try not to think of you and where you fit. It’d be unfair for me to try and think of who you are behind these words when I give you so little in response about who I am.

I don’t want to lose what we have. It might be the most honest thing in my life right now.

Thank you for your answer. I don’t know what I believe, but I want to think that what you believe is true, that God loves us regardless.

\- Blue

* * *

Peter thought that setting up rehearsals between Matt and Ivy would be enough to get Matt off his back, but he proves to be wrong when Matt is waiting for him by his locker one morning.

“Matt.” Peter’s tired, and his voice doesn’t hide it, as he opens his locker and feels Matt leaning closer and frowning. “What can I do for you on this lovely Monday?”

“Don’t bullshit with me, Peter.”

So this is going to be a fun conversation.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Did something happen?”

“It’s Ivy. Does she like Jason?” That stuns Peter into silence, making him pause as he pulls a textbook. Matt takes his silence as an affirmation. “She does, doesn’t she? Fucking hell.”

Peter turns to him, whispering. “Look, I don’t know. You know as much as I do about that, really.”

“I don’t believe you. Isn’t that what gay guys are for? Girls telling secrets? The whole… gay best friend thing?” Matt’s voice is ugly in its accusation and poorly disguised homophobia, and Peter holds himself back from hitting him by clenching his fist tight.

“Look, she seems to enjoy your company in our rehearsals, okay? Just keep being yourself, that seems to be working for you.” The words are bitter coming out of his mouth. 

The change in Matt’s expression is instantaneous. “You really think so?”

A forced smile. “Yeah. Just keep being… nice. Build up to a grand gesture, maybe.”

“Grand gesture?”

“Sure.”

“You mean like… a promposal thing? We don’t have-”

“Something  _ like _ that. You’re smart, think of something.”

“Okay, well, I think cause we’re in the play-”

“I gotta get to class.” Peter walks past before Matt can respond, anxiety already building at the schemes Matt could possibly be planning.

He liked it a lot better when he was safely closeted and could pretend to ignore Matt’s feelings.

“Peter!” Speaking of the devil, Ivy jumps at him as he walks past, dragging him to stand with her and Jason, who smiles at him.

He really didn’t want to be third-wheeling this early into the week. “Hey… what’s up?”

Ivy frowns mockingly. “Can’t I just want to talk to my best friend?”

“Class starts in five minutes, Ives, and you never ‘just want to talk’ before English.” Peter can see Jason’s amused smile at the two out of the corner of his eye, even as Ivy groans loudly.

“Fine, you got me. I invited Jason to our rehearsal this afternoon, thought we could do more with him there as well.”

_ Fuck _ .

“Sure, the more the merrier,” Peter smiles at Jason, who almost seems… relieved? “As long as you actually want to rehearse, that is.”

Jason raises an eyebrow with a smirk. “You mean I shouldn’t invite Lucas?” All three laugh at that, and Peter mentally prepares for what will undoubtedly be a long day and a longer rehearsal.

* * *

Did Peter purposefully delay arriving at the auditorium until he knew the others would be there already, purely so he could avoid Matt’s reaction to Jason’s presence? Yes.

Did that stop Matt from acting like an asshole as soon as Peter entered? Not at all.

“Took your sweet fucking time, Peter.” Is the first thing he hears upon entering, and he holds back an eye-roll.

“Had to return a book. What scene are we doing?”

“Still deci-”

“What about the sword fight?” Matt says quickly, and Peter almost hits him with his script.

It wasn’t a subtle threat, to choose the scene where Mercutio is killed by Tybalt, while Matt glares obviously at Peter.

“Uh, are you sure we want to do it without Lucas? We could wait until rehearsal...” Jason starts, trailing off when Matt stands. “I thought we were just reading…” He murmurs to Ivy, who shrugs as she watches Matt with concerned interest.

“Why wait? We all know he’ll take his time learning the lines anyway, we can get a head start. Right, Peter?”

“Matt, Ivy isn’t in this scene, why don’t we do-” Peter tries.

“Oh, I don’t mind.” 

“See, Peter? Now come on.” Matt’s eyes are angry, and Peter swallows.

But Jason speaks up. “Matt, let’s hold off until we know what lines Sister Chantelle will cut.”

“Probably most of Lucas’ lines.” Ivy teases.

“He’ll learn some of them,” Jason waves a hand with a laugh,”Let’s do something we’ve done, yeah?” Jason turns from Matt to Peter with a smile, and Peter feels his shoulders drop as he smiles back, even as Matt fumes.

“Sure. Whatever you say, Jason.” Peter can hear the anger in the words said through clenched teeth, and is surprised when Jason and Ivy don’t react, simply sitting and flicking through pages.

They end up running through a few scenes they had covered already in rehearsal. Peter notices Matt starting to calm down and joke like usual, but tense up any time Jason and Ivy have scenes together.

He leaves the auditorium as fast as possible when they decide to finish up, ignoring Matt’s call after him as he tries not to visibly run out the doors, an excuse called over his shoulder.

Sometimes it’s easier to run now, and deal with straight people later.

* * *

CHAT:  _ Ivy Robinson _

Ivy: Peter, you okay? you kinda ran out of there today

Peter: Yeah, sorry. Just wasn’t feeling too great, didn’t mean to worry you

Ivy: If you’re sure…

Peter: I promise

Ivy: you’d tell me if something was up, wouldn’t you

Peter: Yeah. Same to you, right?

Ivy: course!!

Ivy: actually i probably should confess something

Peter: ...yeah?

Ivy: I kind of like a guy

Peter: Oh?

Peter: And by ‘like’...

Ivy: I’d usually talk to Tanya or something but they’re teasing me for it so here I am

Ivy: yes I mean like and not just want to hook up w maybe

Peter: Awh, Ivy!! I’m happy for you!!

Peter: I swear that was genuine, even though it sounded ridiculously sarcastic

Ivy: did you want to know who it is?

Peter: If you want to tell me who it is

Ivy: this is why we’re best friends

Ivy: it’s… Jason.

Peter: oh

Ivy: ?????? opinion!!!!

Peter: We’ve known him for years, what opinion do you want

Ivy: do you think we’d be good together??????

Peter: I have no idea, probably?

Peter: ...does Jason like you?

Ivy: uhh i’m like 99% sure!! it's hard to tell bc the girls i mostly see him interact w are Nadia and Tanya but he’s rlly sweet to me in a way i don’t see him with others!!

Ivy: plus, Romeo and Juliet, kinda made to be, and some of our private rehearsals…

Peter: Don’t want to know the specifics, Ives.

Peter: You’re sure it’s not just him playing the character?

Ivy: do you not think he likes me!???! :(((

Peter: Ivy I really don’t know, I just don’t want you to get hurt

Peter: Remember sophomore year with that asshole who transferred?

Ivy: okay fine i appreciate you looking out for me

Peter: I just want what’s best for you

Ivy: awwwwwhhh ty Pete

Peter: Nvm

Ivy: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter wants to break his phone on Matthew Lloyd’s head.

* * *

In his room, Peter sits with his phone to his ear, lying on his back on his bed with his laptop screen (on his inbox, of course) lighting up the slowly darkening room.

“Hi Mom.”

“Peter! I was wondering when you’d call, how are you?”

“Fine. Studying, rehearsals going on. How have you been?”

“Oh, all’s good here. It’s quiet without you, but I’m taking your Nana to dinner tonight.”

“How’d she react to the play?”

“She’s proud! We all are, but we can talk about that more when you’re home. How are your classes going?”

“Good. How’s everything else at home?”

“Oh, all boring as usual, Peter. Although, remember our old neighbor, Mrs. Kim and her daughter, Madeline?”

“Vaguely… why?”

“Her daughter’s your age, I’m just wondering if you two would still get along like you used to!”

“...We were five, Mom.”  _ And I’m gay. _

“It’s pure curiosity, Peter. You two can catch up when you’re home for Christmas break and don’t have to be spending all your time learning lines and studying.”

“I’ll still have to learn lines then, the play is in January.”

“So focused, Peter. I’m proud of you.”

“I try.” A knock on his door startles him, and he opens his mouth to speak again until a second knock follows. “Someone’s here, I’ve got to go, but we’ll talk soon.”

“Alright. Love you, Peter.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

Matthew Lloyd is waiting on the other side of the door, and Peter tries to close it on his face before Matt jams his toe in the way.

“I’m busy now, Matt, can you go?”

“What, busy laughing at me while Ivy and Jason have eye sex?” Peter winces at the phrasing and turns around to sit at his desk as Matt walks in, closing the open email very quickly before anything can be seen.

“I told you, Matt, I can’t control them. I’m trying to help you.”

“Bullshit.” Peter turns to him at the curse, and finds Matt already glaring at him.

_ That’s becoming familiar. _

“You could lie to Jason, tell him she’s got a boyfriend-

“He’d know, we’re all friends.”

“-or that she likes someone else-”

“You overestimate how well I know Jason.”

“-or tell him anything, so he doesn’t win at  _ everything _ , for once!”

“That’s not in my control!”

“I don’t give a shit, Peter! You’re helping me here, not them!”

Peter stands up then, turning and glaring straight back at Matt. “I’m not hurting my friends for you.”

“I’m your friend too!”

“You were!” Matt freezes at Peter’s words, and Peter hardens his glare. “You were, Matt. But a friend wouldn’t force me to ruin my friend’s happiness for your own selfish wants.” Matt leans back in shock, but Peter doesn’t feel the usual sympathy he would for his hurt expression. “I’m sorry Ivy doesn’t like you, but that’s not my fault.”

The change in Matt is instantaneous. “She doesn’t like me?”

Peter pauses. “I don’t know, Matt.” Neither boy speaks for a moment, and Peter tries to hold back any frustration when he speaks next. “Can you leave me alone, now?”

To Peter’s surprise, Matt does, walking out and into the hallway without a second look over his shoulder. When the door closes behind him, Peter lets out a sigh and falls down onto the mattress face first, his groan muffled by the pillows.

* * *

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 20th at 12:12 AM

SUBJECT: Might Regret This

Tell me about it!

There’s something uniquely torturous about some of the poets we study… I want to show the teacher even one Wikipedia page explaining why we shouldn’t be idolizing them based on whatever misogynistic belief they’ve hidden behind a metaphor, but I think you know how well that’d be taken by other students.

Okay. There’s been something on my mind all week which kind of got Amplified by some things recently, so I’m just going to say it, and apologize later, Blue.

I want to know who you are. I want to be able to talk to you, to smile at you, to… have you be someone more than words on my screen. I know you don’t want to come out, and I don’t either. I want to be able to meet you. I want to be able to tell you about my real life, to hear about yours, to know of your friends, and just feel more like there’s someone in the school with a face that knows who I am and cares.

I don’t want to do it until you’re ready. But I want you to know what I want.

\- Pan


	6. a little off my game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason tries to keep his head on straight (ha.) as an odd rehearsal and an unexpected question threaten to trip him up. Pan fails to stay off his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jason chapter! title is from chapter eighteen of svthsa  
> thank you to everyone who's left comments and kudos, it really is my daily serotonin fix and i love y'all!! also, this is officially the halfway point of tobp, only five chapter and one epilogue to go!!

Jason freezes when he reads the email on his computer screen, heartbeat increasing over the same few words.

_ ‘I want to know who you are.’ _

It’d be easier to turn the idea down if the thought hadn’t come up in his own head in the last week.

However, in his case, his father’s incredible positivity and love for his children had reminded him why exactly the closet was the best place for him to stay, at least for the foreseeable future.

Nadia has her anger and lashing out. Jason has easy smiles and confidence.

What a pair.

_ ‘I want to know who you are.’ _

Jason had suspected that he was gay since he first found out the meaning of the world at age 11, and he spent countless nights praying to feel normal, to fit in, to easily meet the impossible standards from his father. Nights spent alone, wishing to feel less alone and isolated, in skin that was his own but wasn’t what people wanted for him.

Jason’s the popular guy at St. Cecilia’s, somehow. Predicted valedictorian, sports star, lead in the play. Golden boy. 

Straight boy.

_ ‘I want to know who you are.’ _

Something about Pan constantly confounded Jason. Despite the rampant shittiness of the church, the casual homophobic reminders and assholes every day at school, and expected pressures looming over every single senior student… Pan managed to remain positive. Or, at least he seemed so, in every email he sent.

Jasson doesn’t necessarily struggle to place on the same face day after day (he tells himself), but he feels the parts of himself he usually holds back creeping into his words as he emails Pan.

Pan knew about the darker parts of himself, of his past, his secrets… everything he kept behind a smiling face and perfect grades, he’s spilled in emails to an anonymous boy.

He’d be lying to say he doesn’t want to know the person behind the name, but every thought of the boy behind the other computer comes with the fears creeping back into his mind, predicting exactly how the students would respond to that particular piece of information, and the exact hurt he’d receive from his family.

So Jason puts on a smile to everyone else, and tries not to lash out at the one true person in his life asking him to risk the safety he’s constructed for himself, while a small part of his brain longs for the chance at a little glimpse of happiness.

* * *

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 20th at 7:03 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Might Regret This

Don’t regret it. But I can’t, Pan. We can’t.

Maybe once we’re out of here. Maybe there’s a place for us elsewhere, Pan, but it’s not within this school, not now. There’s too much to lose, and reality is too give and take to risk anything.

I can’t risk losing you because of what people think. It’s risky enough just us emailing, someone would find out if we knew who we really were.

We’re the best kept secret, okay? Until times are better, and we’re away from all this.

I’m sorry.

\- Blue

“Jason?” A knock on his door startles him, and Jason closes his outbox quickly and slams his laptop closed, crossing the room in a few steps and opening the door to reveal Ivy, smiling with her hands bunched in her cardigan sleeves. “Good morning.”

“Ivy. What are you doing here?” Jason asks.

Ivy shrugs. “I was walking near, and thought I’d meet you and we can walk to class together, since we have it together.”

“You were just… walking, near the boys dorm?”

“Yep.”

“At… seven in the morning? On a Friday?”

“I knew you’d be up. You’re always up early, studying, or doing whatever you do.”

Huh. Jason shrugs and steps back to let her into his room, ignoring the small voice in his head (his mother’s, he thinks) chiding him for being improper, inviting a girl into his room. 

_ If only you knew. _

“Learning lines.” The lie falls easily from Jason’s mouth, so easily he almost forgets the email that had kept him up last night and nagged at his brain early this morning until he responded. 

Almost.

Ivy smiles wide and plants herself on his bed, facing him. “Of course you’re learning lines. Hasn’t rehearsal been enough?”

“What, between Matt trying to direct his own death scene on Monday, and the attempts at learning choreography the rest of the week?” 

“I don’t know what was up with him, honest. All our other rehearsals had been fine.” Ivy looked away for a second, frowning, before looking back at Jason with a small smile. “Despite the mess, I really enjoyed rehearsing with you on Monday.”

And okay, Jason isn't an idiot. He’s fairly certain Ivy is flirting with him, has been for at least a few weeks now, but it’d be riskier to turn her down than it would be to… lead her on.

He doesn’t feel great about it either. 

“Me too.”

He’s known Ivy for years, and their group of friends had cemented themselves just as the image of her as the ‘school slut’, as he’s heard her referred to, became popular. He’s watched as people make comments that she laughs off in the hallways, seen the graffiti that Nadia was so fond of bringing up as a weapon against Ivy, and heard the comments some of the other guys have made to him about playing the lead in the play, opposite her. He’s faked a laugh at those comments, willing to encourage them as long as they still saw him as straight.

He’s not a perfect person.

But Pan is somewhere in the school, praising him for the version of himself he shares through emails, and Jason knowing the sweet boy behind the other emails thought of him…  _ knew _ him as better… it worsened his guilt about how he sometimes acted in his real life.

So maybe he wants to try being a more honest person for someone who he doesn’t know the real name of. He’s not coming out any time soon, he’s not sure when he ever will, but he thinks he can try becoming the person Pan seems to like so much.

“Jason?” He startles, realizing he zoned out from what Ivy was saying.

“Sorry, what was that?”

Ivy watches him for a second before smiling again, standing up. “We should start walking to class.” Her smile is more friendly now, and comfortingly familiar.

He can do friendly.

* * *

“Places for the fight scene, while we have the props.” Sister Chantelle’s first direction at the beginning of rehearsal that afternoon comes just as Jason walks through the doors, interrupting the conversation he was having with Peter.

“Oh.” Peter says, and Jason assumes he’s thinking of the rehearsal with Matt. He doesn’t say anything.

Lucas grins at them when they reach the stage, offering both of them a sword, Matt already balancing one in his hands behind. “Peter, ready to die?”

Peter laughs, a semi-forced sound, and Jason watches him place his bag down before realizing he should be moving into position as well.

“Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a villain.” Matt begins just as Jason and Peter stand opposite him, gripping his sword.

“Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee doth much excuse the appertaining rage to such a greeting.” Jason knows the lines, feels them with a beat as he speaks them and follows the blocking with relative ease. “Villain I am none. Therefore, farewell. I see thou know’st me not.”

Matt’s eyes narrow, and Jason thinks quietly of how well Matt goes into character. “Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me. Therefore turn, and draw.” Matt raises his sword, and Jason watches carefully as it moves close in front of his face.

“I do protest, I never injured thee.”

“O calm dishonorable, vile submission” Peter walks up from behind Jason, raising his own sword, “Tybalt, you ratcatcher, will you walk?”

Lucas muffles a laugh at the insult, but quiets when Sister Chantelle glares at him.

Matt’s glare hardens. “I am for you.” They fight for a moment, the clang of metal echoing through the auditorium, before Jason moves.

“Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.” Jason stands between the two, facing Peter, pressing his hands to the other boy’s chest. He hears Matt moving behind, and a second later he feels rather than hears Matt’s sword sliding under his arm and against Peter’s side.

Peter winces, and Jason notices how the sword had caught in his side as it slid under his arm, before he’s distracted by Peter falling forwards towards him, on his knees. Remembering the choreography he had drilled the past week of rehearsal, Jason mirrors his movement, shifting his legs for Peter to fall onto his back with his head in Jason’s lap.

Jason bites back the feeling in his throat when Peter looks up at him, remembering that he’s supposed to be moving, pressing his hands to Peter’s side, feeling his warmth through his school shirt as the other boy speaks his lines. “A plague o' both your houses! I am sped.”

“What, art thou hurt?” Lucas’ stilted voice startles Jason, reminding him how many eyes are on them.

Peter laughs dryly, “Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch.” He places his hand over Jason’s. “Marry, ’tis enough.”

“Courage, man, the hurt cannot be that much.”

“Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm.” Jason‘s eyes meet Peter’s, and Jason vaguely notices the flush on the other boy’s cheeks, presumably from the simple effort of the choreography.

“I thought for all the best.” Jason manages to get out his line with a convincingly steady voice before Peter’s body goes limp. and Jason stands. He sees Lucas helping Peter out of the way out of the corner of his eye, as he turns to face Matt, whose glare hadn’t eased up in the minutes that Jason had turned away from.

“O Romeo, Romeo, brave Mercutio is dead! That gallant spirit hath aspired the clouds, which too untimely here did scorn the earth.” Lucas’ hand appears on his arm following his lines, the weight of the sword in Jason’s hand present.

“Alive in triumph- and Mercutio slain! Now, Tybalt, take the “villain” back again that late thou gavest me.”

“Thou, wretched boy, that didst consort him here shalt with him hence.“ Matt hisses, before stepping and swinging first with his raised sword, Jason bringing his own up to block. 

The next steps are a pattern to the beats of their sword hitting. Step forward, sword over his shoulder. Turn right, sword leading his shoulder around. Move left, push right, match Matt’s strength as their swords meet at the hilt. Jump back when Matt slashes across his chest- 

_ Wait, what? _

Jason’s eyes widen when Matt swings at him wildly, ducking down to avoid the hit before raising his sword and blocking it on the way back, staring incredulously at Matt, who seemed to be glaring even more. In a blink, Matt swings at him again, and then Peter is between them with his arms stretched out, Lucas is holding Matt’s sword arm back, and Sister Chantelle is yelling at Matt.

“Couldn’t keep it until opening night, huh?” Jason thinks he hears Lucas mutter as Matt pulls his arm away.

“Matt, with me. Everyone else, we’re done for today.” Sister Chantelle says, staring sternly at Matt until he begins walking out the doors, her following right behind.

The auditorium seems to clear in almost record time, everyone sending confused looks to each other and Jason, still standing with his sword in his hand on the stage. The only students remaining are Jason’s friend group, standing on the stage in silence.

Until Tanya speaks. “Okay, what the fuck was that about?”

“I have no idea.” Jason shrugs.

“Monday’ll be fun,” Lucas says with an eye-roll.

“What crawled up his ass and died? He looked ready to kill you.” Nadia comments, watching Jason. He shrugs again under her gaze, and she relents slightly.

“Are you okay?” Peter asks from right beside him, and Jason startles slightly, not hearing him move.

“Yeah. He didn’t get me.” The silence returns, and Tanya breaks it again.

“Well, I’m taking this extra time. Lucas?” The two walk out hand in hand, and it doesn’t take a genius to interpret their smiles.

“Peter, can you help me with some work from Biology?” Nadia says, and Peter nods. They leave, talking quietly, Peter throwing one last glance over his shoulder at Ivy and Jason standing on the stage alone.

“So,” Ivy walks towards him, her script balancing in her hand, neon tabs with her curvy writing sticking out of various pages, “got any plans now?”

“Not really. Why, what’re you planning?” Jason’s smile comes easy.

Ivy looks down at her feet, before looking up with a blush and small smile, and Jason feels his heart tighten.

Not in a good way.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m, uh, sure you’ve noticed.” She glances up at his face, pausing, “I like you, Jason. A lot. Playing Juliet alongside you… kind of feels like fate. Rehearsing with you, doing the dances, going out with the group, and being able to spend time with you…” She looks down and smiles wider with a slight flush growing across her cheeks, “My birthday party. So, I thought we could go on a date. This weekend?”

Jason’s first thought is:

_ Pan. _

His second thought is:

_ This is going to make the group more awkward. _

Followed by:

_ How can I turn her down when she’s exactly who I  _ should  _ like? _

“Ivy-” Her head snaps up, and he sees her expression drop quickly as she recognizes his tone and sees his face. “I’m sorry. You’re a really good friend, I don’t want to lose that, but I don’t feel the same.”

“You don’t? But… the party.”

“You tried to kiss me, yeah. I said you were too drunk.”

Ivy bites her lip and stiffly nods. “Got it.” Then she leaves.

Jason wants to call after her, to stop her from looking like she’s about to cry, but he instead just watches her walk out the doors, and tries not to feel like shit.

* * *

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 20th at 6:58 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Might Regret This

Okay, I’m trying not to regret it. Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry if I was too pushy Blue, I don’t want to lose us in any way. The ‘best kept secret’, huh? I kinda like that. Is it too much to still ask you to one day give the world a chance? There are safe places for us, outside of this bullshittery. (If that’s not a word, it is now) There has to be.

Anyway. Christmas break isn’t too far away, are you planning anything significant? Visiting family? Dreading it? I’m going home for a massive dinner with my mom’s family, where everyone will spend an hour talking about my college applications and grades, without talking to me once. Looking forward to it. 

I think students are starting to feel more like its break already. Getting more restless, maybe. Maybe it’s just been a weird day for me. 

\- Pan

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 20th at 9:01 PM

SUBJECT: Burden of Family

First of all, I’m glad there’s still a month until Christmas break, because that’s a week of practically no internet and not being able to email you. My version of suffering then will be whatever extravagant event my mother plans to show off the success of her son to all their rich friends, as I try to sneak away. There’s internet at home, but no promise on how often I’ll be able to send emails. So I’m both excited for a break from school and other students, I’m dreading going home and being reminded of exactly why I’m never coming out to them.

I get weird days. I feel like the last month of my life has been one long weird day, and today has been a really tiring and weird day. So, distract me? It’s not the kind of thing I can talk to you about, but I’ll just say that something happened that if I didn’t have you, might’ve gone differently. Knowing that you’re somewhere in this school, simultaneously knowing and not knowing the real me, helpful but not judgemental, helped me. So thank you, and thank you for not pushing me to reveal who I really am to you. 

Love, Blue

Maybe Jason could look at Pan’s email address for a second longer than usual, or remember his children’s stories a bit more, or think of a certain smiling boy with an almost quiet confidence, and put a face to the name.

But faces are too real, and wishful thinking never helped him before.


	7. i want things to not suck. and i don’t think that’s too much to ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finally opens up to one person, and everything seems to calm down as Christmas grows closer. It’s fine… right? Blue is charming, and everything is _fine_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from chapter thirteen of loto

Peter walks out of the auditorium doors beside Nadia, looking back once at Ivy approaching Jason on the stage.

“Did something actually happen on stage to cause that?” Nadia asks once they’re away from the door.

Peter shrugs. “Not that I noticed. We were just rehearsing, then… Matt tried to decapitate Jason.”

“Thought so.” Nadia looked around slightly, before leaning against the wall facing Peter. “Anything to do with Ivy?”

Peter froze, “I didn’t think about that.” He definitely did, and he assumed Matt’s anger came from Ivy’s crush on Jason.

“I already can’t stand her, if she gets with Jason I will throw myself under a bus,” Nadia mutters, glaring when she sees Peter’s frown. “If you ask me to be nice one more time-”

“I wasn’t going to!”

“Sure.”

They walk in silence for a minute longer, wordlessly making their way into the library and towards a desk up the back. Peter stops before sitting down, remembering Nadia’s words from earlier.

“We don’t have Biology homework, did we?” 

“No. I just wanted to leave, I hate Ivy, and can’t deal with Jason right now, so… you were left.”

“Right.” Peter looks down at the table, his smile disappearing quickly as his mind spirals from her comment. 

_Never the first choice._

He still notices when Nadia freezes. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine, Nadia.” He pauses again. “I should get back to my room, actually. I have to finish some English work.”

Ignoring her frown and cut off protest, Peter walks back out of the library and down the same hallways. 

He’s known Nadia for years now, and been friends with her for long enough to know that what she says isn’t always an accurate representation of how she feels, but her words managed to hit his exact insecurity of not being needed by his friends. 

It’s easy to feel like your friends could just get rid of you if they don’t like a major aspect of your identity.

“Ivy?” Peter pauses when he sees Ivy rush out of the auditorium, almost running into him. She mutters out an apology before trying to move past him, but he catches the way she roughly rubs under her eyes. “Ivy… what happened?”

“Nothing, Peter, can I just go?” Her voice sounds tight, like she’s holding back tears, so Peter throws an arm over her shoulders and leads her towards her room without a second thought, not commenting on the way her breaths become less steady. 

When they get there, he opens the door with his free hand and leads her to the bed, the door closing behind them as they sit.

Ivy sits silently for a second, shoulders tense as Peter sits cautiously next to her, before she slowly lowers her head onto Peter’s shoulder and breathes out shakily, her next few breaths speeding up as she begins to cry. His arm comes around her back and hugs her as she cries, all while his mind races as to what happened. 

Had Jason done something? It had just been the two of them left after Nadia dragged him out.

After about 10 minutes, Ivy calms down enough that Peter feels he can speak. “Ives… what happened?”

“Jason. I thought- but he rejected me.”

_Holy shit, what now?_

“Oh, Ivy, I’m sorry.” His arms come around her tighter, and she breathes out shakily against his shoulder.

“I feel like an idiot, cause I thought he…”

“You’re not an idiot, Ives. You’re allowed to have feelings.” Ivy makes a noise of disagreement, but he shakes his head. “I mean it.”

“Thanks, Peter.”

“Anytime. Look, you should plan something with the girls. Do something to distract yourself.”

Ivy looks contemplative for a moment, red eyes and all. “Yeah, okay. But not drinking.” Peter raises an eyebrow, and she hits his shoulder gently with the smallest smile. “Just us two, going to get coffee. Two friends, not needing relationships. You’re my best friend, and we should hang out.” Ivy nods to herself, and Peter shrugs.

“Okay. Coffee tomorrow.”

She squints her eyes at him, a smile still ghosting her lips. “I mean it. No rehearsal, no relationship drama, no insulting friends, no ‘slutty girl’.” She shakes her head, but her smile widens slightly. “Us two.”

Peter doesn’t know why Ivy trusts him above all the other people he knows she’s friends with, but he smiles gently and hugs her again, because she’s his best friend, and Matt isn’t important, and he can.

* * *

When he gets back to his room, he emails Blue, and tries to forget anything to do with Matthew Lloyd.

So obviously, he ends up sitting in the dark of his room on his chair, choking down bitter happiness over Jason rejecting Ivy, for Matt’s sake, for his own sake, for Blue’s sake, and doesn’t answer the quiet knock at his door that he thinks might be Nadia.

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 20th at 10:23 PM

SUBJECT: Distraction

Distraction. That I can do. Uh, I’ve already used the shampooed cows card. What else is funny enough to be distracting? I can’t think of anything. I recommend listening to music really loud, with the lights off, and your eyes closed. Find songs that’ll make you feel better, whatever that is for you. I listen to sad music when I’m sad. Is that weird? Or just sad?

I now dread Christmas break even more. A week without you? Tell me you’re joking, Blue, or that you can send letters by owl instead. I’m sorry it’s shit for you to be home, for all the reasons. I wish I had your number so I could text you.

That’s alright. Now, it’s comforting to know you’re somewhere, reacting to the words I type out.

Sleep tonight, okay? Listen to music and see if you can sleep off your weird month-day.

Love, Pan

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 21st at 9:06 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Distractions

I’ve never really been one for music, but that did help last night. I might need some music recommendations from you, though, considering the extent of my ‘taste’ comes from bad drunk people and their parties. I’m not sure if it was the music or the thought of you that helped me more, but I’m grateful for both.

I am sorry in advance for the break. But there’s still a month before then, and plenty of time for you to send emails at questionable hours and for weird days not properly explained in text.

But about sharing phone numbers - I don’t know, Pan. The idea that you could know who I am by calling me, it’s too much. But I’ll be back in a week, so I’m not going far, and you know I’ll be thinking of you the entire time anyway.

You’re very distracting, Pan, invading all kinds of my dreams.

Love, Blue

* * *

“Peter! Are you decent?” Ivy’s voice catches his attention the next morning, as he’s reading Blue’s email, and trying not to freak out at the fact that they’ve been signing off their last few emails with ‘Love’, or all kinds of Blue’s dreams.

“Yeah!” His door opens, revealing Ivy in a flowy dress, coat, and tights. Her dark curls are coming out of a knitted hat, and she looks beautiful.

“You look nice.” She smiles, and Peter looks down at his own button-up and jeans, grinning at her and grabbing his coat and a scarf.

“You do too, as always.” Her smile grows at his words, and Peter feels himself relax at the familiarity of her happiness.

“Enough flattery, I signed us out, let’s get the hell out of here and get some hot coffee before I freeze my tits off!” Peter laughs, and the two make their way out of the school, talking about anything, and nothing related to rehearsal, Matt or Jason.

Ivy’s laughing now, as she tells some story of Kyra high in class. “No, she really did! The sub was _not_ impressed.”

“I’d say I can’t believe you, but… I’ve seen enough of Kyra’s shit.”

“I know, right! There’s a reason she and Zack are drawn together, I think.”

There’s silence as they both sip their drinks - Ivy’s a mocha, Peter’s a caramel latte - until Ivy speaks.

“Okay, I know we said no rehearsal, but can we talk about the insanity of yesterday?”

That surprises a laugh out of Peter. “Insane? Yeah. You saw the end of it, from the other side of the auditorium. Try sitting six feet away, on the ground with it happening above your head.”

“Oh my God,” Ivy laughs, “I only saw just as Jason ducked down and Matt went insane… what happened before?”

“We were doing the scene fine, we all remembered our lines and choreography, but two steps before Jason was meant to stab Matt, Matt swung across his chest then tried to actually kill him.” Ivy’s eyes widen as he speaks, and she hides a laugh behind one hand.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh, it’s just…”

Peter smiles. “Ridiculous?”

“Well, yeah, but also…”

Peter laughs when he realizes what she means. “Therapeutic, even though it’s terrible?”

Ivy drops her head onto the table. “I know! I’m sorry, I don’t mean it, but it’s better than crying about it.” She lifts her head, “Did enough of that last night.”

“Ivy..”

“No!” She slaps the table, but her eyes are bright. “No wallowing. I’m not falling apart cause a guy rejected me, even if I thought he showed interest in me. Or because he’s playing my lover in the play that’s opening in a month and a half.” Ivy sighs and looks at Peter. “Finish your drink.”

“Done.”

Ivy grins and stands up. “I’ve got a plan.”

Peter doesn’t know why he lets her drag him, but he knows he’s not thinking of Matt and blackmail and losing Blue when he’s trying not to fall over his own feet as she pulls him across roads, weaving through people as they become the stereotypical teenagers their grandparents complain about. 

“Ivy! Where are we- Sorry, ma’am!” Peter winces as a woman glares at them passing, Ivy still laughing in front of him.

“Live a little, Peter! And trust me!” 

* * *

Peter tells himself he needs to trust Ivy more.

“Holy shit, this is the best idea you’ve had all year, Ivy.”

“Yeah?”

They’re sitting on a park bench now, towards the other side of town, each of them holding a warm pretzel, and watching a bunch of dogs run around in the dog park in front of them.

“Absolutely.” This time, he leans his head on her shoulder, and feels rather than hears her laugh, before she pats his head and steals a bite of his pretzel. “I saw that. But I don’t care, because that pitbull is so cute, oh my god, Ives.” 

The energy around them is calm, and Peter can feel his heart racing. There’s no one near them, the closest person being a young girl with a small puppy forty feet away.

And Peter wants to come out.

Somewhere, maybe still at St. Cecilia’s, Blue is there, terrified of anyone knowing anything about his ‘best kept secret’, watching his every movement and word spoken to protect himself from every belief he’s been raised with.

Peter feels like he’s almost doing this for Blue.

For himself, for his own freedom, and for Blue to know that their own world isn’t the same that he was raised in.

He sits up. “Ivy?”

She frowns slightly in confusion. “...Yeah?”

His shoulders are tense. “There’s something I want to tell you. But the thing is, no one else can know this. At all.”

“...Okay.”

Peter suddenly becomes very aware of every single part of his body; his leg pressed against Ivy’s, his fingers clutching the paper holding his pretzel, his breath catching in his throat, Ivy shifting to face him. “I’m gay.”

He looks down at his shaking legs, not wanting to see Ivy’s reaction, so he jumps when she throws her arms around his shoulders. “I love you.”

Her reaction startles him, and he pulls back to see her face. “You…”

Her smile brightens. “You’re my best friend. I’m proud of you, and I love you.” Peter smiles tightly, as he bites back tears, but Ivy notices. “Don’t cry!”

“I really didn’t know how you’d take it.”

That makes her freeze. “Did you think I was homophobic?”

”I didn’t know. I didn’t think so, but…”

Ivy seems to understand him. “Catholic.” He nods. “You’ve never told anyone?”

“You’re the first.”

_I’ve never said the words out loud before._

“Peter…” Her eyes crinkle as she smiles, “I’m honored.”

“Are you surprised?”

“...No.”

“You knew?”

“Oh, no.”

“But you’re not surprised?”

“Peter, do you want me to be surprised?”

“I don’t know.”

Ivy’s hand grabs Peter’s, and they sit watching the dogs.

“Are you planning on telling others?” She asks when they stand to start their walk back to school.

“Not yet. I didn’t know I was planning on telling you until we got here.” Peter says, biting his tongue before he accidentally says anything about Blue. “I mean, eventually I want to tell our friends. I just don’t know how they’ll react.”

“I’m here. And every time you hear some homophobic bullshit in church, I want you to remember that they’re wrong.” She grins. “Imagine me slapping them. You’ve seen me slap Nadia, you know I can.” The mention of a freshman memory he had forgotten makes him laugh, particularly at the memory of Nadia’s revenge.

It’s a wonder they survived being roommates for years.

Ivy squeezes his hand once more, and they walk back side by side.

* * *

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 21st at 4:33 PM

SUBJECT: Holy changes

So I kind of just came out to one of my friends earlier today. I’m still freaking out.

She’s one of the best people I know, and she reacted by hugging me and telling me that she loves me, then kind of insulting the church. 

I know I did it for myself, but in a way, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you, Blue. Knowing you’re somewhere and caring about me gave me the encouragement I think I needed to actually just tell her. I didn’t tell her about you, in case you were worried. That’s just for us.

I want to meet you so I can hug you. Or do something else. Other things. When you’re ready, of course. Same goes for phone numbers.

Okay, your music. I can’t believe you don’t listen to music. Artist recommendation? Ben Platt. Start there. I’m not just saying that because of how many songs remind me of you. I just love his music. A lot.

I hope your day was less weird today. Thank you for being here, and for everything you do to me.

Love, Pan

P.S. I have to know what kind of dreams those are

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Nov. 21st at 7:19 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Holy changes

First of all, Pan, I’m happy for you! I’m glad it went well for you, and that you have a person to talk to in your life. It was really all you, you’re the one with the courage to admit that of yourself, especially to someone within this school, I can’t take any credit, but I’m proud of you. 

Thank you for keeping us a secret. Not that I’m out to anyone, but I like that we’re exclusive knowledge to us. Thank you as well for telling me this. It’s a little concerning how you already can predict what I’ll be anxious about amongst such amazing words… I guess you know me pretty well.

It makes me feel a little less crazy for considering your ideas of talking or meeting. Not giving in, but considering. I’ve just noticed how isolating it feels recently, even amongst my friends, knowing that there’s this massive part of myself I’m trying to figure out, that I can’t tell them about. 

I’ve taken on your suggestions for music, and I’ll tell you what I think when I do listen to them, and how much they remind me of you.

Love, Blue

P.S. ;)

* * *

The next few weeks pass by in a mix of a blur and agonizing slowness. Ivy stays true to her word and never mentions anything about his sexuality around others, but occasionally sends him a look that Peter has learned means ‘...boys’. Nadia stays quiet and tense but ignores any of Peter’s attempts to talk to her. Matt’s frustration seems to ease when he learns that Jason had turned down Ivy, and he begins sitting with them at lunch again. Jason and Ivy are healthily awkward for a week or so, which seems to torture Nadia, but normalcy returns relatively quickly.

Peter and Blue keep emailing, signing off each one with ‘Love’, and making Peter’s heart clench.

He really wants to know the other boy.

Matt, Peter, and Ivy meet up a few more times to rehearse lines together, with Matt’s growing insistence on his and Peter’s ‘agreement’, but Matt’s attempts at starting conversations that aren’t on the play fall short on Ivy.

Which leads them to now, the final day of term, and therefore the final rehearsal before Christmas break. Sister Chantelle stands before the students sat in a group, and Peter doesn’t think he’s ever seen her so relieved for a break. 

“Alright, everyone, I know you’re itching to get home and away from here, but there are a few things we need to cover. We’ve got our first dress rehearsal middle of January, and we open at the end of the month. That means limited time to learn your lines and choreography. I’ve cut parts, made it easier for y’all, now the rest is up to you. Also, you lucky kids get to end your break one day early for an all-day Sunday rehearsal on the third, and I mean it when I say I want everyone. We want to do last-minute costume measurements then, so I don’t want a single spare mask, got it?” At the round of nodding that follows, Sister Chantelle smiles. “All right. Let’s get this last rehearsal over. The ball scene!”

The rehearsal runs surprisingly smoothly, with only minimal shouting and script-throwing, and two and a half hours later Peter is sitting out the front of the school on a bench with a suitcase at his feet, waiting to be picked up for break, when Ivy makes her way over and sits beside him.

“What plans do you have for break?”

Peter shrugs. “Go over scenes. Suffer while talking to family.”

Ivy’s head leans on his shoulder, a position that was becoming increasingly familiar. “Are you planning to come out to your mom?”

“I’m not sure. Not yet, not when there’s so long until graduation.” Peter mutters, matching the volume of her words. Ivy smiles and squeezes his knee, and they sit like that for a minute before her bus pulls up, and she sends a wave to Peter from her seat as she leaves.

“Bet you’re pretty freaking happy, huh, Peter?” Matt’s voice from behind startles him, as Peter turns to face him.

“What have I done now?”

“Was this entire thing a joke to you?” Matt’s voice is low, and Peter can feel his heartbeat increase.

“Matt, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He laughs once, the sound empty. “Sure you don’t. Are you enjoying humiliating me?”

“Did something happen?”

“Yeah, Ivy rejected me.”

“What? When?”

“About ten minutes before she threw herself all over you, just like she does with any other guy but me. Hope it’s exactly what you wanted.”

“What I wanted? Are you forgetting the _very reason_ you’re blackmailing me?!”

“It’s not fucking blackmail, Peter.”

“What the hell would you call it then?!”

“Whatever. I’m done being the joke to you two- to _everyone_. I’m sure you’re happy. Merry Christmas, Peter.” With that, Matt leaves, disappearing into a car passing and leaving Peter utterly confused on the bench with the familiar dread returning in his gut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if y'all haven't heard, there's a [peter x jason week](https://hvvrtfulloflove.tumblr.com/post/626327022380154880/peter-x-jason-week) being run at the end of the month! i've planned the posting of the rest of tobp so chapters 11 & 12 will be posted during that week, and hopefully whatever else my one braincell can produce.


	8. do you ever get so angry that you start crying?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things quickly change over the course of Christmas break and the first week back. Peter tries to stay afloat, and Blue reveals what he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter twenty-four of svthsa.  
> general content warning for homophobia and non-graphic violence (spoilery description in endnotes)! this chapter was hard for me to write for a lot of reasons... so stay safe, everyone.

Christmas is tedious at home. Peter goes through the motions like he would every other year, but he locks himself in his room and emails Blue every night, and tries to ignore his mother’s looks as he dismisses questions of a girlfriend.

He makes it until after the big family dinner on Christmas before hiding in his room and opening his laptop, frowning at the empty email inbox that appears. He knows Blue said he wouldn’t be able to email, but he didn’t prepare for how lonely it’d be, especially as he got used to talking to him almost every day.

He’s lying on his bed that night, scrolling through social media when his phone buzzes with a text from Ivy.

CHAT: _Ivy Robinson_

Ivy: Are you okay, Peter?

Ivy: Call me when you get this please

Ivy: I don’t know if this is the best way to tell you, but you should check ceciliaconfessions 

Ivy: I never said anything to anyone, I swear, I would never do that to you

Ivy: I love you, okay? Call me.

Peter feels sick, and his hands are shaking as he opens his laptop and types the blog name in, hearing his heartbeat rattling in his skull. 

_No. This can’t be happening._

But it’s on the screen in front of him.

December 25, 4:29 P.M.

PETER SIMMONDS’ OPEN INVITATION TO ALL DUDES

With this post I announce my raging homosexuality and interest in all males, ignoring any thoughts about my eventual damnation to hell. Interested parties can talk to me directly and organise anal buttsex or blue-jobs. Ladies need not apply.

Merry Christmas, St. Cecilia’s. Homosexually yours, Peter Simmonds.

There are already dozens of comments, and Peter sees a few selective slurs before he closes the webpage.

_I'm not safe anymore._

He feels his heart racing, and wraps his arms around himself as he sits on the edge of his bed.

 _He brought Blue into it_. 

Everything feels wrong, and he can’t breathe.

* * *

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Dec. 25th at 8:58 PM

SUBJECT: Oh holy nightmare

I think I’ve had the worst of weird, terrible days. And I can’t even talk about it.

Through a shitfest of long stories and things I can’t explain, I’m gonna be out to the entire school, which means everyone in the entire universe is about to know. I haven’t told my mom yet. You might already have heard, I don’t know if it’d reach you wherever you are, without the time to email me back.

So… Can you say something to take my mind off it? Complain about college, or writing essays, or talk about your dreams. Tell me you like the music I suggest to you, or that you saw a cute dog on a walk that reminded you of me. Find some new way to tell me so much of your personality without anything about your real life, or just appear in some way so I can talk to you.

Anyway. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Blue. I hope you get time to yourself, whether or not you use it to talk to me, because your family gatherings sound completely exhausting. Maybe next Christmas we could know each other and do something that isn’t so exhausting for either of us.

I’ve rambled long enough, I don’t even know what I’m typing. I can’t wait to hear from you again, I miss you already.

Love, Pan

* * *

Peter knows the horror stories of gay Catholic students, had discussed them with Blue, had read them at 3am to scare himself back in the closet when he got too brave with a Tumblr post months ago.

He never thought he’d be one of them.

“Peter, honey, your phone won’t stop buzzing.” His mother’s voice snaps him back to reality, the two of them sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast, his phone indeed buzzing incessantly in front of him.

“Oh.” He turns it on silent without looking at it.

“Everything okay?”

“Yep.”

He doesn’t want to know what it says.

“When do you have to go back to school, again?”

He has to be there on Sunday, for an all-day rehearsal before term starts. “Monday.”

“I’ll drop you off Sunday afternoon, is that okay?”

He wishes he didn’t have to go back. “Yeah.”

He doesn’t want to be a warning story to the other queer students at St. Cecilia’s, in the church.

His mother stands and clears the dishes from the table, and Peter wants to tell her.

If it was up to him, he wouldn’t. Not now, not any time soon, not until he feels himself bursting to tell her, filled with confidence like he's never known. But it’s out there now, and he knows she’ll know within a matter of days.

“The play is soon, are you ready for us all to see it?” Her smile is tight, in a familiar way, but she’s still smiling.

He doesn’t need to let her down yet.

* * *

Christmas break is far more stressful and painful than he ever could have anticipated, and by the time he’s sitting in his mom’s car as they drive to school, he’s ready to jump out of his skin. Blue hasn’t contacted him at all, and he’s ignored any messages from all other students, including his friends. 

The post stayed up for four days before being deleted, but Peter knows that won’t stop it from being a big deal. He thinks about denying it, but knows that he won’t. He wants to believe his own words to Blue, that there’s safety even amongst such raging bigotry, but he doesn’t expect to get through the next few weeks without some... confrontations.

He received another text from Ivy that morning, asking if he was coming to the rehearsal, but he hadn’t responded to that either. Their group chat had been quiet, and Peter was too anxious to respond to even one of the texts he had gotten in case he had to face that their friendship may be circumstantial.

“I need to tell you something.” Peter says, not looking at her.

She doesn’t look at him. “I called your father, he said he’ll come to the play.”

“Mom?”

“You know we’re all excited to come see you, to see all your hard work pay off.”

“I’ve tried to do it all break, but I haven’t been able to.”

“Peter, is now the best time for this?”

“Let me speak, please. Look, I’ve spent so long trying to find the best way to say this.” He takes a breath, closing his eyes. “God, I can't get the words out; It's like they're all jumbled together. Mom, I love you and—”

“We’re here, Peter.” Her voice is cold, and it’s the change in tone that makes Peter open his eyes and look at her.

“I-”

“You don’t want to be caught up in everyone arriving, do you?”

“This is important, please just let me finish.”

“I have things to get back and do, Peter, I don’t have the time.”

Peter feels his heart stop for what feels like the fifth time in the past couple of months. “You know what I’m trying to say.” He lets out a short scoff, masking the sob that creeps up his throat. “Got it.” With that, he gets out of the car, gets his suitcase from the trunk, and spares no second thought at slamming it closed. “See you at the play.” He mutters through her slightly rolled down window.

“Maybe by then you’ll be able to work this out.” She says quietly, as if not speaking to him, so he doesn’t allow himself to turn back around as tears threaten to spill out of his eyes, storming through the open gates of the school and disappearing from her sight into the hallways. He passes the library, classrooms, silent rows of lockers as he walks, moving past the open doors of the auditorium without a second thought or glance, not slowing until he’s collapsed on his bed again.

He bites back the bitter taste of rejection, and prepares himself for the next day.

* * *

The part of being out that Peter is dreading most is the hallways between classes and lunch. He had managed to get out of the dorms without any confrontations, but he feels like there are hundreds of eyes on him as he walks through the hallway so he can get to class. A group of sophomores whisper obviously as he passes, a junior girl he thinks is in the play smiles weakly at him, and he lets his shoulders lose just a little bit of their tension as he reaches his locker, sliding out a Biology textbook. 

He’s placing the textbook in his bag when he notices someone leaning against the locker beside his, watching him. He closes his locker door, and just as he tries to move around them, a hand pushes on his shoulder, and he tries to hide his wince as the back of his head and spine hit harshly against the lockers. Someone laughs from behind the person who shoved him, and one quick glance tells him it’s one of the senior guys on the basketball team.

“Thought you were into that-” The asshole finishes his sentence with a painfully familiar slur, so Peter lowers his head and walks the other way down the hallway, zipping up his bag as slurs and insults seem to come from every corner he rounds, as well as from the yells of the asshole and his friends.

“Shut up, Nicholas, you’re a coward with a dick smaller than your tits.” A girl’s voice cuts through, and Peter turns to see a fuming Ivy Robinson making her way towards him.

“I- Shut the fuck up, slut.” Nicholas stutters, leaving with his friends muffling laughter behind. Ivy flips him off over one shoulder as she reaches Peter.

“You weren’t here yesterday. You didn’t call me back.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’ve been on the stupid Tumblr plenty.” She smiles sadly, before noticing the stares from everyone around them. “Don’t you have better things to do?” They scatter slightly, and Ivy walks with Peter to his Biology classroom without another word.

“You don’t need to make yourself a target for me. I’ll be fine.”

Ivy’s eyebrows furrow and she frowns at him. “No. You’re my best friend and I’m protecting you.”

There’s quiet for a moment. “Are the others angry?” Ivy’s frown morphs into something much sadder, but she still forces a smile.

“We’re your friends, Peter.” Her face shifts as she notices something over her shoulder, causing Peter to turn around in concern, but he’s only faced with a weakly smiling Nadia.

“Hey.”

“Hi Peter.”

Ivy nods at the other girl, before waving Peter goodbye and leaving to her class.

Nadia glances as she leaves, before facing Peter. “I assume something happened?”

“Just… some assholes. I expected it.”

Nadia frowns as well now, looking scarily similar to Ivy in her anger. “Fuck them.”

They walk inside the classroom, taking their seats beside each other at the back, as Nadia watches him carefully with an oddly guarded expression.

“Are we okay?” Peter asks, remembering the tension of the last few weeks before break, and their talk in the library.

“Of course we are.” She pauses. “I’m sorry for not thinking before I speak. For not being a good friend.”

Peter smiles the slightest bit, and pokes her arm. “You’re a great friend.” Her smile in response is small, but it eases some of the hurt on Peter’s heart.

The way she throws a calculator at the head of a guy who tries to hiss a slur to Peter a minute later helps him smile.

* * *

CHAT: _Nadia McConnell_

Nadia: it’s lunch, where did you go?

Peter: Don’t worry about me

Nadia: try again

Peter: Just don’t want to be around everyone. I’m fine

Not ten seconds after Peter sends that text to Nadia, he sees the same crowd of assholes from that morning coming towards where he’s sat by himself, and bites back the anger as he takes in what his odds are. Five jocks against one theatre nerd. He doesn’t like his chances.

The assholes are saying something, about him being disgusting, sinful, and throwing about a million slurs, and one laughs as a fist connects with his cheekbone, knocking him off his seat onto the ground.

Peter doesn’t look up at any of them, doesn’t fight back, and thanks himself for leaving his laptop in his room and most of his books in his locker.

He wishes he had the bravery to stand up, to look them in the eyes and yell ‘Is there something you have to say to me?!’. But he can’t, he won’t, so he lowers his eyes and stays silent.

_Please, just let this be done with sooner rather than later._

He hears the commotion of more people arriving and lowers his head, but a familiar voice catches his attention and surprises him for the second time this day.

“Seriously, dude, don’t you have better things to be doing?” Lucas Carter places himself between Peter and the assholes with a casual confidence, Nadia standing slightly behind him as Ivy and Tanya help Peter up.

One of the assholes glares again. “Just let us deal with the-” Another friendly slur. “Don’t need you or your drugs, Carter.”

Lucas shrugs, his hands in his pockets. “Wasn’t offering. Don’t need your opinion. Leave my friend alone.”

“Friend? Didn’t you see, he’s-” 

“Why are they still here?” Tanya feigns boredom as she leans across to Lucas, and the asshole’s face fumes.

“Dunno. Still don’t get why they’re giving anyone shit.” Lucas turns to them with the slightest smile. “Did you have a reason, or were you just bored today?”

They can’t seem to come up with a good answer to that, until one tries to argue the scripture, where Ivy quickly interrupts.

“You’re literally high right now, and God knows you’re not a virgin, don’t start with that shit.”

Nadia smiles slightly, completely mocking, and waves at their retreating forms. “Goodbye now.”

Peter watches in awe as the assholes actually leave, as his friends all turn to him.

“You okay?” Lucas asks first, scanning Peter quickly, eyes hovering over his cheek.

“Shit.” Tanya hisses with a wince, and Peter’s hand comes up to cover the quickly bruising spot under his left eye.

“You guys-”

“Peter Simmonds, if you dare say we didn’t have to do that.” Nadia cuts him off with a glare, softened slightly by her arm looping through his.

“Okay, I won’t.”

They stay like that for a second of peace: Nadia on one side of Peter with their arms linked, Ivy on his other side, leaning her head on his shoulder with their hands held, Tanya and Lucas holding hands and watching Peter in worry across from them.

“Thank you guys.” Peter says, his voice breaking slightly, but his friends smile regardless. “I appreciate it. Even if it might make you targets.”

Tanya laughs lightly. “I’d like to see them try.”

“They can’t start caring about what’s seen as moral now. You’re better than them by far.” Nadia’s scowl eases, but her arm is still against Peter’s side.

Silence falls again.

Peter sighs. “I know what you’re not asking.”

Nadia meets his eyes, and shrugs with a slight smile.

“The post was true about one thing. I am gay.”

It’s only the second time he’s spoken the words aloud.

“Okay.” 

“Proud of you!”

“Hell yeah, Pete!”

He smiles at Nadia and Tanya, mockingly glaring at Lucas, and notices Nadia’s eyebrows furrow.

“It’s safe to assume you didn’t write it.”

“I didn’t.”

“...Do you know who did?” Lucas asks.

“Yeah.”

Four pairs of eyes turn to him expectantly. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Peter sighs, and shifts slightly. “This isn’t how I wanted it to happen.”

“No shit.” Nadia mutters, and Peter nudges her arm to try and lessen her anger.

“...Is Jason…” He doesn’t want to finish that thought.

Nadia seems to catch on, though. “He’s in a meeting. He’d absolutely be here if he wasn’t.”

Ivy frowns next. “Where is Matt, though?” They all share looks, Peter fixating on one point on the ground.

Tanya shrugs. “Dunno. Thought he was fine after the sword thing, but I barely saw him at rehearsal yesterday, and I don’t share classes with him.” She spins around to her boyfriend. “Isn’t he in your English?” 

“I’ll see if he’s there this afternoon. I’ll text you guys.”

Ivy smiles, and it only looks partially sarcastic. “Rehearsal’ll be fun.” She pauses, looking contemplative. “Do you think Sister Chantelle will let me use one of the swords?”

* * *

Peter mostly forgets about the bruise on his cheek, save for a few movements that flared pain, right until he’s leaving his English classroom, and Jason McConnell catches his arm gently as they walk to rehearsal.

“Peter, what happened?” He says quietly, and Peter notices him looking for anyone around the two of them.

“It's fine, just some asshole.” He responds quickly, looking down.

He’s not angry at Jason, not for not being there at lunch, but he’s seen Jason friendly with the assholes before, and if there’s anyone that could be targeted for being friendly to him now, it’d be Jason.

It’s not because his slight crush on the boy makes him feel guilty because of Blue. Not at all.

But even if that was a small factor, he refuses to let anyone else be hurt by this shit, not when he still hasn’t heard back from Blue since before Christmas break.

Jason’s still walking beside him, and he seems to catch on to Peter’s mood. “I’m sorry if it was any of the guys from my team, I swear I’m not…” 

“Like them? I didn’t think so.” Peter smiles slightly, keeping his head down. “It’s not your fault. You don’t need to apologize.” He’s grateful when they reach the auditorium, even as he feels every set of eyes turn to him. 

“Peter, over here.” Sister Chantelle speaks up just as Ivy begins to make her way over to him. Ivy raises an eyebrow and Peter shrugs as he walks across to the stage.

“Yes?”

“You weren’t in rehearsal yesterday.”

“...Right. Sorry”

Sister Chantelle’s eyes narrow, but Peter must look exhausted and bruised enough that her face relaxes. “I know you know all your lines, so talk to your friends and learn the choreography.”

“Thank you, Sister.”

She nods, and Peter turns to walk away before he looks across the auditorium and freezes.

Nadia and Jason are talking, which shouldn’t be anything significant, but Jason gestures over to Peter without looking at him, and something tightens in his chest. He freezes, noticing Sister Chantelle moving behind him, and sees the exact moment that Nadia seems to process whatever Jason is saying, when she grabs his arm, whispers something in response, freezes, then says something else, her expression softer as she looks up at her twin.

_Whatever. If Jason’s weird with me… that’s fine._

He lets out a sigh and moves onto the stage, moving beside Lucas as Sister Chantelle begins instructing them on the scene for rehearsal. Peter notices the looks from the other students, the way they share glances and avoid him, the lack of subtlety in their whispers, and shrinks further into himself.

He had expected this coldness, this reaction, from the students, despite any of his words to Blue previously encouraging the opposite. He was surprised and grateful to still have his friends, and to not have been called in to conference with Father yet.

It’s not often that something amongst the students and the Tumblr made it to the teachers and adults, but something had clearly reached them this time, based on the looks Peter had been getting.

When it came down to it, every part of his upbringing had been telling him to feel shame over who he is, his own mother refused to let him speak and come out, and his own faith had been weaponized and used against his identity.

“Finally.” A voice snaps Peter back into the present moment, and his attention is caught by Matt walking into the auditorium. Matt’s eyes lift and meet with Peter’s, and Peter feels his entire body freeze as Matt examines him, before continuing to walk towards the stage and join the rehearsal.

Peter wants to hit him for looking so well put-together while his own life is falling apart with every step.

He instead settles for turning away and watching Tanya and Kyra dancing while Sister Chantelle’s back is turned, waving off Lucas’ quick glance at him.

* * *

He doesn’t check his email until he’s back in his room that night.

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: Jan. 4th at 6:50 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Oh holy nightmare

Pan,

First of all, I’m sorry for everything that’s happened. I can’t imagine what led to your current situation, but I know it’s nothing like you wanted. It hurts me to know that despite your optimism about the world being a better place, the church and our school aren’t yet. I hate that you’re finding this out in the worst way.

So yes, Pan, I’ve heard and seen everything. ‘The boy who never grows up’ shouldn’t be forced to grow up through all of this.

I’m sorry. I don’t know if I can do this anymore, when there’s so much attention and too much risk.

\- Blue

He reads the email once, twice, then again. Tears are building in his eyes as he reads the same words over and over, willing them to not be true, and his fingers are shaking as he types back a response.

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Jan. 4th at 7:32 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Oh holy nightmare

Okay, so you know who I am. Guess my name wasn’t as clever as I thought, not that the post helped. But please, Blue, don’t leave. Everything is changing in the worst ways possible, I can’t lose you too. Everyone thinks I’m the only gay kid, no one is looking for you.

I’m sorry if I wasn’t who you were hoping for me to be, but I don’t want all of this shit to ruin the one truly good and safe thing I think I have left, which is you. Keep talking to me, please. 

Love, Peter

It feels foreign, to type his real name and press send, even as the letters blur through his tears.

He remembers, months ago, telling himself that losing Blue would be the worst thing to happen. It feels like it now.

The raw feeling of heartbreak keeps him up all night.

* * *

Despite his want for time to just stand still while his entire world shifts and falls apart, life, including rehearsals, continues. At the end of the first week back after break, Peter is at the very least able to appreciate the normalcy of Sister Chantelle getting stressed.

“Tanya, please show Diane the right steps again, and stop hiding backstage with Lucas when he should be rehearsing his own scene onstage. Rory, you’re supposed to be dancing, not having a seizure. Try again, or I’m moving you to the back. Zack, stop counting out loud, please.”

It’s going great.

Peter is stood on the stage again, Jason behind him, Matt in front of him, and Lucas somewhere to his side. They’re rehearsing the fight scene again to get Sister Chantelle’s final approval, and Peter’s doing everything in his power to not think about the disastrous ending of the other time they had rehearsed this.

It seems Matt might be on the same train of thought, as Peter watches him look down at the sword in his hand, the sword which he’s meant to kill Peter with shortly.

Peter’s memory unhelpfully reminds him of the rehearsal almost two months ago, where the choreography was simple yet still had his cheeks flushing as Jason had pressed his hands to his chest and had Peter’s head against his thighs.

He wasn’t looking forward to repeating this scene under the gaze of so many people who thought they knew who he was, and what he wanted.

Let alone with his friend who seemed to like him better in the closet, and the asswipe who outed him.

Matt begins his lines, his steps exactly where planned, and Peter follows with a straight face, biting down any visible reaction to Jason’s distancing from him, Matt’s facial expression when he stabs him, and the stilted voice Jason says his lines in as Mercutio dies. Peter lets Lucas drag him off before sitting up to do anything but get stuck in his own thoughts, deciding to watch the scene as Jason slides his sword under Matt’s arm, the latter boy falling back on the floor harshly.

It’s somewhat satisfying to see.

* * *

When rehearsal finishes, Peter hangs back until students are cleared from the room and walkways before he begins to pack his bag to leave.

“You good, Peter?” Peter jumps and turns around, finding Lucas leaning against the stage with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah. Glad to be done for today.” Peter tries to smile, but he can tell from Lucas’ face how convincing it looks.

For once, Lucas isn’t smiling, looking almost concerned as he moves closer to Peter. “I wanted to ask something.”

Peter’s heart starts racing, and his mind narrows to the worst possibility of his friend betraying him after all the effort to the contrary the past week.

Lucas continues. “It’s about Matt.”

_What?_

Peter tries to mask any immediate reaction to the name and tilts his head sideways, and Lucas’ face shifts into something else, something… sadder?

“So it was him.” It’s not a question, and Peter’s heart stops for a second.

“What?”

“Matt wrote the post, didn’t he?”

And if Peter was expecting anything, it wasn’t that.

“How…?”

“I guessed, from how you’ve both been acting. The first day back, when he walked into rehearsal you completely froze up. He’s definitely seen us defending you, and he’s avoiding all of us as much as he can.”

“He asked Ivy out before the break, it makes sense he might be avoiding her.”

Lucas’ head now tilts sideways slightly, eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t need to play it off. Why not tell us?”

Peter gives up, shoulders dropping and voice quieting. “It doesn’t mean anything. He won’t face anything, and I didn’t want to bring more attention to it.” He shrugs. “I didn’t want to be the reason anyone else’s friendships got ruined.”

Lucas is quiet for a second. “How did he know?”

“Hm?”

“How did Matt know, if you said you hadn’t told anyone before us?”

“Oh. Long story.” Lucas raises an eyebrow, and Peter shakes his head. “I’d rather not.”

“Alright. Just know that I’m here, dude. Not everyone’s an asshole. I won’t start shit with Matt or tell the others, but he’s not sitting with us again.”

_Thank God for Lucas Carter._

“Thank you.” Seemingly satisfied with Peter's slight smile, Lucas turns to leave with a nod, until something else pops into Peter’s mind. “Oh, Lucas?”

“Yeah?”

_Do you think Jason is ashamed to be friends with me too?_

“...Nevermind. See you tomorrow.”

* * *

Peter’s inbox is silent when he goes to sleep that night as well.

He muffles his tears into his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: peter gets outed and faces slurs, general isolation and confrontation at school. the violence refers to him getting shoved against lockers and punched in the cheek. no slurs are said, only alluded to. he is defended and accepted by his friends.


	9. no one ever warns the babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nadia cares for her friends, and has little patience for anyone else. She watches from the sidelines, and has two conversations that kind of change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter twenty-nine of loto  
> it's not news for anyone that's followed me or my works before: i love nadia mcconnell (no it's not projection). i really wanted to use her perspective here.  
> cw for mentioned homophobia (events of last chapter)

Nadia likes to think of herself as observant. Or, at the very least, not oblivious.

Which is why her heart broke the first time she saw Peter after Christmas break, eyes scanning every hallway for anything that could have been (and were) there to try and attack him.

Nadia felt guilty for never considering how big of a secret her friend had been carrying. The rational side of her brain tries to assure her that she couldn’t have known, that there plenty of reasons for him to be closeted to even his closest friends, and that he purposefully hadn’t told them. It didn’t stop her from feeling the guilt, heavy in her chest.

She first saw the Tumblr post outing him towards the end of break stuck in the quiet suffering of her parents’ house, in a rare moment of solitude on her phone when Ivy had messaged it to her, simply saying ‘someone posted this. peter’s not replying to me.’ Reading the post angered her, filled her with dread and guilt, but mostly made her worried for Peter. Whether or not it was true, someone had written it about him, and she knew people at school wouldn’t let it go.

The first person she saw after break (aside from Jason, who she hadn’t even spoken about this to) was Lucas, who came rushing up to her as she walked through the auditorium doors for the Sunday rehearsal.

“I assume you saw it.” He said, and Nadia nodded. “People are talking about it, but Peter’s not here yet.”

“He knows we’re supportive… right?” The question sounded pitiful even as it left her lips, and Lucas’ expression conveyed similar uncertainty. 

Peter never came to that rehearsal, but by the end of it, Nadia knew that she, Ivy, Lucas and Tanya were on the same page: Peter was their friend, and they’d show him so when he came back. Matt had been avoiding them all day, and Jason seemed too focused on the play and the pressure from their parents over the break to pay attention to any of their conversations.

She thought she had seen him run past the open doors at one point in the afternoon, but didn’t think too deeply about it before she was pulled back into a scene.

Sometimes she wasn’t as observant as she wished she was.

* * *

CHAT:  _ PETER DEFENSE  _

Tanya: here we go

Lucas: nice name babe

Tanya: ty x

Ivy: Okay so whats gonna happen tomorrow do we think

Tanya: people gon be dicks 

Nadia: yeah.

Ivy: it’s been over a week, and not everyone reads the tumblr

Tanya: ...you did hear them talking about him in rehearsal, right?

Ivy: theatre kids don’t reflect the school

Nadia: I have Bio with him first thing

Ivy: he still hasn’t responded to any messages or even opened them, so I’m gonna try and find him before class

Lucas: i’ll keep an ear out for who’s being particularly homophobic

Ivy: ...i really hope it’s not a big deal

Tanya: we don’t even know if it’s true, ives

Nadia: wouldn’t he have denied it if it wasn’t though? even to us?

Tanya: if he responded

Lucas: either way, let’s just do what we can

Tanya: woooowww responsible is a different look on you babe ;))

Lucas: oh ;))

Nadia: i suddenly have to bleach my eyes

Tanya: ilyt nads

Ivy: haha see y’all tomorrow, good night xx

* * *

The first day back after break, she and Ivy shared a single look at lunch over Peter’s missing space and stood up in sync, Lucas and Tanya a few moments behind.

It felt weird to get along with Ivy. Especially when the reasons were... what they were.

Nadia caught the passing conversation of a junior who might be on the basketball team with Jason. “Yeah, Nick’s headed to the oval, after that-” The homophobic slur that finished his sentence seemed to suspend in the air a second before Nadia processed the other words and picked up the pace.

“Nadia?” Lucas caught up with her easy, looking confused at her determination.

“Heard someone say the oval. Same asshole Ivy caught this morning.” Lucas nodded at her words and moved even faster until they reached the oval, and indeed saw Peter on the ground  _ (holding his cheek, what happened)  _ with a group of assholes standing over him. 

It wasn’t a question whether or not they’d get between it. Nadia hated how surprised Peter looked to see them, and how he tried to deny their help a minute later.

It wasn’t surprising to hear him come out. She kept her arm looped through his, biting down her anger at Peter’s look after his confession that he knew (and wouldn’t tell) who made the post and ignored the question in her own mind when Peter questioned where Jason was. He really was in a meeting, but Nadia hadn’t seen a reaction to the whole thing from her twin yet. 

Did he even know about it?

* * *

Rehearsal that afternoon told her that no, Jason managed to not hear anything about it.

“Nadia, can we talk?” He pulled her over to the side of the auditorium, his features concerned under the smile he usually wore.

“What’s so important it can’t wait until after rehearsal?” She knew her tone was annoyed, which is pretty regular for her, but Jason’s face tightened slightly.

“Please?” His voice lowers, and he frowns slightly.

Nadia knows her twin brother well. He’s the person she’s closest to, who knows the darker parts of her mind, and exactly how awful their parents are to the both of them. She knows when he needs something, and when he’s just being an annoying brother.

“Okay. What?” She watched as his face went through about five emotions in a few seconds, before settling on a blank.

“What exactly happened to Peter?”

“Some of the assholes from your team attacked him at lunch when you were meeting with those Notre Dame people.”

Jason’s face scrunched up, and he shook his head slightly. “No, I- I had guessed that much. But… why? Why Peter?” His arm moved slightly, gesturing to the boy likely rehearsing and paying no mind to the two of them.

“Because of the Tumblr post.” Jason’s face grew more confused, and it dawned on Nadia that he hadn’t even been aware of that. “Shit. You haven’t heard.” It wasn’t a question.

“Nadia, please, what happened?” His voice was still quiet, and something in Nadia’s chest pulled as she felt the need to… protect him? It wasn’t often that his voice grew this genuine and gentler side, where the wrong words could pull back down his smiling facade that he showed to everyone but her in rare moments.

“Someone wrote a post on the school Tumblr, announcing that he’s gay. The post was disgusting and awful, but Peter says it’s true. That he’s gay.”

“Shit.” It wasn’t much more than a whisper from his mouth.

“You’re cool with him, right? Lucas, Ivy, Tanya and I have been trying to get people off his back all day.”

“Dia, of course I am-” Nadia eyes widened for a second at the use of her old childhood nickname, but she frowned when his voice cut out. 

“Okay.” She placed her hand on his arm, waiting for him to meet her eyes. “Don’t feel guilty because it’s your teammates. Peter’s still your friend. He asked about you at lunch, he was worried you were like them.”

“I’m not.”

“I know.”

“But… Dad, and the school.”

“You’re worried if they know we’re supportive.” Jason nodded after a second of hesitation. She knew any consequence would reflect mostly on him, if not completely. “It’ll be okay.” She didn’t know what could be said.

Jason nodded again, not looking at her. “Yeah. ‘Course. Thanks.”

She caught his arm quickly before he walked off, a small thought that had appeared over all the years she’s known her brother coming to the front of her mind. “You know it’s fine, right? There’s nothing wrong with it.” She tried to meet his eyes properly, to tell him that she knows him, but he smiled and nodded like he didn’t believe her words, and walked back into rehearsal. She stood back, biting her lip. She worried for him, for Peter, and for the stability of their whole group.

* * *

It’s been a week since then, with tiring rehearsals, boring classes, painfully slow Mass and frustrating classmates flying past. 

The bullying Peter had been facing seems to have eased, something new on the Tumblr or within the students filling the hallway gossip, to the relief of Nadia and the others, though Peter stays anxious over it. Nadia doesn’t tell Peter about her conversation with Jason, but watches as Jason stays quieter when Peter’s around, and she continues to worry about two of the most important people to her falling out and leaving her stranded in the middle.

She focuses on not tripping over her feet as she walks through the hallway, sending the occasional glare to someone who’ll notice Peter and try and comment or whisper something. 

“Honestly, I’m grateful for tech week. I know it’s gonna be hell, but it means no class and I’m really happy to avoid the assholes for almost two weeks.” Ivy is saying, leading them around the corner.

“You say this every year, and every year you announce your hatred for tech week after a day.” Peter smiles slightly.

“Shh. This year I’m gonna enjoy it as our last tech week, in a show with so many of my friends, before we finally get out of this hellhole of a school.’

Usually, Nadia would take the opportunity to insult Ivy, to make a comment about how she expected her to find a different way to enjoy the end approaching, but she doesn’t. Ever since term started, she and Ivy seem to be on a truce for the time being, and Nadia honestly doesn’t feel the usual want to humiliate her or call the attention of the room to Nadia’s words.

Maybe it’s just priorities, or the maturity she’s been waiting eighteen years for.

Ivy laughs over whatever Peter had responded with, and something ugly flares up in Nadia’s chest.

Yeah, whatever truce they may have, it doesn’t mean she can suddenly tolerate her.

Nadia mutters an excuse and turns on her heel once they’re in sight of their lunch table, taking her books out to the football field for some fresh air and quiet. However, instead of an empty field and quiet, when she opens the doors she is faced with a wall of noise as a soccer game plays out, and it takes her three seconds to find Jason’s shirt in the group of boys running.

_ Well, a distraction’s a distraction _ .

Nadia has never cared about boys the way the other girls she knows have. Tanya is so in love with Lucas it’s painful to watch sometimes, and Ivy is… well, Nadia could say plenty of things about Ivy and every single boy in the school. Nadia doesn’t care. She doesn’t care when Tanya asks her about boys, doesn’t care when Ivy comments at her being alone, doesn’t care when her mother expresses her disappointment for Nadia not being able to do one good thing and at least find a man who’ll put up with her.

Some things in life matter more than boys.

Like her Biology homework. She sits beside the field and opens her notebook, the noise of the game fading into the background as she puts in earphones and focuses on the heredity notes in front of her.

That focus lasts about a minute before a particularly loud yell in the game catches her attention, and she looks up just in time to see Jason collide harshly with another player, her wincing at the sound of the impact as Jason staggers to his feet with a slight sway. He notices her and gives a wave and a grin, so she nods back with a small smile, and returns to her textbook in hopes that she can achieve anything close to the level of success everyone seems to expect from her.

* * *

CHAT:  _ JASON FINALLY BEAT TANYA AT MARIOKART (he’s a bitch)  _

Ivy: i hate tech week.

Peter: Called it!

Tanya: yup babes we know

Lucas: This year too?

Ivy: every year i forget how bad it is

Nadia: it’s annual torture.

Peter: Which I reminded you!!

Tanya: there hasn’t been a big bad thing happen yet tho

Ivy: WELL NOW THERE WILL BE

Nadia: every. year.

* * *

Watching Jason play soccer becomes a pattern for the next week. Between rehearsal every day in the chaos of tech week, and the exhaustion of her almost permanent frustration at the other students of St. Cecilia’s, it’s a nice change to sit by herself and not have to worry about anyone else.

Aside from her dumbass twin brother apparently, who throws himself so hard into a tackle that he’s now limping off the field near her.

“Jesus shit, why did you do that?” She curses as he reaches her, anticipating his shrug but rolling her eyes at it all the same. “Sit.”

He collapses gracelessly beside her, narrowly missing her textbooks as she moves them quickly. “Was gonna anyway, I’m not allowed to play rest of today since it’s bleeding.” Shit, was it? A quick look at his knee told her- yep. 

“So.”

He turns to her, “So?”

“Why are you trying to break your entire body right before the play opens by playing every day?”

His shoulders tense and his hands wring together in front of him, a behaviour Nadia knows as defensive. “Just got a lot on my mind.”

“Right. And if you kick the ball hard enough, it’ll go?”

“Something like that.” He shifts slightly and winces as his leg moves.

Nadia sighs, closing her book and facing him properly. “I’d rather you take out whatever anger you have in the game than on Peter, but you need to calm down, Jason.”

Jason’s entire body tenses, his voice immediately dropping to an almost-whisper. “What does Peter have to do with this?”

She pauses, watching boys running on the field, students walking around, and decides. “Let’s go to your room.” He sighs but doesn’t argue, grabbing her bag with his own and standing up with a slight wince, walking stubbornly on his own with a hidden limp. He refuses to give her bag back, despite her attempts to take it out of his hand because apparently he’s frustratingly quicker than her even when injured, and his height is yet again an advantage over her.

They’re both laughing by the time they reach his room, which she shoulders open as she tries to pull her bag out of his grasp one last time, failing again as he closes the door behind them. 

“You’re the worst.” She grumbles, collapsing on his bed as he sits next to her.

“What did you want to talk about?” His voice is significantly stiffer - as are his shoulders - but she knows that trying to ease into anything won’t serve either of them well.

“Why haven’t you been at lunch?” She asks.

“Why haven’t you?” Okay, they were doing this.

“I asked first.”

“I’m older.”

“Are you-  _ by twelve minutes!  _ ”

“And?” He’s smiling as she shoves his shoulder, but as she shifts her legs to face him more, the smile drops.

“I mean it. Have you been avoiding us? Avoiding Peter?” It’s a cheap shot, throwing in Peter’s name again, but she notices how he stares at her as soon as she mentions his name.

“I’m not avoiding anyone.”

“But you are.” She looks at him carefully and watches the exact moment he gives in.

“Look, there’s just a lot of attention on him, and I’d rather not be caught in it- or add to it.” He looks down at his hands, and Nadia almost holds her breath. “I don’t want people looking at me. I don’t want to be reminded that I already feel guilty.”

Her voice is quiet when she responds. “Why do you feel guilty?”

Jason’s face twists. “I- I’ve done some things I’m not proud of.  _ I’m  _ someone I’m not proud of. I’m not the assholes you’ve been fighting off, but I’m not good. I’m not the fucking golden boy everyone wants me to be.” There’s a vulnerability in the quietness of his voice, as well as hurt, and Nadia’s breath hitches in her throat.

“You don’t have to be-”

“But I do, Nadia. You and I both know that there’s no one else I can be to Mom and Dad.”

She nods stiffly, speaking past the lump in her throat. “I know. But you don’t have to be that for me. I’m your twin sister, Jase, please tell me you can trust me.”

He looks up at her, and she knows that the tears building in his eyes are identical to her own. “I trust you. But I don’t know if I can- it’s not-” He breathes heavily, and she places one hand over his. “I’m not supposed to be, but I’ve spent so long hoping otherwise and I  _ know  _ -”

Nadia knows. With his voice, his words that he can’t speak, the emotions he tries so hard to bite back, she feels every small thought or doubt in her mind that knows her brother. “Are you saying what I think you’re trying to?” Her voice is even shakier than his, and the tears spill out of her eyes down her cheeks when he nods, just once.

“I’ve spent so long trying to deny it, to just make Dad proud, to be someone God accepts, but it’s so hard. I tried to act normal, and I thought about lying and making it work with Ivy but I couldn’t do it to her, to everyone, to  _ him _ . It’s not okay, but I am.”

Nadia doesn’t hesitate now, she wraps her arms around him and holds her (twin, slightly older, taller, perfect- no,  _ not perfect  _ ) brother as he bites back sobs.

_ Has he ever said the words aloud?  _

“It’s okay, you’re okay, I love you.”

There’s something heartbreakingly artistic about the image the two of them make: The snidey, pessimistic sister crying and holding her seemingly flawless brother as he breaks down, admitting the darkest part of himself she doesn’t think he’s ever told to anyone.

She loves him. A part of her thinks she’s never loved him more.

He moves out of her arms after a few minutes, wiping his face roughly and not meeting her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to be.” His words repeat in her mind as she watches him:  _ “I couldn’t do it to her, to everyone, to  _ him.  _ ”  _

Silence falls, Jason’s breathing slowly steadying before Nadia speaks again. 

“Who’s ‘him’?”

Jason’s head drops, and she knows he heard her and is thinking of whoever he is. He lifts his chin to meet her eyes and just looks at her sadly.

_ Oh.  _

“Oh.”

“...Yeah.”

“Peter.” Nadia almost whispers his name, and Jason hesitates but nods. His behaviour seems to fall into place, almost completely making sense, but she knows better than to try and figure it out when he’s already shown so much of himself.

“He doesn’t- can’t know it’s me. I’ve let him down too.” There’s a history behind his words, deeper than she could know, but she simply squeezes his hand and tries to push all questions out of her mind for now.

“I would never tell anyone.”

“I know.”

She steadies herself with a breath and looks at him even as he looks at their hands. “I love you, Jase, more than anyone else. I can’t know what you’re going through, aside from what I can see myself here and at home. You know enough how much shit there is to tell you otherwise, but you deserve to be happy, Jason. Completely happy.” Nadia wipes her cheek from tears with the sweater sleeve of her free hand and notices Jason’s frown. “I can’t tell you what to do, or what I think you should do. But I love you, and I accept you. Whatever you have to face, I’m here by your side.”

Jason stands suddenly, pulling her up and hugging her properly, his arms wrapping around her shoulders as hers wrap around him, their breathing slowing together. It’s a rare moment for the two, but so is everything about them being in the room together.

When they pull apart, Jason has a small smile on his face, even with red eyes and blotchy cheeks. “You’re the best sister anyone could ask for.”

“I’m still a bit of an asshole.”

“And I love you for it.” His hand moves to mess up her hair, and she swats it away with a glare.

“Don’t push it.”

His smile is genuine as it spreads across his face. “Love you too.”

There’s more they could talk about, things to worry about, more that they both need to do, conversations that need to be had with others, but Jason raises an eyebrow and reaches slightly for a pillow on his bed with a grin, and for a few more minutes, they’re just stupid teenagers laughing to stop themselves thinking too hard.

* * *

After rehearsal ends that afternoon, she and Jason end up putting away costumes together, and he smiles at her as he leaves towards the dorms. There’s quiet contentment in her veins as she walks towards her own room, a happy change from the worry and anger she’s felt for… a long time.

The worry and anger return a second later when she sees Ivy and Peter talking in the dorm hallway between her and Ivy’s rooms. 

They haven’t seen her, but she can see the side of each of their faces. Ivy is angry, saying something in a quiet voice to Peter, who looks devastated.

_ What the hell has Ivy done now?  _

Peter nods sadly to whatever Ivy has said, and walks down the hallway in the opposite direction to Nadia. Ivy watches him go for a second, her face still angry, before she turns to go back into her room.

“What the hell did you say to him?” Nadia walks forward towards her, and Ivy jumps at her voice before crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

“You spying on people now?” Ivy hisses, and the animosity between them is almost comforting to fall back into.

Nadia rolls her eyes, almost automatic. “Let me guess, you couldn’t handle Peter being a guy that didn’t want to fuck you, so you had to ruin that friendship a different way.” The words are cruel.

Ivy’s eyes burn with anger - rare, compared to her usual dismissal - as she steps closer to Nadia. “You don’t know anything about what’s going on or anything about me! This has nothing to do with you, so why don’t you stop trying to make everything about you.”

“Yes it does, because if you’re just another one of the dickheads that I thought we were protecting Peter from, I need to know I’ve been wasting my time trying to play nice with you.”

To her credit, Ivy’s eyes widen as if she hadn’t realised how the conversation had looked to outside eyes, before she settles into another scowl. “I am  _ not  _ one of those assholes. I thought we were on the same page-”

“Then why did whatever you said to him have him looking like he wanted the ground to eat him where he stood?”

“Because sometimes even good people have to face the consequences of their actions!” Ivy yells, and both girls fall silent and stare at each other.

Nadia’s voice is hesitant. “What did Peter do?”

Ivy huffs, glaring at Nadia in silence for a second longer before walking to her room and pausing outside the door. “You wanna know so bad? Fine.” She pushes the door open and walks through, and after a moment, Nadia follows her inside, closing the door behind her.

Seeing Ivy’s room again, when it’s not decorated for a party, is almost whiplash, reminding her of years previous being her roommate. There’s still fairy lights strung up, the same white bedspread she’s had for years, and various clothes placed around the room - never crumpled up, but always scattered. 

“I’m honestly not surprised you assumed I was the bad guy.” Ivy bites, sitting on her bed and facing Nadia as she stands in the middle of the room.

“Then prove me wrong. What could Peter have done that was so terrible?”

“Matt came up to me during rehearsal-”

“He’ll avoid us at lunch but still talk to you, wow,” Nadia mutters.

Ivy’s eyes narrow and her voice raises slightly. “Can you shut up for a minute and let me tell you before you start being your usual self? Cause if not, you can go, and think whatever you want about me.” 

Nadia’s eyes widen and she raises her hands, begrudgingly staying quiet as her curiosity wins over her annoyance at Ivy.

Ivy sighs and continues. “Matt came up to me. He was the one who made the post outing Peter.” Nadia’s mouth opens to insult him, but she falls silent at Ivy’s glare. “He told me that he found out Peter’s gay from seeing his email, or something, and he had threatened to out him unless Peter helped Matt hook up with me.”

“He blackmailed him?” Nadia breathes out, but Ivy keeps speaking as if she didn’t hear her.

“So Peter helped him. He manipulated me, to try and fulfil Matt’s sick desires. All the rehearsals, hanging out in a group, going out to town after Jason rejected me, he was just using me-” She cuts off to take a breath. “I thought he was different, that he didn’t see me as everyone else in this school does, how  _ you  _ see me, but of course he does. He knew I didn’t have feelings for Matt, but he tried to save himself before even thinking of me.”

“I don’t think he ever thought of it that way,” Nadia says before she thinks, and Ivy’s glare fixes on her again.

“Of course. Why did I expect you to ever side with me, on anything.”

Nadia shakes her head and, almost on instinct, sits on a chair across from Ivy. “Ivy, if Matt outed Peter, doesn’t that mean that Peter didn’t do what he wanted?” Ivy freezes and Nadia knows she’s thinking. “You know Peter. You’ve seen what he’s faced after being outed, of course he’d try and do anything to prevent it, but he’s still Peter. Stupidly sweet, literally like a puppy, trying to make others smile, always telling me to be nicer to you.”

“But he still did. I know he was in a difficult spot, but he of all people should understand that you can’t be manipulated like that into shit.” Her voice is softer, and Nadia’s distantly reminded of quiet nights of conversation in their shared room, years ago.

“I think he does understand, I just don’t think he was thinking of what it meant to you. What you said, about him thinking that of you, I don’t think he does at all. I think this shows that  _ Matt  _ did.” Ivy frowns, and Nadia continues. “What did he say?”

“He basically just confessed to it, said he was sorry. He seemed shocked that I knew.” Nadia doesn’t say anything as Ivy thinks, before sighing and running a hand through her hair. “Am I the asshole?”

“No.” And wow, it feels weird to be defending Ivy. “It’s not your fault. It was still shitty, but I don’t think it’s all his fault either. He shouldn’t have done it, yeah, but he never wanted to, right? He’s always seen you as more than your stupid reputation.”

Of all the things, the last words catch Ivy’s attention. “You think it’s stupid? You’re the one always spreading it.”

Maybe it’s a culmination of facing homophobes for the last two weeks, seeing Jason break, watching Peter a few minutes ago, and Ivy’s shaking hands in front of her, but Nadia can’t find the energy to lie.

“You have so much handed to you because you’re pretty, you’re so damn perfect, it’s fucking exhausting to be constantly outshined by you. Yeah, what Peter did was shitty, but now he lost the chance to come out on his own, and he'll never get that back, because of what Matt did.” Nadia shrugs, remembering Ivy’s words to her earlier. “It might not be about you as much as you think it is.”

Ivy’s watching her with an odd expression. “I’m not perfect.”

“I know that, but half this school would argue otherwise.”

That startles a laugh out of Ivy. “Half the school, maybe, but the other half is happy when I’ll smile and spread my legs.” Nadia frowns at the bitterness choking in Ivy’s words, but the other girl just shakes her head. “You’re lucky. You don’t care what people think, you have your family, you’re just... yourself.”

_ How the hell did they get to talking about this?  _

“My family are assholes, and I care a lot more than you think about how people see me.”

“Why?” Ivy looks genuinely confused, and Nadia chokes out a laugh.

“Really? I’m Jason’s sister, and can never catch up with him in our parents' eyes. There’s you, perfect Juliet, while the fat girl plays the Nurse behind you. It’s fucking high school, of course I care.”

“I always thought you didn’t care. I envied that about you.”

Nadia’s mouth drops open in surprise. “You envied me? You hate me!”

“I don’t hate you, you hate me!”

“I don’t hate you either.” 

Ivy’s eyes widen. “You don’t?”

“No.” Nadia sighs. “You annoy me, for how much you take things for granted, but I don’t hate you. Even if I pretend to.” She swallows and looks at Ivy. “I’m sorry, for what it’s worth. For thinking you’re perfect, for being a spectacular asshole.”

“I’m sorry, too. I’ve said shit, even when I knew…”

Nadia shrugs, and the two fall into an almost comfortable silence.

Nadia thinks of how her day managed to turn out: Jason had broken down and come out to her in an afternoon that ended in a pillow fight, and somehow her accusation of Ivy being a homophobe had come to them apologising to each other for years of rivalry.

“Imagine if Peter could see us now.” Ivy smiles and Nadia rolls her eyes yet again, but there’s amusement in there until a thought sets in.

“Did Matt really write that post?  _ Our  _ Matt?” Nadia asks after another pause, and Ivy frowns.

“Yeah.”

“God, what a dick.”

That makes Ivy smile. “Yeah.” She repeats, looking down. “He asked me out right before Christmas, and I rejected him.”

“Shit, he did actually ask you out?” Nadia says, then it dawns on her. “Oh. Before Christmas. Before he made the post.  _ Oh.  _ ”

“I can’t put the two versions of Matt in my head together. The awkward nerd I’m friends with, and this person who’s done this to Peter...and me. I hate what he’s done.” Ivy says with a nod, and Nadia smiles slightly despite herself.

“Not angry at Peter?”

“Oh, no, I’m still annoyed, and I still need to process that, but… Matt.”

Even without Ivy explaining it, Nadia knows. “Me too.” They smile at each other, and something twists in Nadia’s chest.

There’s more they should maybe talk about, more to apologise for, more for Nadia to think about, but she feels the quiet contentment filling her again as she sits across her… friend? She tells herself that she’ll deal with everything else later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, just a note, nadia's moments with ivy aren't meant to be pre-nadivy, simply the beginning of maybe a friendship, but read however you wish :))


	10. i keep moving forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening night arrives, and Peter faces a threat, an apology, forgiveness, comfort, a gift, friendship, and makes an offering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter twenty-seven of svthsa  
> it's the start of peter x jason week! this is counting as my contribution for day one: friendship, because i love this group of fictional kids, and they love each other.

By opening night, barely anyone looks at Peter in the hallways. It’s comforting and disheartening at the same time, to know that he mattered to others for such a short time only because it was the new gossip. 

Currently, Peter sits backstage during what was supposed to be his first period English, frowning as he fiddles with his mask and waits to be called on stage for their final run-through before opening that night. He can hear Nadia and Ivy rehearsing on stage, the latter girl’s voice saddening Peter as he remembers their confrontation a few days back in the hallway of the girls’ dorms.

The guilt still sat uncomfortably in his stomach, how he had thought of Ivy’s feelings about Jason, but now how he had been using her exactly how Matt was using him.

Matt, who was still avoiding him everywhere he could, and hadn’t spoken a word outside of Shakespearean to him in two weeks.

But tonight is the opening night, then it's just five performances, then the last four months of high school… then freedom. 

Blue hasn’t emailed him in over a week, and although there is a small comfort in the lack of automated error responses meaning that Blue’s email still exists, there is a bigger hurt over the complete silence from the boy.

Peter doesn’t know who he could target his anger on there.

He doesn't notice the loss of noise around until he looks up at the mirror in front of him, seeing Matt standing behind him looking almost anxious.

"Can we talk?" Matt says, voice quiet despite no one being around the two. 

"I don't have anything I want to say." 

"Will you listen, then?" 

Peter wants to push past him, leave and lose him in the streams of students running around in a panic backstage, but instead, he stays still and turns to face Matt.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I never thought all of this would happen- I really didn't think people would act like that to you."

Of course Matt can't just apologise for what he did. 

"So you're sorry for what happened to me after, but not sorry for blackmailing me, or outing me to the entire school and community?"

Matt has the decency to look ashamed, hunching his shoulders but still looking at Peter. "I was angry, I really didn't think it'd be that big a deal."

Peter almost laughs in disbelief but stops himself as he stands and faces Matt directly. Every negative emotion he's felt over the last month comes rising up to the top: disgust, anger, heartbreak, shame.

"You want me to say something? Fine. I think you’re an asshole. Don’t even pretend you didn’t know what would happen, because whatever you were feeling, you knew what you were doing You told everyone, knowing what people say and think, on the fucking  _ Tumblr _ , where God knows who saw it.”

Matt looks completely ashamed now, eyes lowered and avoiding Peter entirely, as he opens his mouth to respond, but Peter isn’t done. 

“And you know what? You don't get to decide that it’s not that big a deal. My coming out was supposed to be  _ mine _ , to choose who I trust to know this- this part of me that’s hurt for seventeen years, and you took every freedom and choice I had. I’m supposed to decide when and where and how and who knows… and you took that all away from me. And you brought Blue into it as well? You're a bad person, Matt, and a worse friend.” His throat tightens as he speaks even as he forces his voice to at least sound somewhat steady, his glare not relenting.

Matt looks like he’s about to cry, as he still refuses to meet Peter’s eyes. “I’m sorry.” He repeats. He walks out, leaving Peter alone and closing the door behind him. The quiet click of the door closing echoes like the loudest sound Peter’s heard in his life, and the second it shuts, he starts sobbing.

* * *

A tradition of the winter play opening night was the first performance given to the students of St. Cecilia’s as a matinee before the fiasco of opening night.

Despite knowing this, and having been part of the tradition the last four years, Peter still feels his anxiety bubbling as students filter in on the other side of the curtain, as the students in the cast move around in the fifteen minutes before curtains are set to rise. 

“Stop moving,” Nadia says from where she sits directly opposite him, holding an eyeliner pencil a few inches from his right eye. “Or I’m gonna poke your eye out.”

“Sorry.”

He struggles to not blink as she draws on the bottom line of his eye as well, waiting until the pencil is away from his face before speaking again.

“Your parents aren’t coming to the show… are they?” He asks quietly.

“No.” Nadia’s frown deepens. “Yours?”

Peter shrugs. “I don’t know. My mum said she was getting my family to come, but I haven’t spoken to her since Christmas break.”

_ Since I tried to come out and she wouldn’t let me. _

Nadia’s quiet for a second as she puts the eyeliner away. “Would you want her to still come?”

“Yeah, I think so.” 

He doesn’t know how to express his conflicting feelings, his longing to look out to the audience and see her watching him, for her to do the smallest thing to just show that he was more important than her faith, but not wanting her there if all she was going to do was ignore everything he tried to say and who he was.

“I hope she comes then.” They share a slight smile before Sister Chantelle comes up to them.

“Peter, can I have a word?” Even though their first complete performance is in ten minutes, Sister Chantelle’s face looks calm, her usual anger still to come.

Peter shares a look with Nadia, who shrugs but turns to talk to a passing Ivy instead.

_ What? _

“Did something happen, Sister?” Peter asks as she leads him to a quiet corner of the dressing room where most of the seniors in the cast seem to be set up.

Sister Chantelle looks tired, as if this was the straw that broke her back on top of the stress of teenagers and opening the play tonight. “Something just happened which I’m in the process of dealing with, but I believe you deserve to know about. One or a few of your classmates have taken it upon themselves to vandalise the cast list, and wrote some disgusting things over your name and photo.”

Immediately, Peter can guess what was written. “Oh.”

“Yes. Rory’s removing and replacing it now, but I thought you should know what happened. The curtain goes up in ten, and I intend to have a quick chat to the students before we start about exactly what won’t be accepted here, but if you’d prefer I can delay or cancel the performance-”

“Don’t.” The word is out of Peter’s mouth before he thinks, and it seems to take SIster Chantelle by surprise. 

“What?”

“Please don’t. It’ll just bring more attention to me, and it’s only just gone away. It’s fine. Just- please don’t cancel or change it.”

“If you’re sure.” Peter nods, and Sister Chantelle hesitates only a second before turning and barking out directions to wandering students.

He doesn’t want to think long about it, else it hurts again, but he knows that the high chance that Blue is out there, waiting to see him perform, is enough to make him want the show to go on without a fuss, as well as despising the attention a cancellation would bring on him.

Peter stands in the wings when Sister Chantelle steps out to address the students, Lucas beside him.

“Rory told us what happened.” Lucas had said minutes earlier when Peter caught his and Tanya’s sympathetic looks. “Only our group, not the rest of them. It’s shit.”

Peter had huffed out a humourless laugh with a nod, and Lucas stayed beside him now, after Tanya disappeared to get into costume with Ivy and the other girls. He hadn't seen Nadia since she did his eyeliner, and Jason seemed to be a ghost all morning and afternoon, despite Lucas’ confirmation of his appearance backstage.

Quiet falls over the students in the audience, and Peter pitifully wonders what Blue’s doing.

“Good afternoon, students. Now, as I’m sure you all are aware, you’re about to see an exclusive early performance of our winter play, Romeo & Juliet. But, before we get there, some things need to be discussed.”

Sister Chantelle continues speaking, as the students lose focus and start speaking amongst themselves, occasionally quieting when she raises her voice or pulls out her Bible to quote from, but Peter doubts that many are actively listening to her. 

Lucas sighs and sends him a look when Sister Chantelle says something about tolerance, but Peter feels numb.

A big part of him wants to go back to his room and lie under his blankets with his headphones on, but he stands still and watches as Sister Chantelle walks back into the wings, her eyes bright with a stubborn determination and authority in every step she takes.

“Let’s put on this show, we’ve put in enough damn effort.” She nods to a stage director, the curtains open, and two juniors playing Sampson and Gregory walk out on stage speaking their lines.

The show goes well, the few stumbles or stutters overshadowed by the choreography, sword fighting, and acting. Ivy is perfectly sweet as Juliet, Nadia cynical as the Nurse, Tanya quietly sassy as Lady Capulet compared to Diane’s more flustered Lady Montague. Lucas is so himself even under the face of Benvolio, Matt is snarky as Tybalt, Peter makes his way through Mercutio’s lines, and Jason charms everyone as Romeo.

Not for the first time, he curses life for being so much more complicated than a simple play performance.

* * *

Peter thinks about returning to his room in the few hours he has between Sister Chantelle dismissing them after the matinee and when they’re expected to reconvene before opening night, but he ends up sitting on the stage with his friends, listening to Nadia talk.

He’s half-listening to her, half zoning out completely, so he jumps when Ivy appears beside him.

“Can I sit here?”

“Sure?” He pauses, “I didn’t think-”

“I’m sorry, Peter.” He mouth almost drops open at her words, being the last thing he expected her to say.

“Are you kidding me? I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think, despite everything, and… I’m sorry.”

Ivy shrugs, a familiar small smile on her face. “Eh, I’ve thought about it, and you get a pass when you’re being blackmailed.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Plus, I may have talked to someone who… helped me see more of the issue.” Peter tilts his head in confusion, but Ivy’s tight-lipped smile is mysterious and she doesn’t say anything else.

“I’m still sorry for it. You were right, I of all people should have thought about how manipulative it was.”

Her smile smooths into something softer. “Thank you. I know it wasn’t all you, and I still want to talk it out with Matt because he was my friend, but I missed my best friend a lot.” She leans her head on his shoulder, and Peter never thought the return of such a small gesture could relieve so much of his stress.

“Finally, you two good?” Tanya suddenly calls over to the two of them, a smirk on her face. “I thought we were gonna have to deal with your tension for at least a week longer, it was insufferable.”

Nadia smacks her arm. “Leave them alone.”

That stops everyone, as all the faces around the stage to turn to her in shock, Lucas speaking first. “Nadia Antoinette McConnell -”

“That’s not my middle name, Lucas, what the fuck.”

“- did you just defend Ivy Louise Robinson -”

“Not my middle name either.”

“- from teasing?”

Nadia’s arms cross over her chest. “What? I can be nice.”

Even Jason raises an eyebrow. “Not often, and not to Ivy.” He turns to Ivy quickly. “No offence, Ivy.”

Ivy shrugs. “It’s true… or at least, it was.” All the eyes shift to her, and she laughs. “Look, Nadia and I… we don’t hate each other, okay? Let’s not make a big deal out of it.”

There’s silence for a few moments before Lucas breaks it. “I feel like we should throw another party to celebrate this.”

Everyone laughs, and Peter smiles.

* * *

A text from his mother comes hours later when he’s sitting on a table, holding a mug of hot chocolate and listening to music on his phone.

CHAT:  _ Mom _

Mom: Break a leg tonight, Peter!

Peter: Are you coming?

Mom: Not tonight. Something came up.

A presence in the doorway startles him into looking up, seeing Sister Chantelle watching him.

“Did something happen again?”

She shakes her head and gestures for him to sit again, standing across from him. “I just wanted a word with you.”

Painfully familiar dread settles in his stomach at those words, even as he tells himself to calm down.

“Are your family coming tonight?”

He frowns down at the phone in his hand. “Not tonight.”

That almost surprises her. “Your mother is usually at opening night, did something happen?”

“Not really. She just…” Peter doesn’t want to bare his entire soul to her but doesn’t want to lie either. “She has other things to worry about.” He finishes lamely, not lifting his head.

If he was looking, he would see the conflicting emotions that pass over Sister Chantelle’s face in the next few seconds, before she watches him with a confident yet almost sympathetic raised eyebrow.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, Peter.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Peter.” He meets her eyes, and her expression stays the same. “I know more about what happens with my students than you seem to realise. Talk to me.”

Peter hesitates, then decides to tell a half-truth. “I don’t know what God wants from me.”

Sister Chantelle nods. “Okay. I’m gonna say this, and I want you to hear it.” She purposefully looks into Peter’s eyes. “God made you perfectly, in his light. Nothing the church, or your family, may say will change that. He ain’t making no mistakes, else everyone’d look like me, you know this. The people that are gonna know God’s fury are those spreading lies about His word and what He wants from us.”

“Sister-”

“Nuh-uh, let me finish. God is love. Nobody will have all the answers you seek, but you deserve to be yourself. If you hide from yourself, try and be someone else for someone else's sake… that would be the greatest mistake.” Peter nods, trying to hide the tears welling up in his eyes, but Sister’s Chantelle smile back is just as emotional. “God’s got your back, Peter, and so do I.”

Within a second, Peter jumps up and hugs her, her only surprise showing in her short laugh as her arms come back around his shoulders.

* * *

“Alright, everyone, this is it. I want everyone in costume- button it up, Kyra. You finally learnt the harmony for the prologue, thank you, Jesus, now I just need you to go and do the show like we’ve rehearsed so Sister Chantelle can get her raise, thank you.” An hour later, Sister Chantelle is ordering everyone around as the cast gather backstage in the minutes before the curtains go up for their opening night performance.

“Wait, Sister, can I have a second?” Lucas jumps in, smiling cheerily at her slow glare until she sighs.

“Make it quick, Lucas.”

“Thank you! Hey, everyone. I don’t have anything to say, but I thought our leading lady and man should say a word as their final opening night here!” He turns and gestures to Ivy and Jason, who look amusingly annoyed and taken aback, respectively.

Ivy’s quick to step forward and take the attention. “I don’t want to think about this being the last one, save that for closing night. For now, there’s nothing I can say that Sister Chantelle hasn’t said already. We know how to do this show, even if we don’t  _ really _ get what the words mean still.” Sister Chantelle rolls her eyes, and some of the students laugh. “Let’s make people sad!”

Eyes shift expectantly to Jason, and he smiles slightly, an expression Peter’s come to recognise as his performance smile. “Ivy said it perfectly. Break a leg, everyone.”

As the students disperse, Jason punches Lucas’ arm with a mock glare. “Asshole.”

“I’m your best friend!”

“You wish.” Jason laughs, and Peter’s quietly relieved to see him look genuinely happy, rather than the quiet expression he usually sees him with, ever since Christmas break.

Lucas falls back against Tanya despite her protests. “Wounded. Babe, help me, Jason broke my heart.”

“I’m gonna break your arm if you move any closer to my hair.” Tanya teases, sounding serious enough that Lucas jumps up quickly, freezing at her smirk. They lean into each other, and the rest of the group turn to each other.

“I could simply be being overdramatic, but I’m glad nothing more… ‘intense’ happened before tonight.” Ivy says.

Nadia raises an eyebrow. “You’re always overdramatic.” Ivy mirrors her slight smile as she continues, “but I agree. The last few weeks were enough shit.” 

“We’re okay now.” Peter’s words are quieter, but he knows from both of the girls’ expressions that they know the depth to his words, as Nadia smiles and Ivy squeezes his hand. He sees Jason fiddling with his costume jacket out of the corner of his eyes, an anxious tick he wouldn’t have prescribed to him, but doesn’t comment on it.

Honestly, he’s just happy Jason is almost acting normal with him again, after the last couple of weeks of awkward avoidance and silence. 

“You guys ready to open?” Matt’s voice cuts through Peter’s thoughts, and their whole group goes silent.

Peter knows that they had all noticed Matt’s absence from their usual group since Christmas, and he thinks the girls and Jason had chalked it up to lowkey homophobia, but he knows Lucas and now Ivy know what Matt had done. Looking at his friends, including a returned and visibly messier Lucas and Tanya, he almost feels guilt over the intensity of glares Matt was receiving from everyone but Jason.

Almost.

He might be feeling more empathetic if he wasn’t also glaring at him.

“Guess so. You?” Jason is the first to speak, seemingly realising that no one else was going to speak.

Ivy is glaring hard at Matt as she shifts minutely closer to Peter, Nadia’s quiet anger all too visible on her face, confirming Peter’s suspicion that Ivy had told her what Matt did. Lucas’ frustration wasn’t visible like those two, but his incredibly familiar smile was dropped in place of a blank stare. Tanya looked bored, and though Peter doubted Lucas told her after their conversation a couple of weeks ago, he thinks she has her own assumptions on the matter.

“Hard not to be, with it being the final one.” Matt’s still talking, only really directing the words to Jason, and  _ oh, what a change that is. _

It takes about ten seconds more of glares before Matt leaves, and the rest of the group disperse to prepare without a single one addressing it or him.

Peter fucking loves his friends. 

He doesn’t notice Jason and Nadia whispering to the side, or the fact that Jason disappears for the next two minutes despite how soon the curtain is set to rise. Who knows what might change if he  _ did  _ notice this… but he doesn’t, and the night moves on.

* * *

From the second that the curtains rise, opening night is kind of magical. Peter knows the thrill of adrenaline that comes with the night and embraces it as it comes in full force, compared to the lighter version earlier that day.

He speaks his lines with the attitude and confidence that Mercutio requires, hitting the right notes, swinging his sword on the right cues, and he feels a slight relief as Jason doesn’t shy away from catching his falling body when they reach his death scene.

Some things go wrong, but he barely remembers them all when he grabs Nadia and Lucas’ hands and bows, laughing about some stumble as they reach the senior dressing room.

He doesn’t notice the flowers until he’s right in front of his little set-up on the counter.

Two red roses tied together with a single white ribbon, a folded piece of blue construction paper also attached to them. His shaking fingers pull the note off, flipping it and trying to muffle his gasp when he reads the words, handwritten in neat, curved letters.

_ “I'm sacrificing my freedom, and all just to get somebody to see me. Nobody said it was easy. - Blue” _

A Ben Platt lyric. Peter remembers recommending his music, in an email that feels like another lifetime.

_ He’s real, and he’s given me something. _

“You good, Peter?” Ivy’s voice comes from behind, a second before she pokes her head around his shoulder and sees the flowers. He hides the blue note in one hand before she sees it as well, though her attention is fully on the flowers. “Pretty. From your mom?”

“No. She didn’t come.” Those words shock her more than the flowers, and he sees her eyes light up a second before she grows a smile.

“An admirer?”

Peter looks at the flowers, and something grows in his throat. “No. Not really.”

Ivy seems to sense that she won’t get much else out of him, turning away and disappearing behind the divide set up for the girls.

Peter thinks of leaving the auditorium holding the flowers, and almost immediately he feels a flare of anger at Blue.

He can sneak him flowers into his dressing room, handwritten note and all, but can’t even respond to his email for two weeks?

A part of his mind doesn’t want to think about Blue sitting in the auditorium, looking for him, and another part feels nothing but bitter anger at the double standards of the boy that he cares so much for.

He slides the roses carefully into the inner pocket of his coat when he leaves to return to his room, sliding past talking families and faceless teenagers he rushes past who could be Blue, only relaxing when he’s alone in his room.

When he reaches his room, he carefully places the roses down on the desk, not even taking the note off them, and sits down at his desk. He opens his laptop to his Pan email and clicks on the very first email.

Peter spends the whole night rereading all the emails between them, every subject line, word, and post scriptum. Every talk of fear, dreams, family and secrecy.

Who Blue really is is still a mystery, but Peter feels his growing heartbeat and soft smile, and knows he’s falling for him all over again.

* * *

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Jan. 24th at 9:27 AM

SUBJECT: Us. 

Blue,

I’ve spent the whole weekend trying to write this properly, wondering if you’ll respond, if you even read it, but here I am. I wanted to say this:

I know who you are, Blue. 

I don’t know what you look like, who your friends are, your real name, or what your voice sounds like. But I know who you are. You’re smart, and witty, and quietly caring towards others to not challenge the assumptions about who you are. Your family is shit, so you lie and make sure you’re safe from them and their beliefs. You’re so careful about who knows what parts of you, but you spoke to me anyway. 

But you deserve to be truly yourself, Blue, and you deserve to know that you’re accepted. We both do. You deserve a happy ending, even if that’s without me. You should know that.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, or what I want, aside from the fact that I want you. I want to know you, to talk and otherwise occupy myself with you, because you mean a lot to me and I can’t honestly imagine a scenario where I won’t want to kiss you as soon as I see you. Just wanted to be perfectly clear, despite everything. I want to talk to you as a real person, to know why you feel what you do, and what we can be without the entire school being as shit as it was to me. 

So, tonight, after the play closes, there’s this fair in town that’s open until ten. I’ll be there from around seven-thirty, and I really hope I see you.

Love, Peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's only the final chapter and the epilogue to go of my baby of a fic! they'll both be posted by the end of this week ^-^


	11. a shore worth swimming to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the play, the beginning of something new. More difficult conversations are had, and friendship is almost enough to quell the anxieties of love. And, you know, meeting the boy Peter fell in love with over emails for the first time, if Blue turns up to the offer Peter made over an email.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter three of svthsa  
> here's the moment i hope you've been waiting for, posted in time for day four of peter x jason week: first kiss.

After Peter sends the email to Blue, his heart won’t stop racing. He tries listening to Hadestown as a bittersweet reminder of Halloween, but he’s still restless, so he ends up leaving and going on a walk around town with his headphones in.

He passes the park where the fair is beginning to be set up for tonight, the voice of Freddie Mercury playing through his head as he pauses and watches the Ferris Wheel go up, smiling cynically at the immediate dismissal Blue would give him at the idea of meeting in such an iconic and visible place. He snaps out of it when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

CHAT: _Ivy Robinson_

Ivy: you’re not in your room, where are you at?

Peter: Went on a walk through town. Did you need something?

Ivy: ooh can you get me and nadia coffees??

Peter: Sure, what did you want?

Ivy: mocha and a cap

Peter: Will do, see you in fifteen minutes?

Ivy: ily!!!!!!!!!!

Ivy: nadia says ty too

Huh. Ivy and Nadia hanging out was... a recent development.

Ivy almost runs into him as he walks back into the school, three coffees in a tray on hand, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she takes him in. “Since when do you take walks on Sunday morning?” He shrugs in response, and she squints at his face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m good, Ivy. How are you?”

“...Fine.” She doesn’t seem to believe him, but takes the tray and loops her arm through his to drag him through the school until they’re outside her room.

“You and Nadia hanging out?” He asks as she opens the door.

“Talking out some stuff. Tanya was gonna come, but she got caught up with her parents arriving this morning. Lucas is sleeping, because it’s Sunday and it’s Lucas, and Nadia said to not wake Jason.”

Peter’s confused expression shifts to Nadia, who shrugs. “He’s stupidly stressed.” She pauses for a second, tilting her head at him. “Did you really go on a walk on a Sunday morning?”

“Yeah.” He frowns. “Why are you both so focused on that? It’s not that weird.”

He’s met with two disbelieving looks. “Peter, you hate exercise,” Ivy speaks first.

“I’m fine with exercise.”

“You complained consistently about PE for years.”

“Yes, Nadia, because PE sucks. Walking is fine.” The girls share an unconvinced look, and Peter sighs. “I just wanted to clear my head, okay? Nothing big.”

“Okay.” Nadia gives in, moving a pile of food Peter hadn’t noticed to the middle of their little circle. “I visited the kitchen.” She says when Peter raises an eyebrow.

They fall into an easy conversation between the three of them, Nadia and Ivy’s comments to each other less biting and more teasing, often met with a smile or a laugh, and Peter silently sends thanks for at least letting his two best friends finally act like friends themselves.

* * *

Later, Peter and Ivy are walking through the front gardens as a shortcut to the auditorium, Nadia having left them to go see Jason, when he sees a very familiar car in the visitors parking lot. He excuses himself from Ivy, who protests only for a second before seeing his destination and continuing without him.

“Mom,” Peter says when he reaches her car, where his mother had gotten out of the driver's seat just as he reached her.

“Good to see you, honey.” She hugs him, and Peter tries not to show how he freezes upon first contact.

He pulls away shortly, standing across from her with his arms crossed. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

That causes her to frown. “Of course I came, I wouldn’t miss all the work you’ve put into this.”

Neither of them speak for the next moment, neither wanting to be the first to address the note that they had left on, after Christmas break.

Peter breaks first, sighing and sliding his hands into his jacket pockets. “Did you want to go to town? We can catch up over lunch.”

His mother smiles. “I’d love that.”

They make idle chatter as they walk, mostly his mother updating him about their extended family, but Peter’s anxiety is running full-force as he tries to estimate what his mother might say about how their last conversation ended.

If it goes anything like it went last time, she’ll just keep talking over him, ignoring what she seems to know he wants to say.

_But she’s here now, so that’s a start._

“So, Peter, how was opening night?”

They’re sitting in a cafe now, the same one he and Ivy had coffee in all those weeks ago, the first day he came out to anyone he knew. He’s sure there’s some irony in returning with his mother.

“It was fine. Everything went well, you’ll see it tonight.”

“I can’t wait. I can’t believe it’s the last time you’ll perform, and with all of your friends there with you… must be relieving to have them all.”

He doesn’t tell her that he’ll likely continue acting in college, focusing instead on not imploding from worry over how quickly this conversation could potentially go downhill.

“We’ve still got a few months, Mom.”

“Oh, I know, but I’m still realising that you’re really growing up so fast. Gosh, I remember when you were fresh to the school, meeting that roommate of yours for the first time. What’s his name again?”

Peter sighs. “Lucas.”

“Right, that was it. Lucas.” She frowns. “Are you still friends with him? He seemed a bit… wild, for the school.”

Peter looks up at her, his defence quick on his tongue. “Of course. He’s one of my best friends.”

“You don’t talk that much about your friends, who were the rest?”

Peter doesn’t believe her, but he responds anyway. “Ivy, Tanya, Nadia and Jason.”

“Oh, Jason!” His mother smiles, almost fondly, and Peter tries not to visibly frown. “McConnell, right? He always seems on top of everything.”

“Yup.”

“He’s Romeo in your play as well, isn’t he?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, friends on stage and in real life, that’s sweet.”

“Sure.”

Finally, his mother seems to take in his tense shoulders. “Everything okay?”

“Why wouldn’t you let me say what I wanted to in the car after Christmas break?” Apparently, his mouth hates his brain.

“Peter, I don’t think…”

He throws all decorum out the window, knowing that being in a public place will stop her from drowning him out too much. “Don’t think we should talk about this here, or in general?” She pales, and Peter keeps his voice quiet between them. “I’ve spent almost six years trying to figure out how to tell you, and all I wanted to do was tell you before you found out yourself. But you know, don’t you?”

“Peter…” The softly sad tone of her voice gives him an answer.

He bitterly recalls her words as he left the car, all those weeks ago. “This isn’t something I can just work out on my own. I’m gay. I know, Mom. I tried to give you time, or space, or whatever, but I need to know if you still…” 

_If you still love me._

He finally said the words to start the conversation, the coming out he never got, but he can’t speak those last words.

Her eyes are glassy, and that’s enough to shock Peter into staring at her, even before she speaks. “God gave you to me, even through our struggles, so I have to believe that He has a plan, and a reason.” She lifts her chin slightly, and his memory aligns her with the strong woman who stayed silent at the comments of other parents at her being a single mother. “I love you, Peter.” Those few words are enough to break Peter’s hard look, but he’s met with a dismissive wave from his also emotional mother, as she nonchalantly wipes under her eye. “Not here, we’re in public.”

“I love you too.” They smile, and Peter didn’t know how much hurt he was holding onto regarding his mother until he feels it slowly fall away.

It’s not perfect, and it’s far from what either of them planned, but he’s happy, and she loves him.

* * *

The final performance is a bit of a blur to him, but he knows that he gets through it without messing up any of his lines or choreography.

In the middle of his Queen Mab speech, as the chorus moves with Jason in front of him, he looks out into the audience and sees his mother smiling, even recognising his father and grandmother on either side of her.

The audience reacts to his death, the improved choreography and the enhanced adrenaline of it being the final performance causing all four senior boys on stage to be just that bit riskier and flashier with their moves. When he falls back against Jason, the other boy’s hands suddenly caress his cheek for a second before pressing on his chest, and Peter’s thankful for the makeup and stage lights to hide his flush. Matt’s quick in their sword fight, without any of the recklessness of that certain rehearsal, and Peter almost thinks about smiling at him backstage afterwards.

Ivy and Jason’s death scene is heartbreaking, Peter brushing shoulders with Nadia as she goes out on stage, watching the slightly breathing forms of his other two friends leaning against each other and feeling none of the anxiety from months of wishing them apart.

The bows are dramatic, and Peter grins wide when Ivy and Tanya bring out Sister Chantelle, he and Jason presenting her with a giant bouquet the girls had organised with the whole cast. Peter curses himself for not getting her something extra, maybe a tiara, for everything she did for him in particular.

He can’t sit still as he tries to rush to get out of his makeup and costume, mind completely on Blue, and if he’s even responded.

“Peter, slow down, or you’re gonna trip yourself down the stairs.” Lucas jokes. Peter shrugs in response, leading Nadia and Ivy to exchange another unrecognisable look.

Tanya frowns. “You two have to stop being on the same wavelength. I almost liked it more when you spent every second hating each other.”

Nadia shrugs at her, her hair falling down over her shoulders as she undoes her bun. “I still think she’s obnoxious, she just knows it too, now.”

Ivy laughs. “Yeah, and you’re deflecting.” Nadia huffs and throws a hair elastic at Ivy, who catches it and turns to Peter. “Seriously, Peter, what’s got you in a rush? Didn’t you see your mom right before? Are you _trying_ to rush to see your family?”

Peter pauses, dropping the makeup wipe he stole from Tanya before he gets to his eyes, deciding to leave on the eyeliner. “Nope, just… excited for the cast party.”

“The one at the fair? Not gonna be much of a party, not compared to our one next week, but sure.” Lucas comments.

Peter knows his friends all notice - save for Jason, who has seemed to disappear off the face of the Earth again - his odd behaviour, but telling them would mean setting up expectations of Blue actually arriving tonight, not to mention having to explain who Blue even is, and he doesn’t have it in him to do that yet. “Whatever. I’ll see you guys there, I’ve gotta grab something first.” He’s in jeans and a hoodie before Ivy is even fully out of her Juliet dress, rushing out the door and past a confused Jason.

Talking with his family is less painful than he anticipates, no less awkward, but his father and the rest of the family he sees less often don’t seem to be aware of his sexuality at his point, so he’s happy to take the compliments about the play and smile through questions about his college plans. It takes him about ten minutes to come up with a reasonable excuse and walk away, thanking them for coming and promising to see them again for break soon. He doesn’t think about how many of them would ignore his calls if they knew he’s gay. Sister Chantelle smiles at him and waves him away from where she’s talking to Father Flynn beside the doors, and he all but runs until he reaches his room.

Logically, he knows that he could have just waited with his friends and gone to the fair with them, but he instead decides that he wants the note from Blue with him, in some sappy sentimental way of reminding himself of the other boy regardless if he shows up. He strips off his hoodie in exchange for a nicer sweater, picking up the blue note from his desk and going to put it into his pocket before his fingers slide against it, revealing a fold he hadn’t noticed. 

Holding his breath and with eyes quickly scanning past the words on the front he knows off by heart, he unfolds the paper and is met again with Blue’s neat handwriting.

_“I wish that I had the courage to be as proud and defiant as you are every day, your friends beside you. I love that you’re proud and brave, in ways I can’t imagine. I love that you listen to sad songs when you’re sad. I love how good your memory is. I love the way you react to everything around you. I love your perpetual bed head. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you. But if you think I don’t like who you are, Peter Simmonds, you’re wrong.”_

His heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his throat as he reads the words, yet his brain is saying nothing but ‘ _Blue. Blue. Blue’_ over and over again.

Then another thought comes into his mind: _I need to talk to him._

It’s those words that motivate him to move, folding and sliding the note into his pocket as he walks out his door, making his way to the fair where Blue might already be waiting for him.

* * *

“Peter! I thought you’d beat us here!” Ivy says as he approaches the group at the ticket booth of the fair.

“Just had to do something, what’d I miss?”

Tanya smiles from beside Lucas. “I’m bullying Lucas into going on the Tilt-A-Whirl. Wanna join? Lucas looks nauseated but smiles anyway.

“I’ll pass.” Realising the missing faces, he frowns slightly. “No McConnells?”

“They both disappeared on the way here, but they’re probably coming.” Ivy shrugs.

Lucas laughs lightly. “Hopefully Jason’s flightiness calms down now that the play’s done.” The other three turn to him in various levels of disbelief, and he rolls his eyes. “Fuck off, I know big words.” They all dissolve into laughter as they reach the front of the queue, all buying tickets and making their way through the fair. Peter stays with them but lets his eyes wander everywhere, trying to see even the slightest glimpse of someone looking for him.

It doesn’t help that he has no idea who he’s looking for.

“Where’s your mind, Peter?” Ivy startles him by coming up beside him, and he curses himself for zoning out so much.

“I’m fine, just relieved the play’s over, y’know?”

Ivy, ever the smart one when it suits her, narrows her eyes. “Does this have to do with the roses from opening night?”

“Uh-”

She grins wide, linking their arms. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You _are_ looking for a guy, aren’t you?”

“How, Ives-”

“You’re barely here, and your eyes are everywhere.” She smiles.

“Oh.”

“After everything, you more than anyone deserve to be happy.”

 _You deserve a happy ending._ His own words to Blue in his last email.

“I can’t believe my best friend is a sap.” He teases, laughing when she groans and lets go of him to walk away.

Her words are staying in his head, and his fingers run over the note in his pocket.

“Peter?” He looks up to find Ivy had paused and is watching him with a soft expression. “I hope you find him.”

_I hope so too._

* * *

But he spends almost two hours with his friends, looking around for anyone, and finds nothing. Nadia joins them after ten minutes or so without her brother, Peter brushing off her questions as Tanya drags her on another ride as Peter tries to stay optimistic. He ends up giving his last two tickets to Tanya and Lucas when Lucas begins begging his girlfriend to go on the Ferris wheel with him, laughing at their excited expressions despite Tanya’s initial mock annoyance.

By the time it’s nine-thirty, the fair is beginning to quiet down as stalls and rides prepare to close in thirty minutes, and Peter has all but given up on finding Blue. He decides to sit on a bench at the back of the park, determined to stay until ten as he told Blue he would. 

Blue. He had written a note that essentially confessed that he liked Peter, for who he really was, not just his words in the emails, and that they weren’t just done after Peter got outed despite the weeks of silence.

Peter wonders if he should be angrier, or at least feeling more conflicted, but all he wants to do is find him and feel like something has worked out from everything he did, for every part of him that wants the mysterious boy. For every part of him that loves him.

Peter doesn’t know if it’s possible to even fall in love over email without ‘knowing’ the other person, but he also knows that his words to Blue were entirely true. He knows who Blue is, in all the deeper ways that he doesn’t even know some of his closest friends.

He closes his eyes and leans back against the cool metal of the bench seeping through his jeans and sweater as the echoes of pop music reach him from the speakers towards the middle of the park.

“Mind if I sit here?” Peter’s eyes snap open and he jumps at the sound of a voice close to him, his heart clenching sadly in his chest when he sees none other than Jason McConnell.

_Unless…_

“Sure.” He sits, a gap between them that Peter purposefully ignores. “Where were you all night? MIssed you going around the rides.”

Jason tenses, just slightly, but enough for Peter to notice. “Had to sort something out.”

Peter thinks about nodding and letting it go, but he instead turns to face Jason more. “Are you okay? You’ve been distant and tense these last few weeks. Was it all stress over the play, or something… else?” He internally cringes at how weak he sounds as he finishes the sentence, forcing himself to look at Jason’s surprised face.

Surprised?

In odd curiosity, he watches as Jason closes his eyes, sighs, then looks into Peter’s eyes. “Can you check your email?”

_What?_

“What?” Peter breathes out, his heartbeat increasing as he watches Jason, who nods slowly. He hesitates only a second longer before pulling out his phone and opening his inbox with shaking hands.

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: Jan. 24th at 9:01 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Us.

I’ll be there.

Peter looks up at Jason, who looks more afraid than Peter thinks he’s ever seen him, even when acting in the play.

“It’s you.”

“Yeah.” It leaves his lips in a single breath, his eyes scanning Peter’s face for any reaction.

“You sent me flowers.” Peter can’t help the smile that breaks over his face.

“I did.” Jason’s eyes soften at Peter’s smile, mirroring it himself. “And a note.”

“Yes! The note!” Peter fumbles the note out of his other pocket, showing it in his open palm. “I didn’t know how, but it makes sense now.” He frowns slightly. “Kind of.”

Jason huffs out an almost-laugh, but he’s smiling softly when he meets Peter’s eyes again. “We should talk.”

“Yes.”

“Somewhere that’s not here.”

“Let’s go to my room.”

“Okay.”

Neither of them moves to go, still looking at each other. Peter gives in and stands after a minute, offering a hand to Jason to stand. He hesitates but takes it, dropping it as he stands, but the back of their hands brush the entire ten-minute walk back.

The walk is quiet, neither wanting to break the comfort of being with each other, or say something that the other would rather discuss in the quiet and privacy of a room. Peter keeps turning his head to catch Jason’s eye, finding him either already looking at him with a soft expression or with a small smile.

Peter swears the air around them seems to be buzzing. Every look, brush of their hands, step falling in time, and he feels like his heart could burst out of his chest.

He thinks it’d be a pretty nice way to die.

Peter pushes open his room door when they arrive, inviting Jason in with a nod of his head and closing the door behind them before anyone else on their floor notices.

“You kept them.” Jason moves to his desk, where the two roses are sat in a glass Peter stole from the common room.

“Of course I did.” Peter didn’t expect his voice to come out so soft, but he doesn’t look away when Jason turns to him surprised, before following Peter and mirroring his position on the bed.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” Peter says, taking the risk and reaching out to gently take one of Jason’s hands in his own.

“You really didn’t know?” 

“No.” Peter shakes his head, then pauses. No point beating around the bush. “When you were avoiding me… I thought you were just trying to avoid me. I hoped you weren’t like some of the other guys, but I didn’t know what to think.”

Jason sighs, and his hand squeezes Peter’s a little bit tighter. “I’m sorry for… all of it. Everything I did that hurt you.” He looks down, and Peter’s heart clenches again, almost pathetically. “I know what my parents’ response will be if they find out, and things are already fragile with them and Nadia, and there was just so much attention on you. I wish I could’ve helped like Lucas and the girls did.”

Peter shakes his head, as sentences from emails, throwaway comments at the lunch table and facts he knows from Nadia click into place. “You couldn’t have risked yourself for me, I never would have asked that of you. I’d much rather you be okay.”

“I shouldn’t have ignored you like that, though. On emails, I mean.”

Peter shrugs slightly, still looking at Jason. “No. But I’m starting to get it, and I’m not angry anymore.”

“You deserve to be.”

“But I’m not, Romeo.” The nickname comes like an instinct, and Peter clamps a hand over his mouth. “Sorry.”

But Jason’s smiling. “I don’t mind. Not from you.”

Peter’s face flushes, but he drops his hand when he sees Jason still smiling at him. “God, I can’t believe you were right in front of me for so long, and it took this long for the two to click.”

“Guess I’m a better actor than you thought, huh?” Peter mockingly pouts at him, and Jason laughs softly as he takes Peter’s other hand.

“Did you even give me any clues?”

“My email.”

“Bluegold129?”

“Blue eyes, golden boy, January 29th. It was a coincidence that it’s the Notre Dame colours, too.”

“Ohh. Jesus, I’m so stupid.” He tries to bury his face in his arms, but Jason pulls their hands and Peter looks up with a frown.

“No, you’re not.”

Peter sighs and hunches forward slightly instead. “I feel like I was so obvious compared to you.”

“Well…” Jason’s smiling, a genuine smile that squints his eyes in the corner, and Peter decides it’s his favourite sight, even if it’s being used to tease him. “Maybe. Role of a lifetime? I assumed you were a theatre kid.”

“Hey!”

“Which may have slightly influenced me to join the play.” Jason looks down. “But I didn’t know if I was guessing correctly, or if I was just seeing who I wanted to see.”

Peter looks up at him and spends a second just watching the - indeed - blue eyes looking back at him, open and kind. He untangles one of his hands, lifting it to hold Jason’s cheek before the other boy can grab it back, and notices how the blue eyes flicker down to his lips, before back up to his face.

“Can I…” He whispers, their lips only inches away, and Jason closes the gap before he can finish.

It’s nothing Peter could have expected. Jason’s free hand cups the back of his head, their entwined hands letting go to pull the other slightly closer. He feels his heart racing, and as his hand presses against Jason’s chest, he knows he’s the same. They pull apart softly, then come back together twice more, the last being a soft peck as Jason leans his forehead against Peter’s.

“I’ve been waiting to do that-”

“So long.” Peter finishes with a breathless grin as his hand drops form Jason’s cheek to rest on his thigh.

They talk for hours, kissing some more, and Peter almost feels guilty when Jason sneaks back to his room at almost two in the morning, stealing a final kiss before the door opens.

Almost.

* * *

The first thing Peter realises in the morning is that he has no idea how to be Jason’s friend anymore.

He finds him first at breakfast, sliding in beside him as Ivy, Tanya and Nadia greet him.

“Hey.” The word is a quiet whisper, just for him, and Peter bites back the grin he feels coming to his face.

“Morning.”

They don’t do or say anything more, but Jason’s leg presses against his silently, and his heart hasn’t calmed down since he sat beside him on that park bench last night.

His mind keeps going back to last night in his room, talking forever with Jason - _who is Blue!_ \- and none of it feeling forced.

“Peter? You good?” Nadia calls to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Just realising that the play’s really over.”

“Right,” Nadia says slowly, clearly not believing him. Peter watches as she turns to Jason and raises a single eyebrow. Jason pauses, then smiles and nods once, and Nadia grins.

“Good.” She says, sipping her tea and Tanya and Ivy vaguely look at her confused. Jason’s eyes go wide and he hides it by also taking a drink, his eyes flicking to Peter quickly before settling on his plate.

A foot kicks him under the table, and he looks up to see Nadia wiggle her eyebrows once at him, which is enough to make him almost choke on his mouthful of food. She smiles quietly as he recovers, shrugging innocently when he glares at her.

“What the hell are you three doing?” Tanya asks, looking between the McConnell twins and Peter, sighing when she receives only shrugs. “Whatever. Keep your secrets.” She glares at Nadia in particular, who shrugs.

_So Nadia knows._

He remembers Jason admitting last night that he had come out to Nadia, an affair which was “sappy and emotional”, in Jason’s words, but seeing Nadia read them so easily took him by surprise slightly.

Ivy sighs and drops her cutlery, looking between the three as Tanya had just done. “Seriously? Did something momentous happen that you aren’t telling us?”

Peter shakes his head and gently kicks her ankle. “Everything’s good Ives. It’s actually pretty good.”

That does nothing to stop her curiosity, but her raised eyebrow turns into a confused tilted head, as she looks at Peter. “You’re happy.”

“Can’t I be?”

That relaxes her, and she pokes his hand. “Of course you can. You should be.”

_You deserve a happy ending._


	12. there are times when it’s actually more work not to smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following months. Peter, Jason and their friends finish high school, a speech is given, promises are made, and happiness is in abundance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from chapter thirty-three of svthsa  
> posted in time for peter x jason week day six: pride/acceptance!  
> ...this is the end. i'll be emotional after. for now, enjoy [the playlist i made for this fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1bteXvoFQthGjOI8pBn5JO?si=77sEa6NMRyek6wTmswAv2w)

CHAT:  _ Tanya’s the Mariokart Queen _

Tanya: hey so i kicked Matt out of the chat

Nadia: oh i assumed he left good riddance

Tanya: asshole

Peter: Shit, you all know?

Lucas: i told no one, ik tan guessed

Tanya: yeaaah i did cause im smart

Jason: ??

Peter: oh okay give me a minute

CHAT:  _ Blue _

Peter: So we spoke about a lot last week but not everything

Blue: Yeah, I know. Did something happen?

Peter: Kinda…?

Peter: You know how I got outed and everything

Blue: Of course I do… is this connected to Matt?

Peter: I’d rather explain in person, but yeah. Come to my room?

Blue: Be there in 5

Peter: <3

CHAT:  _ Tanya’s the Mariokart Queen _

Nadia: peter’s explaining it to him i assume, bc jason was busy when Everything went down

Ivy: ooooh right

Lucas: how did you two know?

Ivy: Matt told me

Nadia: ivy told me what he said

Lucas: shiiiiiiiiiiiit

Lucas: yeah i need drinks before i hear this story

Ivy: nah i’ll leave that to peter

Tanya: ivy come to my room i want to cut my hair

Ivy: i have a college meeting in 5 mins!!!!!

Tanya: fine im giving myself bangs

Ivy: TANYA

Lucas: you’ll be beautiful with anything tan

Tanya: ilyt babe

Nadia: i’ll come help tan

Tanya: seriously?????? nads!!!!!!!!

Nadia: i’ve cut jason’s hair a bunch and done my own sometimes

Ivy: y??

Nadia: necessity

Ivy: sure

Ivy: k im going in wish me luck!!

Lucas: gl you’ll be fine and we’ll get drunk after

Ivy: yes my man

Tanya: go ivy ur sexy enough for it all

Ivy: ITS COLLEGE

Tanya: sexy smart

Ivy: why are you one of my best friends

Nadia: you’ll be fine, just use your braincell

Ivy: that’s the closest i’ll get from you huh

Nadia: don’t fuck it up

Lucas: “be nice!!”

Nadia: fuck off Peter’s not here also i’m lovely to her

Lucas: ,,,,right

Lucas: i gtg but tan babe i want pictures

Tanya: ye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAT:  _ Tanya’s the Mariokart Queen _

Nadia: [image of tanya, indeed, with bangs]

Nadia: [another image of tanya with bangs]

Nadia: she has bangs

Peter: That took almost an hour

Nadia: wanted it to be nice

Peter: It does look v nice

Tanya: ty petey!!!!

Peter: No.

Jason: Can I ask why now, Tanya?

Tanya: my mom said it wouldn’t look great on saturday so i did it

Tanya: love my mum but i wanted to prove her wrong

Jason: Gotcha

Peter: It’s v pretty!

Peter: Lucas seen yet?

Tanya: sent them to him ;)))))))

Jason: Why.

Nadia: this is why i left immediately

Peter: Tanya… Please spare us

* * *

CHAT:  _ Old McConnells  _

Tanya: happy birthday twins!!

Lucas: o its midnight right

Lucas: happy bday to the best twins i know!!!

Tanya: k now we sleep

CHAT:  _ Old McConnells _

Ivy: okay now that its a reasonable hour

Tanya: it’s now not even 7am

Ivy: happy birthday, nadia and jason!!

Nadia: ah ty guys

CHAT:  _ Nadia McConnell _

Peter: Happy birthday, Nadia!! i love you a lot and am very grateful for everything you’ve done for me this year xx

Nadia: stop it its my birthday you can’t make me cry

Peter: I was trying to be sweet!!

Nadia: its very sweet now im crying

Peter: NADIA NO IM SORRY

Nadia: it’s all g, you’re fucking my brother, i have to love you

Peter: NADIA I AM NO LONGER SORRY JFC I DONT LIKE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING

Nadia: still love me, right?

Peter: begrudgingly

CHAT:  _ Blue _

Peter: Happy birthday!! I got you a gift, I can give it to you later along with appropriate sappiness, but I just wanted to say that I am very thankful you emailed me all those months ago. You make me so happy xx

Blue: You can’t expect me to wake up to that and not come kiss you, open up 

CHAT:  _ Old McConnells _

Nadia: lucas was the chat name you??

Lucas: yep :)))))))))))))

Tanya: any plans with family?

Nadia: fuck no, jason and i are gonna get a gift in the mail in about two weeks from dad and that’s it

Tanya: okay mini party tonight, nadia’s room

Nadia: nah jason’s room is cleaner

Nadia: but nothing like ivy’s birthday, okay?

Tanya: swear!!!

Ivy: just us idiots here, not even the seniors bc otherwise you’re gonna ditch us nads :((

Nadia: ...can you blame me

Lucas: am i bringing??

Tanya: lil bit, dont want another cast party disaster

Lucas: THAT WAS ALL ZACK AND YOU KNOW IT

Tanya: mhmm

Ivy: anyway its friday lets get through today and then relax

CHAT:  _ Old McConnells  _

Ivy: tanya i said relax not throw a wii remote out the window

Peter: This is why I said to ban Mariokart

Jason: ...I won

Tanya: i will burn your notebooks

Lucas: she will not i will stop her

Tanya: test me

Jason: hey last time she threatened to shrink my head, this is nicer

Nadia: ives, ever expect these two to be the worst fighters now that we play nice?

Ivy: i’m not surprised but not not surprised

Peter: …’ives’?????????????

Lucas: yknow what thats called? G r o w t h

Nadia: i cant get anything done in this house

CHAT:  _ nadia mctwin _

lucas: so jason isn’t homophobic at all right

nadia: no ofc not, why??

lucas: his weirdness near the play worried me, but he and peter seem to be best friends now

nadia: i meant it when i said he was just stressed because of the play and college

lucas: ik ig i just wanted to check?? it’s been weird knowing matt of all people did what he did

nadia: tell me about it… want to come to the library? i have coffee

lucas: i dont know where the library is

nadia: …

lucas: yes i’ve been here for years no i have NO REASON TO GO

nadia: every day i ask how you and jason are even friends

lucas: my charming personality

nadia: why am i friends with you

lucas: :)))))) tanya’s directing me

nadia: oh good i like her

lucas: SO DO I!!!!

nadia: sap

lucas: ah you little emo, i do love you

nadia: stop being rude then emotional its weird

* * *

CHAT:  _ peter banned mariokart :(( _

Jason: Happy two months since I beat Tanya

Peter: Must you?

Tanya: pete please let me at him

Peter: No, I kinda like him alive

Nadia: ofc you do

Peter: Nadia...

Tanya: oh?????

Jason: I suddenly have to go be an only child

Tanya: huh?????

Lucas: why jason pete what did we do to you :((

Peter: Well, for starters, he never calls me Pete

Tanya: cause hes boring

Jason: Hey!

Tanya: yall hear smthin?

* * *

CHAT:  _ Peter please unban Mariokart _

Ivy: happy valentines day idiots

Nadia: gross that’s today?? can i be excused from life

Ivy: well at least we only have to deal with tanya and lucas being gross

Nadia: right. just those two.

Ivy: it’s sunday is anyone else up??

Nadia: idk but ill meet you in the cafeteria

Ivy: k everyone else come when you wake up

CHAT:  _ Blue _

Blue: I know it’s sappy, and we can’t properly celebrate, but happy Valentine’s day xx

Peter: Ahhhh you’re so sweet, happy Valentines day!!

Blue: any chance you want to skip mass and come to my room

Peter: Breaking rules, Blue? Very unbecoming of you

Blue: Is that a yes?

Peter: Omw

* * *

CHAT:  _ Nadia McConnell _

Peter: I need advice

Nadia: shoot

Peter: I’ve spoken to Jason about it a bit, but how do you think Ivy would react to finding out about us?

Nadia: oh. ivy. honestly i think she’ll be chill but it may take her a sec to process bc jason

Peter: But I accidentally advised her to act and ask him out

Nadia: you didn’t know either then though????

Peter: True…

Nadia: look imo she’ll be fine bc she loves you and he’s also her friend but talk it out with jason ofc

Peter: Yeah I know, I will. Ty Nadia 

Nadia: all g 

CHAT:  _ Blue _

Peter: Hey come find me when you’re done studying, I want to talk

Blue: That never sounds good

Peter: It’s nothing bad or between us, but kind of about us. I’d rather talk in person so finish your study session then we’ll talk <3

Blue: Okay, be there in ten

* * *

CHAT:  _ PETER DEFENSE _

Lucas: so… big news in the group tonight

Nadia: jfc i forgot about this chat

Tanya: it kinda makes sense?? surprising tho about jason

Ivy: tell me about it

Tanya: ...u good about it?

Ivy: ofc i am its just… trust that the ‘nice guy’ i liked was gay

Nadia: see i told peter you’d be fine

Ivy: … you knew?

Nadia: jason.

Ivy: right. how long?

Nadia: after the play, i think

Lucas: that checks out, jason started acting normal then too

Tanya: fuck im just happy they trusted us to tell us after everything

Nadia: mhmm

Ivy: there’s like two months until grad, i have to hope that nothing happens

CHAT:  _ …oh? _

Tanya: wait y’all didnt tell us how you got together

Peter: that’s… a story for another time

Tanya: teeeeaaaase

Jason: I need a drink or twelve when that happens

Peter: Same but also… hm

Jason: Yeah

Ivy: jfc how did we not see

Peter: we’re really good actors

Ivy: eh fair

Nadia: well

Peter: You’re his twin you don’t count

* * *

CHAT:  _ 50 DAYS TIL GRAD _

Ivy: i can’t believe peter and jason both got into notre dame and will be rooming

Peter: What, we’re just Bros

Nadia: fucking superb you funky gays

Ivy: well anyone else got interesting plans? i got nothing sorted yet im still deciding

Nadia: same

Lucas: tan?

Tanya: oh yeah go for it

Ivy: uMM??

Lucas: were movin in after grad hell yeaahh

Nadia: together?! 

Tanya: yes!!!!!!!!!!

Peter: Holy shit that’s big

Lucas: ye kinda but also feels right

Ivy: if you asked me five years ago who would be the sweetest couple i would not guess you two but im so happy for you 

Nadia: do your families know?

Tanya: well burn that bridge when we come to it

Nadia: that’s not… whatever

Tanya: i meant what i said xox

Ivy: holy shiit we’re really leaving in two months

Tanya: dont go crying again ivy its been two days

Ivy: :’(((((((((((((((

Nadia: ffs

* * *

Months pass, with stress, college applications, family visits and exams flying past until Peter is sitting here now, at his graduation ceremony on the oval of St. Cecilia’s for the last time.

“I’d like to introduce the valedictorian of this year’s graduating class, Jason McConnell!” Father Flynn speaks into the microphone on the stage, and Peter fails at biting back his grin as his boyfriend walks up the stairs and behind the podium. 

“Promise. Webster's defines ‘promise’ as a declaration that something will, or will not, be done.” Jason begins. The words are familiar, Peter having listened to Jason rehearsing it repeatedly over the past week in preparation for today. “It's fair to say that within our years at St Cecilia's we've made our fair share of promises. Promises to our teachers, to each other, and ourselves. Promises that we've definitely kept, promises that we definitely haven't kept.” The audience laughs, and Peter can see Jason’s shoulders lose just a little bit of tension.

“But there will undoubtedly be people here today who have broken promises, whether they are spoken or unspoken, to each other,” Peter remembers Jason coming to his room at the beginning of that week, shaken slightly in pure surprise because his draft speech was approved to be read in front of the entire school, church and family members included. He remembers holding him and kissing him (a lot).

“Maybe it's a family member that you haven't spoken to in years, or your primary school best friend turned casual stranger, or your child that stopped sharing their personal life with you.” Students and family shift slightly, some of them looking around, but Jason continues confidently. “The promises that we can make now that will last us to the end of time are the promises we can make to ourselves.” Jason takes a breath, his smile bright and performative, but much more real than Peter remembers it being months ago.

“We can promise that we are going to be good and honest people. We can promise ourselves that every day we will strive to be better than we were yesterday.” Peter knows the parts of the speech directed at certain people, and he smiles when Jason finds his eyes and nods. “We can promise to ourselves that we will open ourselves to feel love and to know that we are deserving of the love that we get back in return.” He sees Ivy turn around in the row in front of him, and her smile is sweet as her eyes water, reaching out and squeezing his hand once before turning to face the stage again.

Jason continues, “We can promise to always be learning new things about ourselves, each other, and the world we live in. I want to make a promise to you all now - fellow students, parents, and teachers. I want to promise to you to never forget my time at St Cecilia's.” Peter wonders if his friends are getting as emotional as he feels, and the sound of a sniffle from a few rows in front tells him that at least someone is.

“I say that so I never forget to learn from the things that made me a better student, a worse friend, and a stronger person. I say that so that I remember the people who shaped me into the person I am now, the person I will be tomorrow, and the person I'll continue to be every day for the rest of my life.” Peter’s reminded of Jason reading this part last night quietly, as Peter laid back against him on his bed, feeling rather than hearing his heartbeat and breath, particularly the way that his heart sped up as he read out those lines in the peace of the room.

Peter looks at the boy on stage and lets himself be surprised by all that he knows about him. From emails all those months ago, to the silent confessions on that park bench, to every quiet night together since, Peter knows how much he’s changed, and how much Jason has changed alongside him. He doesn’t think of alternate universes where they had higher stakes, more secrets, more loss and heartbreak, instead of their quiet, long love of lying their souls bare to each other, Peter falling in love with every word Jason spoke before he knew the slightest thing about how blue his eyes are.

“So, graduating class of St Cecilia's, if a promise is a declaration that something will or will not be done, I promise to live my truth and continue to live that truth courageously in the eyes of everyone around me, and the eyes of God. Because who are we to lie about who we are when we were all created as perfect by Him?” The line is spoken with confidence, but Peter knows the courage it took for him to say the words, especially when he knows the McConnells’ parents are in attendance, not to mention many of the students who had reacted to Peter’s outing, as well as family members with unknown beliefs.

Peter knows that even if Jason is speaking the words, they won’t be that simple. Bravery and courage take effort, it takes strength against every single reason to hide, and it takes knowing that it won’t always be met with acceptance, but might even end in pain and loss.

There’ll be heartbreaking nights in a shared room at Notre Dame, days where it’ll feel easier to lie than face the consequences of being honest, and times when the simplicity of being closeted will be missed.

For now, Jason smiles up on stage, and Peter smiles up at him as blue eyes meet his, and the smile on stage turns softer and more secretive as the words sound like they’re directed at him. “Here's to us, our broken and unbroken promises, and to the years of honesty and love that are to follow.”

The last line was Peter’s contribution to the speech.

The rest of the ceremony flies by in a bit of a blur, but he remembers seeing each of his friends walk on stage and receive their diploma. Lucas walked up with the charismatic grin that the entire school had grown accustomed to. Tanya was graceful and confident as she posed for the photographer, Lucas smiling up at her from where he was standing to the side. Jason laughed at the cheers from their friends but kept his wide smile the entire walk. Nadia followed him with an eye-roll that was blinded by her own relieved smile, trying to ignore the slightest flush on her cheeks at Jason, Tanya, and Lucas cheering loudly for her as well. Ivy walked up with the confidence of a girl too good for the school and the assholes within it. Peter was the last of them, and the relief at being done with high school and the people associated with it was enough to make him smile all the way through, finding his mother’s eyes in the crowd and seeing her own teary smile.

He stands surrounded by his best friends as they throw their mortarboards with a loud cheer, smiling dopily up at Jason before Nadia and Ivy throw their arms around their shoulders with matching laughs. He agrees to Ivy’s proposal of lunch together before the words even leave her mouth, saying goodbyes to their families for the moment as they walk towards the gates for the last time.

Matt catches his arm and wishes them all luck for the future before they leave, apologising again, and Peter nods at him in acknowledgement but turns away before anything else can be said. He and Jason had told their friends the story of how Peter got outed and they got together around a week ago, and Peter knew it was taking all of Nadia’s self-restraint to not slap Matt, despite her already knowing he had made the post.

The six of them end up at a familiar diner, next door to the old arcade where they used to spend weekends, piled into a booth - Ivy, Tanya, and Lucas on one side, Peter, Jason, and Nadia on the other. It’s hidden in the back corner of the place, enough that Peter doesn’t hesitate in pressing his entire side against Jason.

Lucas is jokingly suggesting getting a dog with Tanya but is stunned into silence when she seriously agrees, everyone else laughing as he kisses her. Jason looks beside him, at the boy he undoubtedly loves, and he moves their entwined hands from his lap to on top of the table.

Peter’s surprised smile is worth it all.

We all deserve to feel love and to have that love returned to us.

Take a breath. You’re okay.

_ You deserve to be truly yourself, and you deserve to know that you’re accepted.  _

_ You deserve a happy ending. _

FROM: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

TO: bluegold129@gmail.com

DATE: June 4th at 6:22 PM

SUBJECT: I miss you already, and...

I love you.

FROM: bluegold129@gmail.com

TO: roleofalifetime@gmail.com

DATE: June 4th at 6:31 PM

SUBJECT: Re: I miss you already, and…

You’re a sap. It’s been two hours since I saw you, and I’ve been texting you since.

I love you too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for every one of you who has read this fic. i started this entirely self-indulgent, and absolutely finished it that way, and i'm so happy if i made other people smile and feel along the way. whether you're reading this as i'm posting it during these insane times, or any time in the future. thank you so much.  
> have a wonderful day xx

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are so very appreciated <3  
> i'm always willing to talk about bare, particularly feelings about characters and relationships, so feel free to find me on [tumblr](http://wlwillex.tumblr.com/)


End file.
